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  1. I just bought really soft and fuzzy and warm pink slippers.
  2. welcome. setbacks happen. This time of year is especially triggering for a lot of us, but healing isn't a linear process. It goes back and forth. The only thing I can do when i have a setback it work through it because it wouldn't have come up if it didn't NEED to be dealt with. I hope you find some support here. jessiejoy
  3. JessieJoy

    No Point

    I really don't see the point anymore. I lost two friends recently -- one because she walked away and the other because she VICIOUSLY turned on me out of nowhere (not that she'll take responsibility for that). In addition: I've lost both of my cats my car my entire family and another friend who decided I was too "immature" to deal with (sorry if you don't like the littles bit*h) I just don't see the point of putting myself out there anymore, of meeting anyone else EVER when they're just gonna decide I'm a piece of shit and walk away. Even my idols want nothing to do with me. Why bother? Why d
  4. I do better for a few days, feeling strong and then I dealt with a situation with a friend that I needed to deal with -- I had to cut her off because it's just been lingering there for years and it's not healthy -- but then saying goodbye brought up all this grief and pain and I'm right back in the thick of it again. When does this nightmare end? I am so tired of one step forward 294,350,478 back. I just want to be able to live and it feels like I can't because there's all this pain and anger and shame and bullshit in the way.
  5. alone and broken. two words I know intimately. You're not alone and broken, well, that can be fixed (or so they tell me) welcome! jessiejoy
  6. The only help I can offer you is that you are not alone. I've been in a PTSD snowball for four years. Keep thinking i'm gonna hit bottom soon, but everyday I just keep rollin down that mountainside. It sounds like you might want to talk to a therapist or a counselor because on top of your sexual assault, you experienced a lot of loss in a very short period of time and it's going to take A WHILE to heal from all that. ((((hugs, if ok)))) jessiejoy
  7. JessieJoy


    So, for a moment, let's just believe healing is possible. What would that mean? If you could let go of the negative beliefs, if the pain and terror and shame and anger no longer controlled you every move? If you could let go of it. If you could change your ingrained beliefs and come to healthier understandings. What kind of life would you want? What dreams do you have that you think are impossible because of what happened to you? What would be doing if you'd never been a survivor? Those are hard question for me to answer. I know what I want. I want family. A real, healthy, loving famil
  8. JessieJoy

    Lie To Me

    Buffy: Does it ever get easy?Giles: You mean life?Buffy: Yeah. Does it get easy?Giles: What do you want me to say?Buffy: (looks up at him) Lie to me.Giles: (considers a moment) Yes, it's terribly simple.Giles: The good guys are always stalwart and true, the bad guys are easily distinguished by their pointy horns or black hats, and, uh, we always defeat them and save the day. No one ever dies, and everybody lives happily ever after.Buffy: Liar. --- Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Season 2 Not sure why, but this is really speaking to me this morning. Feel so drained and numb. Just want someo
  9. Had a new memory last night. Fucking irate about it. Took some meds, calmed down, went to sleep. woke up EVERY three hours feel like I haven't slept at all. I need some serious comfort. or an attitude adjustment. or just some fucking sleep. none of which is gonna be easy to come by today. that memory is just so fucked up. and me, being stupid, am surprised. Idk why... it's perfectly in line with everything else he did to me. but... he once told my sister (who he also abused) that he wouldn't fuck her because it would hurt too much. but he sodomizes me. DOES THAT MAKE SENSE? He won't hurt
  10. I'm here, Tania. I was abused by everyone in my family of origin pretty much from birth until four years ago. 39 years of abuse. It sucks. It's hard, and I've been in therapy my entire adult life because of it. I joined this forum about a year and half ago, but I left shortly afterward because I wasn't ready to deal. Now, I'm back (just this week in fact) and I'm already finding it incredibly helpful. I hope you do, too. My pm box is always open, too. jessiejoy
  11. JessieJoy

    My Story

    You were molested at 9. You were violated at 13. You were attacked at 18. At 20 and 21, you were violated again and again. You were raped twice at 23. It doesn't matter if you were drunk. It doesn't matter if you "put it in" (because if you hadn't, he would have). It doesn't matter that you made mistakes. Mistakes do not give someone the right to do these things to you. You are a SURVIVOR. I'm so sorry for what happened to you. If you can't afford therapy, I'm glad your here. This may not be therapy and I'm no therapist, but I relate to what you're saying. When I was 9, my bff had a slumber
  12. The problem with running away is that, you know, people? Kind of a planetary problem. So you'd be running away from ppl you're scared of only to run to DIFFERENT ppl to be scared of. But I understand the inclination. But here's what you really need to know, right now: You're braver than you think you are. You survived this already. A lot of survivors are afraid of being re-traumatized. That's a normal response to a traumatic experience, but more often that not, it's an irrational fear. You're ok. Really. I promise. Just breathe.
  13. sounds reasonable to me. and you're right, it can't hurt to be organized and prepared, just in case. jessiejoy
  14. I joined AS about a year and a half ago, but left shortly afterward because I wasn't ready to deal with my CSA. Now, I'm fully engaged in dealing with it -- all aspects of it. I see my T twice a week and I spend every other day of the week working on therapy homework, reading books about my illnesses, reading articles online about things like Learned Helplessness and what I can do to fix the issues I have in my current relationships with friends. But coming back to AS is proving to be a very powerful experience for me, for several reasons. 1. being able to help others on the forums with the
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