Jump to content
Some browsers are having difficulty with functionality. Please try an alternative browser, if this is happening to you. If you are having connectivity issues beyond this or or need assistance, email us at: aftersilence.moderators@gmail.com! ×


  • Content Count

  • Joined

  • Last visited

Everything posted by TurtleWhisperer

  1. I was planning on returning to AS and being more active, but I'm not sure I will have enough spare time. We will have to wait and see. So my BIG news is that I am going to have a baby! While I am really happy and excited, I am also scared. I am 12 weeks and have been off my anxiety medicine for about 8 of those. I haven't found a replacement for my medicine yet, I've just been suffering through it. Withdraws from Lexapro are HORRIBLE... "brain zaps" and dizzy spells were worse than the "morning" sickness that soon followed. After the baby I don't know if I will get back on it, but I will need
  2. I haven't been on here in ages and I just wanted to make a quick post while I'm stable enough. I want so bad to visit AS everyday and reconnect with you all, but everything is a trigger and I can't. I'm sorry for that. I am at a horrible place right now. I really thought once I got back on my medication (lexapro for anxiety) that I would get back to my "as close to normal as I can be." But that hasn't been the case. Suicide is a constant thought I want it and actually expect it, self harm/Injury is at an all time high for me, and self hate has always been an issue but now I even hate my body,
  3. In the last few months I feel like I have aged years. Growing up I did not have a perfect family, but until I was about 12 it seemed like it. My parents weren't really supportive of my choices when it came to anything, but they were always there and always loved me. My mom has a very strong family value, even when the family is feuding she claims them and loves them. As I've gotten older though I've realized that her side of the family is, her family. Not mine. Hers. It's almost as though I'm not even part of the family that I was born into. Which hurts a lot. Not only does she treat me like a
  4. I still have the house to myself for a little while longer and I'm dreading my mother's return. I was really hoping to be further along with my house hunting than I am. CS has been coming over A LOT. I like the company but he's starting to drive me insane. This afternoon was okay though, but that's because he was inside watching a movie while I was outside shoveling snow and doing chores. As soon as I came inside he was at it again. Little stupid things. Making dumb jokes and not taking anything seriously. Then again, maybe I'm being too serious and need to lighten up? I can never tell. Eithe
  5. A happy post for once! I was so worried about being home alone for so long, and here it turned out to be the best few weeks I've had in a while! My friends have been by my side through the whole thing, never letting me suffer in the silence. I am also VERY thankful for those of you who sent thoughts/prayers and sat with me!! I still have to do this again in December, but I have so much more confidence and less anxiety about it. Tonight is such a dreadful night. The wind is blowing so hard the doors keep popping open. I'm not a fan of wind being that we're in the middle of the woods and tree
  6. ((*Pre-Warning! I do NOT tell my story in this entry, I talk about telling my story to someone else, so, no worries!*)) So, I live with my mother and she's gone away for training for work....for the next 8 weeks. The original plan was that she got to come home every weekend, but that has now changed. She called tonight and said she can't come home this weekend.. or next... and she's not sure from there on. There are so many reasons why I hate being home alone. During the day and even early night, I do fine. But somewhere around 9 or 10, something changes and I can't do it. Holy crap. I just Un
  7. Thank you for reading and replying guessangelina. I applaud you for being able to even be around him. I get an anxiety attack when I even THINK I might see him. Him and M are still together to this day. He once said that I was the only girl she didn't like because I was the only one she had to worry about him leaving her for. I hear she still doesn't like me. I wonder if she knows what he did? You don't have to answer if you don't want to of course, but I'd like to ask you a few things. Aren't you afraid he might do it again? How do you manage to have a "relationship" with him? How do you not
  8. It's been a while since I've posted anything on AS. I have logged on several times, but as soon as I tried to read a post, I'd trigger. Everything has been so crazy lately. Anxiety attacks, blood boiling anger, breakdowns, plenty of crying and general drama. The past has been beating at my brain a lot too, which makes everything so much worse. Long story short, I got out my old cell phones and was going through text messages. I shouldn't have done it, but I did. At first it was simple texts from friends that I have lost contact with, so it was more nostalgic than anything. Then there was two s
  9. I don't understand what is happening. All these emotions. All at once. I can't breathe. I want to scream. I want to cry. I want to die. I can't even express it. So much going through my head. I start crying at nothing. I don't mean little things, I mean NOTHING. My mom hands the phone to me: I start crying. I look in the bathroom mirror: I start bawling. Fell asleep when I got home. Another nightmare. Futuristic stuff. He was a "bad guy" but I loved him. I tricked him into killing himself. Told him he would "respawn" like a video game, it was new technology. I helped him shove my knife in his
  10. T = Therapist SI = Self Injury SH = Self Harm TW = Trigger Warning, or in my case TurtleWhisperer ;) Those are the basic ones I think. Are there certain ones you were wondering about?
  11. Being that I was homeschooled all my life, college has really been a new experience. Over the past 5 semesters I've learned that college doesn't just teach you things about certain subjects, it teaches you about yourself. Introduction to Psychology was a HUGE eye opener. My teacher had a way of figuring out that one thing you're keeping hidden and working it to the surface and helping you cope with it. There were about 25 people in that class, and he knew everyone of us better than we knew ourselves. So much happened during that class... I had my first public panic attack... I unrepressed memo
  12. TurtleWhisperer


    LOL! As soon as I read the first sentence the song started playing in my head! Oh goodness, that's embarrassing! Thank you for the much needed giggle tonight!
  13. Lots on my mind tonight, thought this would be the perfect time to start this blog. Can't sleep due to nightmares. Last night's makes me not even want to close my eyes tonight. This boy, that I really don't know what to call... I suppose he's my boyfriend? (It's extremely complicated and I'll spare you the details.) He says he loves me, but I beg to differ because in my eyes he doesn't even know me... or at least the "real" me, because I don't even know her. I don't think I have feelings for him, I used to, but now I'm not sure. I let him get close because he is screwed up too. Only problem is
  14. Sorry you have to be here, but so glad you've found us! I already love your mindset and I hope you acquire your dreams! -TW
  15. Ah, thank you very much Shortcake! I'm excited to try it out
  16. I'm new to AS, and I've also never had any experience with blogs. I'm pretty sure that they are just online journals, but I wanted to be sure. I also didn't know if the ones here on AS had a different purpose? (Other than writing about the obvious reason we are all here)
  17. Thank you both for the replies. I feel a little out of place here since I haven't been a survivor for that long. I read other threads though, and can completely relate. No longer than it has been, it is already shaping me into the adult I am becoming, and I don't like it. I hope that by addressing what I'm going though now, will help my suffering later. I am just looking for a refuge to be accepted and taken seriously, and helped instead of pitied. -Nikki
  18. Hi everyone, I'm Nikki. I'm not really sure where to start. I'm a survivor of 2 and a half years. I struggle with the aftermath everyday still. I'm hoping that becoming a member of After Silence will help me understand what I feel and my problems, and help me with the future. I also hope that maybe I can be of help to others.
  • Create New...