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Secondary Survivors
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    Supporter or secondary survivor
  1. New

    Hey Z, Welcome to AS. There isn't anything wrong with you, and you haven't done anything wrong. It isn't you. There are just a terrible number of horrible people around. But you didn't ask for this, and it sure isn't your fault. Start screaming at God and the world, just don't beat up yourself. This is not your fault. Hope you find many good friends here, and peace, Dan
  2. Quick Introduction

    Hey qb, Welcome. I'm a secondary, too -- my fiance is a survivor of childhood rape and abuse. Know how you feel -- the mess of emotions is overpowering. This is a great place to come when you're at a loss. Great people here. You're a strong and amazing man, supporting your spouse and daughter after learning that. A lot of men aren't there for the survivors in their lives. Welcome, and good healing Dan
  3. I think one day at a time is the most anyone can do. And the best thing anyone can do -- survivor or secondary. I had a tear, too. I think for me what is hardest -- I am trying to be the # 3, the empathic person -- is when the person is in a hole so deep and terrifying that she strikes out -- and wounds me -- or all she can see around her are dark things from a past memory, and she can't tell the difference between them & me, for a little while. It must be terrifying to be a survivor, to not always be able to tell the difference between past and present. You reach your hand into the pit -- but sometimes she doesn't know if the hand is there to help or to hurt her. I have to realize that it's not me she's defending herself against. That can be hard. Dan
  4. Hi

    Hey Brian (and everyone), Thanks so much...for both the welcome & the kind words/advice. Communication is a biggie for us -- we're getting a lot better at it. I'm a very verbal person, while she is very nonverbal. This is hardest when we're upset. I think the things that are hardest for me to cope with are: when she is triggered but I don't realize it (then I might make it worse, or she may lash out...or shut down emotionally), and when our intimacy suffers during periods when she has nightly nightmares. It isn't the lack of physical intimacy that is most difficult as much as the lack of mood, of being told that I'm desired. We're finding ways to signal & remind each other of things. D
  5. Hi

    Hi, My fiance suffers from PTSD. I've realized I could use a place to come and chat or share thoughts/feelings. At first I thought that a manly man's role was to overcome all symptoms and side effects of trauma by sheer patience and stolidness -- as though the woman I love was struggling with cancer, and I just need to be strong and hold her. Harder than I realized. I love her very much, and each day we learn to communicate more. Today is a good day; we're both laughing. This was a hard week, though. Anyway, name's Dan, and I thought I'd say Hi. I saw this web site and it looked like a place to stop by. Not sure what to say. Hi! Dan