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  1. Hi Henriette, welcome. I am new here. I'm still scared to use my real name! Thank you for sharing. What you have accomplished IS a big deal. Even if it sounds silly, it really isn't, and sometimes it's the littlist things that are so hard to re-learn to do. Hope you find solace and support here, --321
  2. I reported it. It was not easy. It was awful. Rape charges differ by state. And when I reported it, the officer said the rape was not a crime against ME, but it was rather a crime against the STATE. That was really weird to hear. Here's what happened: First, I went to the hospital ER even though 3 days had passed (I called, and they wanted me to come in, and I saw a person who was specialized in preserving DNA evidence (a SANE nurse: Sexual Assualt Nurse Examiner). The SANE asked if I wanted to report it, and I said yes. That didn't mean I was going to trial. It only meant I was telling the police what happened. I didn't want to "ruin" their lives or necessarily have them go to prison. I just wanted them not to do it to anyone else, and I thought by reporting it, I may help someone down the line. At the hospital, I had to WAIT for the officer to arrive. I asked if I could just have the number and report it in the morning, but no, I was told the officer would be here soon, and I had to tell my story to yet ANOTHER person. The officer arrived, he was nice. He told me from what I said it sounded like the guys had done this before and that they took steps to cover their tracks. I was surprised. He then passed the case on to another police officer who would take over. That experience with that officer was HORRENDOUS. I've often thought that reporting it was worse than the actual rape itself. But still, I told myself I'm doing this so it doesn't happen to someone else. During the reporting, I was asked if I would be willing to go to court. I didn't know if I reported it if it meant I was obligated to go to court. In this case, I hesitantly said, yes, I'll testify in court. Weeks went by with further questioning as my case was being reviewed. The officer told me he'd call me with an update. A week went by. I waited. A second week went by, and I left a message asking if he had any updates on the case or if I should be prepared for a court date. He called back, left a message, and said the case was closed...sorry forgot to tell me that. So, the guys went free. YEARS later, I googled their names and learned they had done the same exact thing they did to me to another person. That person did have a case that went to court. They dragged her through the mudd. They counter sued. They sued her saying she ruined their reputation. There were multiple appeals. Back and forth. I think now they are registered sex offenders. I always wanted to reach out to the woman they raped and tell her THANK YOU for suffering the court trial I never got. I wanted to tell her that she wasn't the only one out there they did this to. I think in court, lawyers can't bring up any previous crimes, so I don't think the woman even knew. I think back and think that this woman could have been saved her suffering if my case had gone to trial, if they had been convicted. --321
  3. I felt an awful lot like you describe right after my rape. It lasted for a while. I think I thought that if I could see triggering things or things that should be triggering, and finally DIDN'T react, that I would be healed. I really wanted verification about being ok, because I desperately wanted to be ok but never felt ok. I also never got the reaction I was looking for in people. I was guarded in who I told, and was really annoyed that nobody offered the response that would make me say, "Ah, finally, some clarity! Now I understand! Now I'm ok. Now I'm healed and can move on." I know I prayed for the day that I would FORGET any of this had happened. I wondered if I'd ever forget. Initially, I had severely intruding thoughts, that seemed to be there, every day, all the time, and got in the way of me getting anything done, because nothing else could enter my head. The thoughts were 100% intrusive, and I found I had to fully IMMERSE myself in whatever it was that I was doing, to concentrate SUPER hard, and TRY to push the thoughts out. Sometimes the thoughts were so intrusive that I could not read a word. I distinctly remember I was in a hallway, and told to go to the hallway labeled NORTH. I entered. I saw 2 signs: one read NORTH, and the other read SOUTH. I could see the letters but I didn't know what the words meant and didn't know which way to go. So, I just waited and hoped to find someone I recognized, and follow which ever way they went. It got WAAAAAAAAAAY better with time. LOTS of time. Nowadays I don't expect to ever forget, but the intrusive thoughts have gone. I guess I've accepted I'll have some triggers sometimes, but I tell myself I'm human, and 90% of the time, I'm really ok. But during those initial days, I was really NOT ok and NOT doing well, and it was about 100% or 99.9% of the time. And I must say, I'm so glad you posted this, because this very issue has been bothering me, and just when I think I'm the only whose actively sought out a trigger, I realize, why I might have, and I realize that others have done the same thing. It's very healing to hear that others have experienced similar things. I hope you find your answer. Things do get better with time. I know "better" isn't a definitive or measurable word. I used to want to know exactly to what degree or quantity would things get better, and HOW MUCH time would it take. I wanted an algorithm that said, "S.A. occures + X amount of time passes = 100% normal. There is no such equation. It all seems to happen on a bell curve with a lot of gray areas. I wish you the best and hope you have some peace. --321
  4. 321


    Hi there. I am new here too. My first post/comment was yesterday. Welcome --321
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