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tonysullivan

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Everything posted by tonysullivan

  1. I admire how you post as if this were a journal. I mean i'm sure for many it is, but I appreciate you sharing, and bringing to light what I am sure a lot of us feel, but it feels as tho it's in a familiar way ;)
  2. tonysullivan

    Strangers !

    Keep it up, and you will get there. That was good. Im sorry you went through all that. Unfortunately for the world we live in all you said, is true, and I again I'm very sorry you went through this tragedy. The courage is there, you already possess it, no need to find it.
  3. Thanks Coco45. I will definitely try :D
  4. tonysullivan

    You....

    You were everything to me. I trusted your love But no, you come first, and no one dare step above You were my world. No exceptions, you were IT Until I realized everything, you would never admit You did things. Unspeakable, yet they pour from my soul My innocence..what?.. you robbed me of it. Whole You damaged me, but who was ever to know No one could; my non reflective exterior never let it show You had me trained, in fact, a silent monkey is what I played Until i thought screw it and your trust I betrayed You made me quiet, but only so so I tried to tell someone, anyone, silly me, even 5-0 You kept me stuck. Right where I ought to be See I never said anything, to anyone, not about you and me You kept me thinking I was loved, but Her pain I felt I loved my mother more than life itself You have given me knowledge, of most things unkind Nothing too beneficial will ever come to mind You have made me see, who you really were A horrible, disgusting father, and horrible husband to Her You disgust me. Deeply you do. I can't stand you. Now, never shall I have to You make me sick. Literally, I wanna puke Loving you was a joke. Really a fluke You are nothing to me. Yet blood makes us related The fact that you breathe no more, keeps me sedated You are grotesque in memory, just as you were, when alive And yet through all this, I must grow and I must thrive You lay there now rotting away. From me this is not a complaint For you will never hurt me again, nor my heart shall you taint You,...soulless bastard, return from whence you came. .. And it is absolutely no one's fault, but your own to blame. You are dead to me. Thank goodness it's true I guess it's about time.... Good for me and good for you You are gone now. Not much left I wanted to say In my mind, a father you were not, but a terrorist you will stay.
  5. tonysullivan

    Rise Above ...

    Very nice. It flowed well, and your message was deep, and full of inspiration. Quite the encouraging peace of art. (and yes I meant to spell it that way lol.) Thank you for sharing, I needed to read that. :D
  6. I was there, ...where were you? Faces breaking, and not into smiles Furniture takes flight,....yet has no wings Nor do I, with fright amidst, I remain firmly grounded, without flight... I was there,.... where were you? Walls shaking, due to "homestyle" earthquakes.... Floors slippery, yet there's not a drop of moisture in sight excluding tears.... No wax on the floors, not including emotions' snuffed candle residue.. I was there,...where were you? "Stunner" shades were used to mask your identity Growing self pity used as a chaser after every single shot You swam to the bottom of bottles, without surfacing for air I was there,... where were you? You slipped and fell again, aww boo hoo That wax free floor has caused you damage again? What's that? You ran into his fist first.... I was there,... where were you? Excuses rise, while reasoning cease to exist Safety first, took a backseat position in this so called "game" of life Sense made of nothing, and nothing made sense I was there,... where were you? Cold, hard truths maintained physicality... While escaping, never crossed the minds path.. Emotional exchange, was foreign in currency.. I was there,...where were you? Alcohol induced love and anger, you decidedly used for survival Violent environments' ignorance soothed my soul Offensive defense embodied my being I was there, where were you? My nature, made your nurturing obsolete... My strength, supported your weakened psyche... Even with my hearts' transparency, you willingly remain blind... I was there Momma! Where.... are you?
  7. tonysullivan

    I......

