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Blog Entries posted by BrightEyes19
I won't be sad or angry anymore. No more self pity or wondering "why me?" Because.it wasn't just me. It happened to all of us and will continue to. I am determined to make something positive out.of this. I will make a difference. For me, for my baby, and for women of the future.
Dear rapist. I hate what you did. I hate that I didn't see it.coming.. I hate that it was obvious you were nervous and I was probably your first. I hate how ur nasty unknown body was on me and that you couldn't even look me in the eye. Or my face for that matter. I hate how fucking scared I was of that probably stolen gun to later realise that there most likely wasn't even a fucking clip in it let alone bullets. I could have walked away instead of trying to make sure u didn't kill me. I hope ur mom finds out so u can see her cry about.her freak for a son like I had to see my mom cry for what was done to me. I hope ur raped in prison and in hell. I hope u have to live the rest of ur life in terror and feel like I did that night. I hope u die a slow miserable death and that all the wrongs uve done in ur life haunts u.I hope u will be re incarnated into a fucking cockroach. No. I hope u come back as a door knob and have to be touched by hundreds of strangers with dirty hands. That ull have.to watch people touch u that u don't want to touch u.
Have a miserable disgusting life you little p*ssy bit*h.
Its kind of depressing to think that I'll never get over it. That I have to learn to live with it. That no matter what I won't ever be able to forget. Why do things like this happen? Why are people so sick and selfish? I use to think so highly of the world and people in it! I use to pity people. Now when a stranger walks by I get my keys out and brace myself for the potential harm they're gonna do to me and the fight I'm gonna put up this time. That's not who I am or how I think. I'm the type to smile at strangers and wish them a great day. But for what? Politeness got me raped. Politeness got a gun pulled on me. Politeness could have got me and my cousin killed. Why be nice anymore? Why give a fuck.
Had my first nightmare last night....I think.it was because I saw a man who sort of looked like him.
I don't remember the details of the dream I just know it freaked me out and it was about that..seems like things are getting worse everyday instead of better.
it seems im using this blog as more of a diary.. im not really sure what your suppose to use a blog for but i guess public diary works.
After i was raped the security gaurd at the Holiday Inn had told me he had seen my rapist walking around for hours before all over the place. His negligence infuriates me. You dont think to say something like "sure are you having trouble finding your room?" "do you need help?" that would be the ideal thing to do wouldnt it? especially since that was his job! Get rid of people walking the halls for no obvious reason... Guess not.
where i was raped was about five feet away from the enterence door in the parking lot. There were lights all around. I wasnt wondering around all alone, i was sitting on the sidewalk in a lit up area with someone!.no one saw and i didnt yell for help because there was a gun aimed at me and a man threatening to kill me ever two seconds. I dont understand why no one saw. i wish someone did...
After detectives got on the case they were going to look at the cameras. "They have shit for cameras" they told me. There was NOTHING on the cameras, not even him walking around on the inside like the security gaurd had said he saw.
I want to sue. not for money, but to make them better their security system because obviously whatever theyre doing isnt working.
Is that enough evidence to prove negligence? im not sure. I just want everyone who had the ability to stop this from happening or at least help catch him to pay. because they failed. Am i wrong for wanting revenge on the holiday inn for essentially screwing me over? Am i wrong for being angry at every one?
I know my rapist wont be caught, i wish i could see the life leave his eyes when hes sentenced to prison. but i wont get that, im not even sure if its healthy...but since i cant get that shouldnt someone else who did me wrong have to pay? Shouldnt they be forced to fix their flaws? Or maybe im just looking for someone to blame...
Everyday. I think about it everyday. Most of the time I'm angry. I don't think I've ever had this kind of deep anger before. I can feel it boiling in the pit of my stomach. I can feel my heart trying to pounce out of my chest. I try to stay strong. I try to keep calm but its so fucking hard!! I shouldn't have to feel this way! I shouldn't be this angry ! But I am. And the fact that this will never be erased from my mind makes me angrier. I had other things to worry about. Now I have to think about this bullshit and it isn't fucking right. I want him to suffer like he has made me. I want revenge I want him to suffer every day for the rest of his fucking life. I hope my face haunts him. I hope he knows he's a sick fuck. I hope his mom knows so that he can feel ashamed. I hate him.
