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Green

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    Female

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  • MembershipType
    Survivor

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  1. Hi, Green.

    i can relate to feeling nervous and not wanting to post anything.

    it's ok. take your time.

    :hug:

  2. I need a space to throw out these feelings that are so quickly pulling me under. I try to turn to people in my life who might understand, but they all seem to be wading through their own piles of shit far deeper and wider than my own. What right do I have to ask them to stop and listen to me? Absolutely none. My problems are petty and pointless. That bothers me more than the problems themselves. You're just having a pity party. Man the fuck up. Can the world send someone to beat the life out of me so I at least have a reason for this pain, please? Seriously you'd be doing me a favour. I'm disgusting, stupid, ugly, whining, ignorant but so what? I'm alive, healthy, safe and loved. I Should be happy with that, RIGHT? So many people don't have these basic things. But I'm not happy. I'm not even ok. It's utterly pathetic and I hate myself for it. Hate, despise, loathe. There aren't words strong enough. You know what FUCK THIS. Writing is pointless. I'm getting nowhere. My life is pointless.
  3. Where ever I run, whatever I try to be I'm always left feeling like I don't fit in anywhere. I feel different somehow. Different from everyone else. Even here, where I really thought there would be people similar to myself I am still feeling different. I don't know how to connect with others anymore. I've tried everything I can think of but nothing makes a difference. My life is lived like a show animal in a glass box. Everyone loves to stare but no one wants to get too close. Not that I blame people. Only I built this box around myself, and I made it indestructible. But oh how I wish there was a crack in the glass to reach out from. I am just 'that' weird girl.
  4. Why is it that the relief I get from talking to you always fizzles out into guilt, despair and the feeling of having done something awful by opening up? Don't know if seeing you each week is helping me. It just seems to bring out a ton of self hate and criticism. At the same time though the relief I feel is incredible. I need to learn how to stop being horrible to myself and doubting and worrying over every little thing I say and even the things you say too. When I have breaks from seeing you I can stuff everything away and have some kind of life that isn't consumed by talking and analyzing what's been said. I also know that squashing things away isn't going to make them stay away forever. Im just fed up of being eaten alive by my own thoughts. Please help me make it stop?
  5. I get the impression from others that I have no right to feel emotional about you passing away... so I don't. At least not on the outside anyway. I've bundled it up and squashed it down already because, after all, you were 'only' my neighbour. Forget the fact that I used to see you most days, sat with you, kept you company, dressed you, shopped for you, did chores for you, ran errands for you... I'm not allowed to feel anything about this because you weren't a member of my family. And because I do not feel entitled to my own grief part of me has already taken it away and buried it in a place I can't find. It's the most unnatural thing, sitting here feeling quite happy and content when that is not what I feel at all. You haven't even been dead for a day, but of course, it shouldn't bother me.
  6. Green

    I Hate Me Right Now

    I'm so sorry that you're having a hard time vakry. We all slip up sometimes, it happens. The way I see it is that tomorrow is a whole new day. Forgive yourself and try again. Please try and look after yourself!
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