    I don't know I do care I'm happy I'm sad I know love I know strife I'm tired I'm ready I hate confusion I defeat dismay I crave release I pursue patience I'm heavy I'm light I'm saying I'm alive
  8. Distorted mirrored images of my past feel closer than they appear The calibrated scale of life reads Error due to the overwhelming weight on my shoulders Enlightening candles of thought flicker too bright to behold and burn too hot for grasping Exploring unknown territory, has given me knowledge that is Great , but also weakens with it's force Moving mountains, with motivation of success on the Horizon, I have reached goals of a new height Grabbing the bull by the horns has deeply penetrated my heart's shield, yet not through and through Mirrored Images of my distorted past only seem close, for they are starting to disappear -Tony Sullivan
  9. I sent you a message and friend request after you deleted me.(Just like I said in my other post I am a glutton for punishment.) So "what did I do to you?" has been answered, loud and clear. I married your son. I knew it had to be that since those pics have been up since the day of the wedding and you had the nerve to still have my sister listed as a friend so I know you knew as soon as we were married, due to all the web updates. So, what I did, was share my joy in a social media type of way and that was too much for you apparently. I told you when you flipped out and tried to kill yourself in front of your abused son and daughter, (who may have been adults at the time, regardless, no one should have to watch a loved one attempt that) that I would love him always and no matter what, and his sister that I love as if she were my own blood, without allowing you to continue to cause them pain. I told you to get out and get your shit together or I would figure it out for ya. Well ya left, but that is all you did and always do. Ya never actually got help for that sick twisted mind of yours, so therefore you only held up part of the deal. See I took it all the way. I stuck by their side while you recoiled into your batty nutshell of a brain, lost within the dirty, evil, pathetic depths of your shallow soul. Your son, your daughter, and I became even closer, while you decided to distance yourself, only so you could bring it up 2.5 yrs later to throw in our faces. You are upset with your son for "letting" me do the things I would. ie: calling you a bit*h, and telling you that you were disgusting and a spineless female, etc. Be upset bit*h because I meant it ALL. You let the father of your precious children abuse the son emotionally, and physically, and let him sexually abuse your daughter, and then made her cover it up for 8 years, as if nothing had ever happened. Then when your daughter finally decides to tell her brother, what their father did to her, you seriously freaked the fuck out. You didn't hold any composure, strength for your family, or ability to understand anything but it not being your fault. Be upset bit*h. Be mad at the fact that you stunted your daughters growth, but regardless, she has made leaps and bounds with self improvement and motivation to be far better of a person than you lead her to believe she could be. That's right you don't care. Be upset bit*h. Be angry that your son chose to protect, support and believe in his sister, unlike you. Be flabbergasted at the fact that a "20 something bit*h" (as you stated) can love your family in a way that is too burdensome for you. No, your son is not my child and neither is your daughter, but they are My LOVED ones. See, you can pop out whatever kids you want and discard their love as you see fit, but as the saying goes, "what's one man's trash, is another man's TREASURE."
  10. There is nothing wrong with you, but wrong has befallen you. That IS NOT your fault, so you are right there, and NEVER let ANYONE tell you different. You may feel you should have done something, but it wouldn't have happened if you had a choice. NO ONE ever has a choice in these situations. Not while it's going on, but you have ALL the power after because you SURVIVED. And don't go planning life on knowing how to feel because at this point, unfortunately you have to go with the flow of feeling. So when ya feel numb, sad, mad, angry, confused, or all in one, just know that there is nothing wrong with that. It is unfortunately part of the healing process. You are going to feel (if you don't already) like giving up, and like the end goal is too far to the finish, but try to be patient with yourself. Know that you didn't get yourself into this situation, but you are strong enough to and will get yourself out. Keep ya head up -Tony p.s. sorry if this sounded like "text book advice"
  11. tonysullivan

