Annie7

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About Annie7

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    formerly moon
  • Birthday February 23

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  1. i bless my persecutors online and off 

  2. blah2

    ok it just erased everything haha trigger alert so i talked to my son last night and he's depressed and i feel awful about that he worries me and discusses death. he is sixteen. not so good. god doesn't do shit so prayer to me is like the greatest cosmic joke of all time. i don't know what god joel osteen and his lot pray to but she must be really selective about whom she chooses to help. who? whom? yea, i majored in english. anyway, he is depressing the shit out of me. he is a great kid. it's just too hard. i am starved but have to wait for a phone call then trek out for groceries. i was tempted to order a pizza. but will probably just go and shop. im depressed about everything b.c. my life is very depressing. and ive basically shut down to the point i ignore health appts due to triggers, and am minimally functional. im angry about everything and at every last little shit thing anyone's ever done to me and tired of life in general. of how lonely and unendurable it has been for so long. therapy stabilizes but doesnt heal and meds dont do much for me. what is helping is jogging and melatonin for sleep and trying to breathe and for me, getting out of this place daily. the weekends are awful, trapped with no car unless i take a cab, and i have zero contact with the neighbours, who basically all make me want to jump into an active volcano. not. my. tribe. god is a big ol'joke. i realise the ptsd guy i wrote was not a good friend fit for me b.c. i actually didn't like him. he was full of himself and was writing me to help his own career and had an agenda. he did some nice things for me but i felt like i was taking out my rages on him in a weird way with too much complaining. or just showing off my writing in some way. and it felt like shit. i attempted to write him again to no avail. the blood was gone. if you are gonna write me, fuck your blog, ok? write me b.c. you want to write me, not b.c. you are an opportunistic little careerist. he had mentioned in one of his posts he had been mentioned in the NY Times. that enough made me kinda puke. i think ppl are so goddamned sad in the way they need their ego boosts and individualistic accolades. i dont get any of it. i wish i had been born in a country where its ok to be the equivalent of a sufi. or to be a bike messenger. where you dont have to climb up some ladder in order to feel OK about yourself. so, fuck. i never could play any of these weird games and am certainly not in any position to play them, im a poor, mentally ill, possibly psychotic woman who talks to herself, has been homeless, has anger, and has been abused most of her life. who hates society and sees right thru it's bull. they used to burn witches and they woulda burned me. crosses herself and shudders. when im very stressed i talk to myself. traffic stresses me. waiting for the bus with the cars rushing past. everybody wants something from you, mostly. we should be studying love and how to create it. today i will meditate on love. i hope my life ends in a few years b.c. i have no strength left to endure this continued hell. i didnt deserve it and it's not my fault, it was all orchestrated by satan to shut me in a box and leave me there to rot. my fucking parents are fucking evil, they are the antichrist's wet dream. but just remember, you never broke me. and i wont break me, either.
  3. i love you lots ((((((teleah))))) thank you you always make me feel important and like i am a good person
  4. blah - triggers

    i woke up very depressed and am just lying here in a kind of semi-coma, deciding if social media feels safe. nope, never does. oh well. i lit some orange scented incense. made my coffee. the usual blahhhh i had a long convo with my son last night who lives in pennsyvlania. i didnt give birth to him, but he's my son nonetheless. and we worked it out. im grateful that god sent him to me. i need any and all family i can get in this shit world. my father chooses to return to me in the form of flashbacks that grow old. im still thinking about the neighbour and her crappy comments to me. unsolicited advice. telling me not to avoid ppl. rude obnoxious overbearing. telling me that others were suffering. really? nah, i thought i was the only one. im glad she's out of my life b.c. all she did was fuck my ride. she can fuck somebody else's ride. i am capable of being seriously aggressive when pissed off and i dont like that she brought that out in me. nor do i have any desire to go there anymore. ptsd and outbursts. it's not pretty to see yourself sometimes. i realise i tried to hard to be peaceful when the wounds are still festering with rage and pain. and i can't put a band-aid over them. i wrote down my fears last night and attempted to turn them over to god. i went to a prayer service last night. get sick of the male language. like god has a di*k. that makes me laugh. i wonder about ppl who need god to be male. hulloooo, here i am. abuse has fucked me up so incredibly hard and yet i keep walking. i keep trying. i keep searching. those who dont try with me im not trying back with anymore. it aint worth it. on the bus the other day i clutched my stuffed animal and this dude gave me the funniest look of all time. yep a grown woman clutching her stuffed raccoon. maybe he thought i was going to stand up and start screaming, who knows. i feel like it a lot of the time. i feel a lot tougher and a lot more broken at the same time than most ppl i meet. it's a weird thing. im avoidant and have dealt with enough crap to want to avoid most ppl now, but i need ppl. so i search out ppl i can tolerate and situations. im me. i dont have to be you. im me. i still love M. i see his face in the morning. and, i think it's funny ppl are moaning about the metoo movement. to me it is like HELL YEAH. it's out there. ppl are fighting back in a very vocal way. it's sad we need "celebrities" to kick it off but so fucking what. the more this shit is shucked in ppl's faces, the more ppl are gonna think about it. so i'll take it. it's not going to be perfect, nothing in this shit world is, this world is lucifer's playground as my ol'friend Pete said. it sure is. but i'll take the sadly warped free publicity that sadly warped ppl created in order to call attention to the abuse women and some men have suffered for far too long now. in order to hopefully educate and make it stop. those on board are on board, those who aren't, aren't. same old story. but things are exploding now. and that, to me, is a good thing, b.c. SILENCE is what kills ppl. thank god for this board.
  5. they either go away or i go away b.c. of triggers. how do you have relationships in this world? i have no family. im beyond tired. 

