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Flataffect7

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  1. Thank you ts for the encouraging words. They are like a healing balm to my soul.
  2. Had lunch with my youngest the other day (she's 32) and she told me she was seeing a therapist. She reminded me of how I failed her, and as hard as it is to hear I GET IT! She is angry with me most of the time these days, and she is very sensitive of disappointment. But you know what? I GET IT! I really, really do. It's now my job to absorb the negativity, to be a sounding board and a soft place for her to fall when she needs it. I die a thousand deaths a day, and am continually on the verge of tears. Because I wasn't sensitive to her tears, her fears long ago when she was my little girl. Much too self-absorbed, looking for love in the wrong places with the wrong people...when it was there all along in my precious child who wanted nothing more than to be seen, heard and made to feel like she mattered. I hurt so on the inside, that sometime I don't see how I can continue, but I must. I failed my little girl. I DID! And she hurts too. SO YES I REALLY DO GET IT
  3. Hello Truffles15. I hate that this has happened to you, but talking about it is such an important step in finding the healing you need and deserve. The road though is long, treacherous and fraught with deep valleys but also it's where you will find yourself, your strengths and many friends who travel this road along side you. Hold on tight to that little person inside of you that was molested, it's not her fault! She does have a voice, though she tries to be silenced you cannot allow that to happen even for one more second! This is your time for healing. Grab hold on it, because the life that awaits on the other side will be so worth the effort. Take good care.
  4. So, I entitled by blog "Taking Out The Trash", and now it's time to do just that. Most of the garbage, or REFUSE hangs out in my brain, I know that...and I guess it's up to me to recognize what doesn't belong there. What is conviction vs condemnation, truth vs lies, healthy thoughts vs those that do nothing to bring about healthy change. Trash, garbage, refuse. It's that "stinkin' thinkin'" as they call it in AA, and it's what seeks to rob me of my vitality-and where my mind WILL GO if allowed. To quote The Beatles; I'm fixing a hole where the rain gets in And stops my mind from wandering Where it will go I'm filling the cracks that ran through the door And kept my mind from wandering Where it will go And it really doesn't matter if I'm wrong I'm right Where I belong I'm right Where I belong. See the people standing there who disagree and never win And wonder why they don't get in my door. I'm painting the room in a colourful way And when my mind is wandering There I will go. And it really doesn't matter if I'm wrong I'm right Where I belong I'm right Where I belong. Silly people run around they worry me And never ask me why they don't get past my door. I'm taking the time for a number of things That weren't important yesterday And I still go. I'm fixing a hole where the rain gets in And stops my mind from wandering Where it will go. The key word is REFUSE. I must refuse to listen to the condemning voices, they already had their say! Fixing a Hole, Taking Out the Trash. Demand change! I really like that, TS.
  5. I can't even imagine what it feels like to have your parent be your abuser. That's so sad, and I am sorry for what happened to you...but glad that he is no longer a factor in your life, physically speaking. Maybe someday the mental and emotional pain will die as well. Take care!
  6. tonysullivan...thank you, I need to hear, and what's more take to heart what you are saying. For someone not yet 30 years old, there is much wisdom in your words, and I will do my best to follow-up with what is necessary in bringing healing to each one of my children's lives. They deserve better than what they got from me, and I intend to give what I can...time, energy and most of all love.
  7. Thank you Sarkasm. I'm glad I didn't do it also. I just can't put that kind of a burden on my loved ones...I hope you find some peace in the midst of your struggles.
  8. What is happening to you, you didn't ask for and you wish it would just go away. Wish I could tell you it does go away, but that would be false. Have you sought the help of a good therapist? You need to talk to someone who can help you sort through the heaps and heaps of emotional "garbage" that attaches itself to the minds of those that experience sexual abuse. It's as if the mind and emotions are invaded by "demons" that you did not invite, and they will try to kill your spirit and eventually your physical/mental person if left unchecked, in the form of lost energy and depletion of joy, hope and well being. It has been over 45 years for me since the first incident (that I can recall), so as you can tell, there is nothing "stupid" about what you are feeling, but it's unfortunately, the norm. I sure do wish you peace, but I am afraid it will not come without some professional intervention. I have been there, and may need to get back there very soon myself as things have surfaced that I am unable to get past without some guidance. Good luck to you...and God bless you.
  9. Yesterday can only be described as a very bad day for me. I found myself standing next to my husbands side of the bed, where his 45 mm hangs in it's holster, locked and loaded and beckoning to me to take it out, point it at my head and blow the damn thing off. Better off dead, than to have to live with the constant guilt over what will never change-my failure as a mother. There was also some degree of self pity involved; one day past my 60th birthday, and zero of my 4 children even acknowledged it. All I could think was "it serves me right". I thought these types of days were long gone, especially after being prescribed Prozac 6 years ago after a similar incident of self imposed "punishment" for my sins, my crimes. The self affliction- breaking things, punching myself and yelling "I hate you" and "f**k you" at my reflection in the mirror, brings little if no relief to my tortured mind. This very bad day was exacerbated by the fact that I have not heard from my son since I told him he can't stay here, after he got his power shut off for non-payment, lost his job and is numbing himself with prescription meds to try to escape reality. I am afraid for him...his dad tried to kill himself and I have entertained the idea a few times myself. I am afraid he feels like he simply has nothing to live for, that he has blown his chance to be a happy and productive person...that life is just to hard and too hurtful. I'm pretty sure I need to be back in therapy, since things have surfaced from the past that are troubling. I am suffering, my mind is putrefied and is poisoning my spirit. I have no energy...and I am back to being flat in my affect. That's the worst of all. I can't feel anything. Except guilty.
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