    Therapy

    I love how you worded all of the above. I wish I could cut some branches from my family tree as well. Nature has taken it's course with one of the branches, it just fell off, became a legit dead branch. Now it lay in the ground returning to it's original form, dirt. Now grant it, I don't know your family but I am sure I have a tree that looks a bit similar to yours. So seems to be a forest of trees in this world that need neglected trimming. And a best friend is the best therapy there is in my eyes, so i totally agree with you. Thanks vakry for enlightening my day.
  12. So I reactivated an old social site account today and uploaded some life event photos. Well my husbands mother (whom we have become estranged with due to abuse knowledge surfacing) deleted me as a friend from her list as soon as she could. I am just hurt and pissed that she would have the nerve to cut the last absolute tie she has with her son, without warning, or just the fact that she chooses to not communicate with us at all. And we just got married a few months ago. Ya think she would care, well nvm this isn't that type of mother so I don't even know why I care. But i do. It sucks to see him and his sister know that their mother wants nothing to do with them. And after all the loyalty and love they have shown her. It's just despicable. I tried to see if she would accept a friend request again, even still. Whatever i guess i am a glutton for punishment. I just want her to try to, just try to be a mother who wants to try and make up for past wrongs. She will never give them back their innocence she neglected to protect, but she could try to be their emotional safety net now. Again whatever...thanks for letting me vent.
  13. That is AMAZING! Thank you for understanding what many refuse to. Success in happiness is on it's way to you. Keep up the good fight, and you will win her heart once again.
  14. OH MY GOD I am so sorry you are being hurt in such a brutal way. Have you tried telling someone who will not tell your family? Who doesn't have any ties to them? I don't know where you live but in the u.s. there are shelters for people in this situation that are safe havens. You probably already know that. Please if there is anything I can do please let me know. I know I don't actually know you, but I am more than willing to try and help.
  15. You aren't stuck. Feeling this way is all part of being a survivor. There are so many steps in the healing process, but feeling what you once couldn't express emotionally means you are making great progress. You will feel as if you are stuck in a routine that's far from the norm for you, but know that it's just that, a feeling, and it will pass, but you gotta give yourself time. It's ok to not want to go out as frequently as you used to. It's understandable that you may not feel as social as you once were. It's good you have an outlet that's healthy like reading or cuddling with your cat, as opposed to being a self destructive person. I'm not certain if you have told any of your friends or family what you are going through, but if you feel you can trust them, try it. And if you do not want to say anything, just try to enjoy their company anyway. I know you don't want to be around anyone, trust me I feel you, but you would be amazed at how much strength you gain just from being around those closest to you. It acts as a reminder of the love people have for you. It's a reminder that you deserve to be happy. Every single human alive needs love and affection regardless of life's struggles, but survivors are in even more need of such interactions. We have been stripped of so much that sometimes it's hard to relish what we still have. I am not in any way trying to tell you to stuff your feelings way down by wearing a mask of emotions day to day, or when socializing, I'm just saying, don't deprive yourself of love and support that is rightfully yours. It will help you regain your sense of self and feelings of being afraid to live will become distant in memory. Better days are ahead, stay strong.
  16. Thank YOU for being so receptive of my feelings, and opinions. You have been a source of inspiration and encouragement since I first read your post
  17. Sorry for the rant guys. Guess I got a lot of things I need to say to someone.
  18. Correction... as atherton would say "gentle hugs" -my b
  19. Thank you The emotional pain is subsiding more and more everyday. My mother is still alive. She knows what I have been through, and it doesn't matter. She was sexually abusive as well as physically and emotionally damaging. She has told me about everything and everyone in her life that has made her feel like a piece of shit. This is from age two on. I can remember her telling me about her being gang rapped outside the home, while being married to my father who also did the same in the home. (It's not like I didn't see him doing most of this shit either) She would come to me beaten, battered, naked and crying after my father would have his way and I would hold and comfort her, while HELLO I am living in this shit too.I was being molested, not only at home but up the street at a neighbors house. And my mother raised me to only know that sex brought about babies. Nothing else. So while being tormented I tried to make sure that no one impregnated me. I figured "if I do it in the butt that doesn't happen, they wouldn't be able to get me pregnant." I remember telling one of my abusers, "no because I will get in trouble" not no I cant do this but hey take another route so I don't get found out. So while it's great my horrible father is no longer in physical existence, beside the pain he caused, she has caused me constant grief as well. She told me when I let her know a few years ago that I finally woke up and had been abused by the both of them she said as a blanket statement "you still haven't forgiven me for that? When god's day comes just like ya father would say to me..I will get whats coming." She hurts me so much. She believes its ok to have done all that and just figures I will maintain blindly loving her. I have not spoke to or seen her in like a year I believe (and it's been rough) but I am so much better off for it. I would love to express how I feel towards her and she hear ANYTHING I am saying, but I have tried and tried and to no avail. I even contemplated having her at my wedding a lil while ago. Couldn't have made a better to decision not to. It was small and neither one of us had parents in attendance, but all we wanted and needed was one another, and those who deserved to be part of such a special, much awaited day. My husband supports me fully in whatever I want to do concerning her and I as far as relationships go, but I feel I have already done so much of the hard work (trying to let go and move on) that without recourse and effort on her part, I can't foresee a healthy "mother daughter" bond. I lay wake wondering if she's ok. I wished for her to have a good life in spite of the one she lead. I crave having a mother that loves me and is so proud of me for all that I have done and will do in life. I want a mother that loves the fact that I found someone in this world that is everything a good man could be and more,regardless of the way I was raised. I want her to know that I beat the fucking odds of this spirit crushing past of mine, and live everyday grateful to just be alive. I have been so excruciatingly sad, mad, confused, and dismayed, that I am at the point where the pain is driven by motivation to stay happy. Of course it's rough but I went through their torture for 20+ years, just being free of needing to love them so strongly lifts a tremendous weight off my shoulders. I truly understand that I do not have to love them just because they did not and do not know how to love me.
  20. Thank you for that. It means more to me than you know as Flataffect7 would say " gentle hugs"
  21. It felt good to let some of my feelings out. Thanks for taking the time to read it.
  22. I feel for you deeply. There are no excuses, explanations, or apologies "just" enough in the world to gain forgiveness for such actions. I know it's cliche to say "success is the best revenge" but once you feel it, it's true. The rapist doesn't have that option. They have caused such grief and strife in others lives, that theirs will never be fulfilled. Even though they hide under the cloak of "normalcy" of everyday life, underneath is a futile, empty pit of disgust that they know is truly who they are. I bet it infuriates them to know what it feels like to be dead inside. The cliche "you are your worst enemy" has to be true for them. When I think of people like that I feel grateful that I do not want to cause others harm in any way. I gain solace in knowing that I will never know what mental anguish exist in an evil, sadistic mind like theirs. They try to seek what we feel by violating someone in that way. They want to see what it looks like for someone to care about sanity, dignity, and life. They are compelled to continue because no matter what, they never achieve feeling that for themselves. Again there are no excuses, and I am not defending rapist. I just wanted you to know that you are winning and will overcome this tragedy. You are already on your road to recovery. Hang in there.
  23. You died a little over two years ago, and since that wife of yours (ie: my mother) donated your pathetic, filthy, lifeless body to science,(so there isn't even a grave for me to visit of yours to spit, or tap dance on) I figure why not pay my respects this way. It brought me and my sister closer, even if only for a moment. As sick as that may be, this is all you left for us to feel towards you. You were hateful and callous. Why would I mourn your death? You violated what was given to you as precious gifts. You pretended to be a good husband and father, when in reality, you were a sexually, physically, and emotionally violent drunk bastard who lived life at the bottom of a fucking bottle, and at the top of everyone else's pain. So as you lay in your grave rotting with maggots using you for survival, I am living a life full of love and happiness that has nothing to do with you!
  24. tonysullivan