    1. Show previous comments  8 more
    2. Free2Fly

      Free2Fly

      Lol aww :) ,

      what do you mean by 

      "where are your from - originally"?

    3. Annie7

      Annie7

      line from ghostbusters

    4. Free2Fly

      Free2Fly

      Oh Hehe haha , yeah I remember that line now he is funny.

  6. want a break from the same day, every day, me and bill murray, yea

    1. Show previous comments  7 more
    2. Annie7

      Annie7

      haha yes im very shy in person although i can be obnoxious haha

      i get spastic lol . generally im not what you'd call a talker HAHA

      you'd never know it from how i talk on this board 

      thank you Joshua 

      yea he did mess me around and won't admit it 

       

    3. Free2Fly

      Free2Fly

      Lol makes sense,

      i totally get that , on the internet I can talk , in RL , I'm too afraid to talk so yeah.

      yw Annie :) ,

      yeah well there are guys that just act like fools and mess girls around.

    4. Annie7

      Annie7

      yea i get that and ppl try and intimidate you like even when i go to the library there are three nambobs just staring at me behind the counter when i ask for a guest pass for the computer. i swear ppl do this crapola on purpose, haha. im tired of having to go against my basic nature which is gentle. ugh it's annoying. 

      yea there are guys like that sadly ;( 

      :dance::)

  7. do you have crisis hotlines or warm lines or talk lines, i cobble together support from this board, a hotline, a warmline, and basically make do. i chat to ppl on blahtherapy and 7cupsoftea sometimes
  8. stuff from my brain yea

