swimmingwolf

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About swimmingwolf

  • Rank
    survivor in training
  • Birthday 01/05/1995

Profile Information

  • Gender
    Female
  • Location
    Mass USA
  • Interests
    Im a fire fighter and emt, i manage to save and help others but somehow have managed to not save myself for years. Im just learning to "survive" and find that i am doing better than i thought.

    I kept myself locked up for so long that i didnt know how to come out and still to this day i struggle with that.

    I have Complex PTSD and have no idea how to deal with it but i took the leap of joining AS and im finding it helpful in my first steps of healing..

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  • MembershipType
    Survivor

Recent Profile Visitors

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  1. Happy Birthday!!! I hope you get to enjoy it.

  2. Its ok, just take it at your own pace. We all started nervous and scared. i joined then didnt post anything for a year. we are here when you are ready. this is about YOU and YOUR healing.
  3. Punishment

    These memories will not leave me alone. I just want to break down and cry. Honestly, I want to die right now. I don’t think I can handle this. I keep remembering and it doesn’t stop.. Round and round in m head, I’m on a carousal and I’m not allowed off. I keep seeing my uncle. It’s summer and Tyler is baby-sitting me again. I keep wishing they would stop letting him watch me. It’s night time and still no one is home. I am starting to believe they will never come home. Tyler comes into the room and I know one of his games are about to start and even if I pretend to be asleep he won’t stop. There is no stopping him. He walks over to me and pulls my shirt up over my head, causing my hands to be pinned behind me. He then latches onto my underdeveloped nipple. When I try to push him away he hits me in the head and threatens to tell on me (I had accidently spilt juice on the carpet earlier because I had a drink where it wasn’t supposed to be). So I gave up and let him win. I hoped it would be quick and that he would leave me alone soon, but like most nights I was wrong. He pushed me to the floor and pulled out this bottle of I think it was shampoo or body wash. I wanted to ask what it was for but I knew that I’m not supposed to talk. He then pulled my panties down by my knees I think… Things start getting kind of fuzzy from here. I don’t know where they go they are just gone. I cant move my wrists no matter what I try. He’s forced me to have my bum in the air in front off him… I can feel my heart beating out of my chest and my ears are ringing and its very hard for me to sit still… He starts to pour the liquid on to me till it’s all over… Then he rubs my back side for what feels like forever… He says something to me but my ears are ringing so bad I cant hear him at all. Then he sticks a finger in.. He was gentle at first all I could feel was the pressure… But he yanks it out and the shock of the pain makes me yelp. He then shoves something into my mouth and starts yelling at me saying I need to be punished.. I hear his zipper and he rammed it in.. All I remember is the pain. I felt like I was being ripped in half.. I could actually hear my flesh ripping and I swear he moans at that… He just kept thrusting at me so hard that my body gets getting pushed even though he’s hold me.. I can feel and see I’m bleeding on him yet he doesn’t stop…I know I should have been hurting but my entire body feels numb and detached.. It’s the first time for that to happen and I’m grateful. I can feel myself floating away… I remember starring at the window just wishing to be dead.. That the pain would stop and I would no longer exist.. Next thing I remember is him throwing me on the bed and I’m clothed again and I smell cleaning supplies. My entire bod is cold and hurting. I’m scared to move because I know it is just going to hurt so I just lay there… and slip into the darkness…
  4. Source: Just Another Piece Of The Puzzle
  5. Thank you for responding. And even though i hate that you had to go through abuse, I'm glad someone else can understand what I am saying. It's hard to stay in this safe environment for me. It feels like even when I am happy and OK, I'm still in this flight mode and that I'm just waiting for it to happen again and in some very unusual ways that I don't understand I miss the abuse.
  6. Struggling To Get Use To Safety

