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GhostWriter

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    19
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  • Gender
    Female

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  • MembershipType
    Survivor

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  • Website URL
    http://echoesofmypast.wordpress.com/
  1. Unspoken Words

    My daily schedule is abnormal, to say the least, since it has been so long since I held a job (a little over 8 years). I typically sleep from 4 or 5:00 am until 1 or 2:00 pm, give or take, anywhere from 8-10 hours per day, depending on my physical and emotional needs. The reason for this odd sleeping pattern is due to my boyfriend's job, which is second-shift hours. Though, perhaps, not ideal, these hours have worked for us for several years because my boyfriend and I are both night owls. Comfort can be found in the wee hours of the morning with peace and quiet that only those hours seem to afford - peace and quiet that I cannot get at any other time of day where we currently live. Above all else, my resting period is by far the most important aspect of protecting my sanity, which is why today's therapy appointment was a complete bust. My appointment was scheduled for 11:00 am, technically the middle of my "night." I suppose I could have rescheduled this appointment for another time (I didn't notice the time slot on the card until after I left the last appointment); but considering that I'm lucky to get an appointment every three weeks, I didn't want to risk having to wait even longer for another one. I struggled to make myself get into bed at 1:30 am this morning in order to be up by 9:00 am, only to toss and turn for the next 2 hours. I only got a little over 5 hours of sleep which left me cranky and not in the mood to talk at all! Any less than 8 hours of sleep, and, yeah, I'm pretty much worthless for the day. I know that I function poorly on less sleep which is why I dislike, no, detest having this routine screwed up. It has taken me years to understand what "I" need; and this is one of those "non-negotiable, must have requirements to function properly" things. I thought that I had made myself clear about the reasons I preferred afternoon appointments to my therapist the first two times I discussed it with him; but I reiterated them again today for the first 10 minutes of the appointment. Honestly, I cannot even remember what he said to me after I finished my spiel. Maybe, it was lack of sleep. Maybe, I dissociated. Nevertheless, the only impression I took away from today's appointment was that my therapist was distracted and seemingly uninterested in what I was saying (on his computer part of the time and on his cell phone a couple of times). He did, at least, schedule the next one (another 3 weeks away) for the afternoon. After only three appointments with this new therapist, therapy is leaving me feeling disappointed, unheard, and generally hopeless. It took so much for me to get back into therapy again after a five year long break from psychiatry. I had hoped this time might be different, that I might actually be able to work through a lot of the issues that still cause me distress. Unfortunately, there really aren't many choices for therapy where I live, especially since I have no health insurance and no money of my own to purchase such things (I guess, I'm a criminal, now, for that?); but I have to make the best out of this experience with this therapist. The unspoken words I heard today were, "Conform or don't waste my time."
  2. Battling Ghosts After 15 Years

    Welcome, overit73! We'll get to know the community together. I know what you mean. I have done exactly the same thing! I started a blog a couple of years ago and did very well on it last year, posted almost every single day as a result of taking the 366 day photography challenge. This year has been a completely different story, though. I'm lucky if I post a couple of times per month for this very reason. Making myself interact with other bloggers has become as much of a challenge for me as talking to people in real-life. I agree that it is nice to know someone understands.
  3. Battling Ghosts After 15 Years

    Thank you, all, for the comments. I didn't think it was possible for me to isolate myself any more than what I have for the last 10 years or so, but I have no one other than my boyfriend who I talk to on a regular basis. I'm not even sure how to "open up" on here. I've found that even on the internet, I constantly second-guess what I'm trying to say which leads me to saying nothing at all. Anyone else have this problem?
  4. Battling Ghosts After 15 Years

    Hello, I'm new to the After Silence community. I've been glancing over the forums for the past few days as time (and sanity) permits. I wasn't really sure how to jump into this, but I wanted to at least say hello and give a brief introduction. For the last 15 years (or more), I've struggled to survive, mostly in isolation. Recently, I began therapy again after a 5-year-long break from psychiatry because I have been feeling overwhelmed again with a lot of the emotions and stressors in my life. After only a couple of visits with my new therapist, I find myself obsessing over past events in my life that I thought I had dealt with and moved on from; but I'm experiencing flashbacks, dissociation, and panic attacks with more frequency. Three weeks between appointments leave me wondering what do I do in the meantime until the next appointment. That's what brought me here. I hope to find a little emotional support from others who have gone through similar situations and offer what I've learned along the way, as well. ~GhostWriter
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