    The Maelstrom

    None of us had a choice in anything that happened while being victimized by "these people". When a child is born they know only what is presented to them. As that child grows they continue to absorb and emulate what has been seen. When we are that young our brains truly have more of an ability to learn so much in a short time frame. So whatever they goad us into, becomes routine, and easy to maintain. We become masters of disguise on the surface and no one is the wiser. No matter how terrible they are, we are basically programmed to love and obey everything they will. Just like the kids in countries that are military trained, they are only doing what they know. It is very sad that so many people bring life into this world only to try and destroy it. Please do not feel as if anything was brought on or carried out by YOU. They knew what they were doing was wrong (on so many levels) and simply disregarded feelings of guilt. Fuck them, don't ever take blame where you have no fault.
  25. tonysullivan

    The Maelstrom

    Hello there, I came from an impoverished home, and was sexually abused by my parents as well. While I was a little girl from the ghetto, I never viewed children in your demographic as safe from such things in the home, I never thought about it honestly. (As an adult though, trust my eyes are wide open. It matters none, if your parents choose to do this unfortunately there isn't much anyone else can do about it. Laws are coming into play more and more but the lack of knowledge on the matter is still lost on most in general.) I didn't know how fucked up my childhood truly was until about age 23. The nightmare and flashbacks started and I knew something was up. Then like a ton of bricks all the things I had remembered started to fit in where my more frequent memories were blank. Trust me I have been through the insanity of wondering why the fuck I would make some shit up like that, only to realize I'm fighting my subconscious need to acknowledge my true pain. Like you said I know it happened, I know I didn't make it up, so why the fuck do I keep going through this as if dealing with what happened isn't enough? Simple it sucks and will always suck because your not the type of person who could even entertain such behavior thought wise, let alone actually engaging in such actions. No offense intended, and I hope it was helpful. Your post was for me.
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