    As of lately I feel more and more out of control. As if I can't get use to being safe. Its been 16 months since I've been away from all of the abuse and all I keep doing is wanting to go back to it. I feel as if I'm completely crazy. Or am I just so damaged that all my life can consist of is abuse to feel normal.. Some days I feel like a large part of me is missing because I'm no longer being abused. I'm unable to do anything anymore without second guessing myself. And I'm also finding myself wishing for someone to hit me or something. I mean what kind of sane person wants to go back to that abuse??? I was abused from the age of four (at least that is my earliest memory) till I was nineteen. Whats worse, at least in my eyes, is that it was multiple people (family, family friends, strangers..) and never once was i discovered. My entire existence slipped through the cracks. The two time CPS (child protective services) did get involved they dropped my case. First time was when I was maybe four or five, my bio mom (I will call her Lee), refused to allow them to talk to me. Now i don't know about everyone else in the world, but to me that would seem very odd to me and i would NOT just drop the case. But they did, so i never got help at the age. Had I been helped then I would have went through a whole lot less then I did. The second time I was in high school. It was my senior year, October or November maybe, and CPS got called again due to a flashback I had had that I written down to try to keep myself grounded being found . Well this caused a huge uproar. At the time I lived with my bio-father (who I will call Tim) and he was a very well known and highly respected man. You see he lived in a very small town where everyone knows your name. He was a Registered Nurse Practitioner whom ran a branch of a home health care services. So every one looked up to him and held him in high regards. He had only lived there for seven maybe eight years but his wife (whom i will call Jen) had grown up in this town her entire life. So when the police officer got to the school I was left alone with him. He proceeded to handcuff me and slam me against the wall exclaiming i better recant my "lies" or he would arrest me for making a false report. So of course I did. This how ever was not the end of it, when I got home I had been screamed at by Jen, and then screamed and beat by Lee and Tim.. I learned then that I was going to remain a "family secret" from then on out.. That is only mild for me, for what I have suffered. But in the end I still miss it. And to me that makes me feel like I'm maybe asking for it and that maybe I deserved what I got. So all I want to do is apologize all the time for whatever it is I did to deserve all this..
  7. Hi

    hello Audrey, So glad you said hi.
  8. Safe But Estranged.

    So its been 16 months since i was last attacked. And honestly i cant get use to being safe. It scares me so much to be this way. Im so use to living every day wondering "will this be the day my mother kills me" or " will my uncle finally finish me off so i cant tell again". See my entire life has been one bad thing or another. My earliest memory is of my father sodomizing me. Then i have a mother who is not mentally stable and that's when shes sober. Which most of the time she was sober but she would have a week or two where she was a constant drunk. Being drunk and bipolar is not a good combination. Then my fathers youngest brother r***d me from the time i was 7 till just 16 months ago, (I'm 20 now). And no matter who i told no one ever cared or helped me. I was made to look like a liar and unstable. I do openly admit (though i don't always come out and say it) that i do suffer from Complex PTSD. but that doesn't make me unstable. I don't know how to live "safe" and its becoming apparent that my body is always going to be in that " danger around every corner" mode. As for the last few weeks I'm unable to sleep due to horrendous nightmares that refuse to let up and I'm getting to a point that i desperately want to be normally. But i seriously am starting to doubt that i can ever be that. I feel like damaged materials that can never be repaired....
  9. From: One Of A Few.....

    Source: One Of A Few.....
  10. thank you both for the posative reinforcment, the first time i was scared to say anything because i feared it would make it be real, but ive learned that it was already real i just wasnt able to accept it yet so i bottled it up instead. now im slowly trying to undo that cork,
  11. I came here awhile ago and decided i wasnt ready to try this, now im older and wiser and a year out of abuse and i find hat now im ready to try at the very least to heal my problem is i dont know how and seem to remain in conflicting emotions so i was hopeing maybe i could find some solice here among people whom have expericenced similiar things as i.
  12. First Entry..

    So im not really to sure on what I'm doing, but i feel like maybe this might help. And i could be wrong but i will never know if i don't try. I suffer from Complex PTSD, which is complicated by a dissociative disorder OCD and depression. I Have stopped trying to make people believe my story and have gotten to a point where i am struggling so deeply inside that i feel permanently stuck. Though i know this cant be because there has to be more on the other side of this valley i'm in i just don't know how to get there right. So i figured maybe there is no other better way to figure it out then to talk with people who have experienced the same things as me. I know that we all have different stories and that some are worse than others and i don't wish to compare anyone to me or to make anyone feel like i'm am claiming that mine was the worst. For i know that it wasn't the worst in the world, however i am aware that my story is a bad one. With that said i am wanting to make this blog be towards more of the experiences i have had. This includes sexual abuse incest rape self mutilation cancer illness torture kidnapping and even child prostitution. so please be warned that my blog might get a bit graphic at times and should be thought of as being possibly trigger inducing at times. I would say enjoy but that is not the word for something like this, so instead i will say, safe reading and most importantly make sure to take care of your self first.