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swimmingwolf

Member
  • Content Count

    427
  • Joined

  • Last visited

5 Followers

About swimmingwolf

  • Rank
    survivor in training

Profile Information

  • Gender
    Female
  • Location
    Mass USA
  • Interests
    Im a fire fighter and emt, i manage to save and help others but somehow have managed to not save myself for years. Im just learning to "survive" and find that i am doing better than i thought.

    I kept myself locked up for so long that i didnt know how to come out and still to this day i struggle with that.

    I have Complex PTSD and have no idea how to deal with it but i took the leap of joining AS and im finding it helpful in my first steps of healing..

Previous Fields

  • MembershipType
    Survivor

Recent Profile Visitors

1,904 profile views
  1. Happy Birthday!!! I hope you get to enjoy it.

  2. Its ok, just take it at your own pace. We all started nervous and scared. i joined then didnt post anything for a year. we are here when you are ready. this is about YOU and YOUR healing.
  3. These memories will not leave me alone. I just want to break down and cry. Honestly, I want to die right now. I don’t think I can handle this. I keep remembering and it doesn’t stop.. Round and round in m head, I’m on a carousal and I’m not allowed off. I keep seeing my uncle. It’s summer and Tyler is baby-sitting me again. I keep wishing they would stop letting him watch me. It’s night time and still no one is home. I am starting to believe they will never come home. Tyler comes into the room and I know one of his games are about to start and even if I pretend to be asleep he won’t stop. Ther
  4. Source: Just Another Piece Of The Puzzle
  5. Thank you for responding. And even though i hate that you had to go through abuse, I'm glad someone else can understand what I am saying. It's hard to stay in this safe environment for me. It feels like even when I am happy and OK, I'm still in this flight mode and that I'm just waiting for it to happen again and in some very unusual ways that I don't understand I miss the abuse.
  6. As of lately I feel more and more out of control. As if I can't get use to being safe. Its been 16 months since I've been away from all of the abuse and all I keep doing is wanting to go back to it. I feel as if I'm completely crazy. Or am I just so damaged that all my life can consist of is abuse to feel normal.. Some days I feel like a large part of me is missing because I'm no longer being abused. I'm unable to do anything anymore without second guessing myself. And I'm also finding myself wishing for someone to hit me or something. I mean what kind of sane person wants to go b
  7. hello Audrey, So glad you said hi.
  8. So its been 16 months since i was last attacked. And honestly i cant get use to being safe. It scares me so much to be this way. Im so use to living every day wondering "will this be the day my mother kills me" or " will my uncle finally finish me off so i cant tell again". See my entire life has been one bad thing or another. My earliest memory is of my father sodomizing me. Then i have a mother who is not mentally stable and that's when shes sober. Which most of the time she was sober but she would have a week or two where she was a constant drunk. Being drunk and bipolar is not a good comb
  9. Source: One Of A Few.....
  10. thank you both for the posative reinforcment, the first time i was scared to say anything because i feared it would make it be real, but ive learned that it was already real i just wasnt able to accept it yet so i bottled it up instead. now im slowly trying to undo that cork,
  11. I came here awhile ago and decided i wasnt ready to try this, now im older and wiser and a year out of abuse and i find hat now im ready to try at the very least to heal my problem is i dont know how and seem to remain in conflicting emotions so i was hopeing maybe i could find some solice here among people whom have expericenced similiar things as i.
  12. So im not really to sure on what I'm doing, but i feel like maybe this might help. And i could be wrong but i will never know if i don't try. I suffer from Complex PTSD, which is complicated by a dissociative disorder OCD and depression. I Have stopped trying to make people believe my story and have gotten to a point where i am struggling so deeply inside that i feel permanently stuck. Though i know this cant be because there has to be more on the other side of this valley i'm in i just don't know how to get there right. So i figured maybe there is no other better way to figure it out then to
  13. swimmingwolf

    Stuff about me

    This will be my art my intrestand my life photos. So pretty much everything in a nut shell
  14. swimmingwolf

    my interest

    stuff that i like and or have made
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