    most of what i write in blogs will have triggers Creating a blog is a bit funny to me, who even reads it. mine is just full of whine and ranting but it's for me really so what does it matter. sometimes i think i'm just crazy. im very lonely, let's put it that way. i do so badly with ppl. the weather yesterday allowed me to take a walk. when i walk - i'm 5'11 in my sneakers, haha, no hiding for me - i just don't look at ppl. i hate where i live and ppl here are just snobby and rude in general. the creepiest fucking thing is recently (this is a trigger thing) i was in the line to buy groceries. i cannot STAND someone being fucking behind me in line, i shift around and just hold myself tensely until i feel like im going to fucking explode. and i was talking a bit to the cashier, who was a decent person, and all of a sudden i realize this gross woman behind me is just STARING at me. like some sort of fucking warped sociopath. i just look at her and look away. it was beyond creepy. it reminded me of a scene in a movie where somebody would later tie you up and do sick sadistic sexual things to you. i guess a T would say im projecting, but id rather err on the side of knowing the worst ppl are capable of - which i do thanks to Stephen - then make any assumption anyone has my best interests at heart. the look this psycho gave me was creepy, and staring at someone abnormally is sick. she didnt even look away. i could have stared her down, im capable of aggression, but i chose to let her "win" and look away. my competitive streak keeps me alive, but it also makes me feel sometimes like i cant let any little thing slip, which is bad. id rather turn the other cheek as it were. so that freaked me out. im very polite to ppl in general but i do not care for starers. if you are poor in this country - good ol' america, im the granddaughter of immigrants, blah blah - you are essentially on the fringes. i dont have a car so bike or walk everywhere. sometimes i feel like i exist on my own planet. you feel like ppl are laughing at you sometimes and around here i wouldnt be surprised. there is no joy in this place for me, im so tired of living in it. moving is not as easy as ppl think. i have felt my entire life like a freak in a cage smashing thru the bars trying to get out unable to get out thanks to twelve years of abuse by him. he helped himself to his own daughter. i dont do religion anymore, catholicism is such a sick, sick bastard and a half. keep your fucking child raping cult. thank you, just do. i am a very "tolerant" person in that i believe everyone should be left alone to be themselves unless they are, you know, torturing children or animals, but catholicism is a sick joke. most priests are gay and they are hiding out in that church. if we had a more accepting society we probably would be a lot healthier as human beings. people are forced to hide in this world. i have to hide myself - my past, my abuse, my symptoms, my stupid labels, my source of income, all of it. its fucking exhausting. its made me really strong, i have a mouth like a razor and dont hesitate to use it, but mostly i keep quiet and just watch ppl. ive done it all my life. im quiet by nature, its in writing it all explodes unless im really angry and then i can explode there too but im trying to cope with my rage by jogging, writing, and realizing that abusers and this society are pathetic. who do we worship? why is money so impt? why cant everyone be themselves? why is there so much sickness and self hatred turned outwards? why? why do we do the horrible things we do? society is a giant bully, it denies and sweeps under the carpet and gaslights, i know, ive been thru it all now. im not a woman to fuck with but so many fucked with me it wasnt even funny, its why i have a zero tolerance asshole policy and ppl dont last long with me anymore. im tired of feeling guilty. how do you trust after what i went thru? how? someone tell me, please how. ppl live mostly for themselves and most of them are not going to value you. the few who do are family. im kinda no longer surprised by ppl walking away or not returning calls or doing what they do, i think a lot of ppl struggle with intimacy and connection and have chosen to be alone. in many ways i have too which is sad, b.c. its not so easy after a certain age although im neither old nor really young. but when i am "old", who will i be? I dont see myself getting "old'. i have no family, have had a very traumatic life, and god is silent. i believe in god but not the god of "pray more and believe and you'll get what you want". i try and see the best in ppl and i cant forgive but i am trying to live in peace somehow. words and music keep me alive, and exercise, coffee, chocolate, nature, animals, but i do need a lover some day. a gentle kind soul. i fell in love with a man in england but he wants to be alone, he has abuse issues too. he wants friendship only. its tiresome b.c. i am very passionate and i need to be touched and loved. body contact, skin contact, all the good stuff, i feel like that's hard to come by for me, b.c. of trust, but i think some day ill have it somehow. ive waited long enough. i am a romantic and i do think i know how to love despite it all. people come and go and some dont stay long at the fair. i think society needs to heal and outcasts like myself and other marginalized ppl need to be drawn forward to be embraced and loved and nurtured, but society is a cold capitalistic dog eat dog entity. that's unfortunate. without love, or a healthy planet, we can't endure. i dont know much about much but i do believe lack of love is what kills ppl and animals and the earth. love. original hippie type shit sans the drugs and free sex. my abusers clearly didnt know love and were brainwashed. society will brainwash you. i am very vigilant each day to try and find some peace for me and to think my own thoughts and to try and assume now the best of others but to trust my instincts. as a woman i get objectified. i am mouthy with those ppl and wont hesitate to put them in their place. its ok to just ignore them. the guy awhile ago who said "hi" to me and clearly expected that i owed him a "hi" didnt realize i see right thru this crap. i owe you nothing. i owe me peace in a life of little peace. i owe you jack and jill shit. i know when ppl dont see me. i am worth seeing.
  9. retiring from being an empathy dispensing machine - when i think of how many i cared for who were such selfish ppl - blah, never again - sort out your own crap, i'll sort out mine - i have a few peeps who i will go to the ends of time for - everyone else, you lot are on yer own now

    1. stagnes

      stagnes

      Good plan! 

    2. Annie7

      Annie7

      thanks ;) :)

  10. hanging on by a thin thread today waiting for it to snap kinda hoping it does had enough of this crap

    1. Field8

      Field8

      sitting with you my friend SweetMoon. Much love!!!!

    2. Annie7

      Annie7

      i love you tons Fieldy 

  11. HEY WHERE ARE YOU

  12. fish have emotions. i went away and put in a vacation feeder. the thing didn't even distribute properly in the tank ;( so when i come back he's whipping back and forth angrily and wouldn't even look at me. haha, i had an argument with the boy in rugby about this, he claims fish don't have emotions. you deluded git they certainly do lololololol 

  13. So, the laws protect the abusers. I can't list the names of mine? I am hunting them down systematically and sending messages , emails, FB posts, and am tracking down a number right now so I can leave a message. There is nowhere to hide anymore. This world protects only the evil and ignores the good, this world is all about punishing the good and upholding the wicked systems. I have about zero hope left but I will die fighting, it's in my blood, it's my nature. You can't win. I win. A-FREAKING-MEN or as I like to say, AWOMEN