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About hayatee

  • Birthday 12/20/1992

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  1. I am supposed to be doing better. Why? Because I left those who are hurting me, grandparents, uncles, and basically everyone on my fathers side of the family. I am dead to them. This decision was necessarily, I know that, but it´s not something I wanted. I wanted to be able to live in peace with everyone. But they wouldn´t let me go so I had to take that step. How do I feel? Empty, scared, sad. I might have lost my father by doing this. And that breaks my heart. My depression and anxiety has gotten worse since this happened which was like two weeks ago and I didn´t even had the energy to write here. I have moodswings like crazy, and the scary thing is that my school starts in a couple of weeks. And I need to go back because I can´t be a burden to my family any longer. But I have absolutely no desire at all to go back. To be honest I have given up on this whole make myself a life thing. I can´t, I don´t, I won´t. But I will. For my family and friends. Who are all happy now because apparently going back to school is a "positive sign". Yeah so positive my selfharm is getting worse, anxiety is more painful, and my disordered eating is getting out of hand. I yeah, I take meds that make me sleep until ten in the morning. I see more reasons not to go to school, and I am sure it will all go to hell. So yeah let´s go around and pretend it´s a good thing and ignore how messed up I still am.
  2. Hi Ana! So sweet of you to ask. I am doing okay.... No that´s a lie. Okay is the word I use for everything when I don´t know what else to say. Well I am trying, taking one day at a time, but I can´t say I am doing well. I am very down, very sad and not feeling so hopeful. But you asking how I am just made me feel better. How are you? Take care, Hayatee
  3. Today I looked trough my journal. Well it´s not so much a journal, but more like a book to get my feelings out when it´s too much going on in my head. No dates, just notes, sometimes I ramble on for pages, sometimes it´s just some words or a drawing. One of the first things I wrote was right after the third rape, so sometime in January this year. Sometimes I feel so empty. Like I have shut down and can´t feel anything. I don´t have the energy to think. When I do, it´s all bad thoughts and horrible feelings. Better to just stop feeling and pretend I am doing okay when the truth is I am far from being okay. I am struggling, but I want someone to tell me why I should keep trying. I never knew it could be so hard to live. I just want to cry, but the tears aren´t coming. God, I am so messed up I can´t even cry. What is wrong with me? People say it gets better and that I should stay strong. I just want to scream at them, tell them to shut the hell up. It doesn´t get better, it just gets worse and worse. And it´s my fault because I stay in this situation, I let them hurt me again and again, and I am so ashamed. So no I am not strong. Am I weak, I am falling apart and I am tired of trying. I am not strong, not strong enough to handle this. And I am going crazy. I just want to cry and cry. Someone please help me. I am so alone. I just want someone to hold me. I can´t do this anymore. God, I wrote this in January. It´s September now and I am not doing better. Still the same sad girl, in her sad, messed up world.
  4. Thanks for your support kungfu! I am taking your kind words to heart and trying to convince myself you are right. I am just struggling a lot right now, so what you wrote made my day a little better and gave me some strength. Take care and hugs, Hayatee
  5. Hi there! I am also new here and I am dealing with everything so I can´t offer much help, but I guess I just want to say that I am here if you want to share something, vent or just talk about anything. I know sometimes it helps to just get it out to someone who won´t judge, and I won´t. I will give as much help as I can. Hugs and take care, Hayatee
  6. hayatee

    Dear Daddy

    <3 I am here for you
  7. These last days have been really bad. I got some new meds to improve my sleep. Well I did sleep for 12 hours straight but for two days after I felt tired, dizzy, sick, I couldn´t even leave my bed. Today I went out, only to see my therapist. These last couple of times I haven´t been able to talk. Like I think I am going crazy, I am so angry at myself. Why can´t I talk? I look forward to each session, because I love my therapist but when I am there I just can´t talk. Shit, I hate myself so much. She must think I am wasting her time. I feel I do. I want her help but I can´t talk, I am so ashamed and scared. Considering everything I am doing okay. I just feel like going to sleep and never waking up. I am destroying myself with vodka, blades and pills. Don´t want to feel anything. I just hate myself.
  8. Thank you for your support. But I am not handling things well. I am selfdestructive, I do isolate myself and I can´t even talk to my therapist because I don´t trust anyone. I take your words to heart and they mean a lot. take care
  9. I haven´t gone out in days. I just lie in bed and read. Sometimes I watch tv-series as a break from reading. I cuddle my cat. This is what my life has become. No social life, no friends, no school, nothing. I have lost everything. My self. I don´t know who I am anymore. And I am afraid of living. I am just stuck. I can´t go back, I can´t move on.
  10. When people tell me that I have my whole life ahead of me, that I shouldn´t give up because it gets better, I tell them that I don´t want to think about my future because I really don´t think I have something good waiting for me. These 20 years I have lived have been filled with sorrow and pain. Not that I haven´t felt happiness and I do have good memories. But I know I will never be happy again. I am forever caught in a battle between choosing my freedom and hurting my family or choosing my family and losing the little self-respect I actually have left. I was accused of being a w**re. Of hurting our family name, our honour and our pride. Because I was seen with boys, because I refused to live like them and obey their every demand. My crime was living my life and my punishment was being raped. They said I was acting like a sl*t. I was a virgin when they raped me. They have raped me four times now. Two guys. One of them is a distant relative. My uncle told him to do it. Most of my relatives know but they say I deserve it. I can´t go to the police because they will tell my father and I will end up losing him. And they will hurt me again. So I am keeping it a secret. But it is ruining me. I am lonely, broken, and I have lost all hope. I hurt myself, I don´t live anymore. I just exist.
  11. Thank you everyone, I feel very welcome here. Yep, I have taken the first step and I glad to be surrounded by caring people like you all are. Hugs to you all, Hayatee
  12. Hi! I am 20 years old, a girl living in Sweden. I am new here, and I am reaching out because I am so lonely in everything that is going on around me and I need to feel like I am not alone, that someone understands. I guess I don´t want to write more know, this is a big step for me though and also I want to say that I am here if anyone needs to talk. I hope I will learn to open up more here, because I have spent the last months being silent. Take care everyone
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