Before this happened, i never really thought of myself as a feminist. My mom has always been a big one. I never saw the big deal though. Its not like we arent aloud to work, and i thought there was always justice for when bad things happen to us. I never really experienced the sexism for myself so i didnt understand the whole feminist movement. But then again, i hadnt lived enough life to really notice the differences in treatment i guess. After all i am only 19. But after being raped, after doing everything i thought i was suppose to to get justice for myself and seeing that theres no fund or resources to help gain me justice i now get it. I now have a whole new set of eyes that enable me to see just how insignificant the world still sees us, how my nation sees me. We arent always seen as equals and it seems as though justice is almost never handed to us. its the 21st century though, it shouldnt be this way. I think us woman need to gain more control. I think all parents need to stop teaching out childeren gender rolls. I think we need to fight for what is right, fight for our own justice, defend eachother because it has become all to clear just where we fucking stand. If we dont fight for our own freedoms and justices who will? Us women need to stop buying into the sl*t shaming because it only makes it look okay for a man to do it also. This nation needs a restart and WE are that restart. NO ONE but us can change this.
Its only been a short time since ive seen the world through new filters, but im already sick of it. Im so tired of seeing my fellow women stomped on by men, by the government and by eachother! I wish i was able to say "one day it will be different" but it wont unless we help start make new changes in our society.
This is kind of hard to do because im not sure where to start... Theres so many beginnings that i could use once i actually think about it.
My mom got a job out of country so she wanted to make a few pit stops to see family that lives across the country. This was a little under a month ago. It worked out because my great grandmothers 96th birthday party was that weekend. We went. My second day away from home we stayed at a Holiday inn. My cousin wanted to stay in our room. the two of us went outside to have a cig and my mother an child stayed in the room. We were out there maybe three minutes when a guy not much older than me asked if we had an extra one. once we said no he stayed and continued to talk to us. Just regular chit chat. For some reason, he seemed off... i wasnt sure why though. Something he asked has stuck with me since then, he asked if we were scared being out there by ourselves. wtf? When we were about to leave he pulled a gun on us. My first reaction was to give him the only thing i had on me, my phone. He told us to walk and i knew right then exactly what was going to happen. he raped me after threatening several times that he would kill me if i didnt. I had no choice. after he laughed. how could you laugh? then he goes, as if were friend "hey, do you want your phone back? and just handed it to me and that was it. As we walked inside i was still terrified, but i was smiling. i didnt die. we went in and told my mom she called the cops yada yada..got the whole nine yards done to me. now its still under investigation.
Theres a few things that confuse me about this though..
1. Besides the gun and verbal threats it wasnt very violent. why?
2. Why did he wait? why didnt he just do it as soon as he saw us? why have a friendly conversation?
3. How many before me?
I know i may never know the answers but i cant help but wonder...
Im very angry that it happened.
I'm not as distraught about the rape, but more the gun. Its the fact he could have taken my life at any moment and that he threatened it. Its the realization that the world isnt a good place like i thought and that bad things happen to undeserving people every day. Im angry that i dont get to think like a naive 19 year old girl anymore, i want that back. Its also the fact that i now know no matter how much i teach my kid stranger danger, the buddy system, and trust your gut, theres no way i can ensure the protection. I can tell all the statistics as my mother did so that i would be more aware, but that doesnt matter. How do you teach your child that no matter how good a person you are, if someone wants something from you that they can just take it? How do you teach them to be on their toes and be aware, but also to feel safe? Should we even feel safe? I'm also angry at the justice system. i didnt even wait 2 minutes and called the police. i didnt shower because i knew i wanted a rape kit done. I showed them step by step what happened and where. they notified me that it could take a year before they even look at the dna they collected from me and that it was because other cases will take priority and they just dont have the funds. Dont have the funds? Are you kidding me? i could have died and im not important enought to fight for? What happened to me isnt scary enough to investigate quicker? what is wrong with our justice system? oh. that right. im a woman. i was only raped so no rush right? not life threatening or anything. And good luck the other young girls in that crappy little town. Oh wait again! No one in that shit hole has even been made aware of the situation.
If they ever find him, i want to talk to him. i But thats why i dont know what i would say. I dont think there is anything i could say to make him feel as i did. i dont think he would give a shit.
thanks for reading my book.. lol