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Everything posted by rsilver15

  1. I've been writing recently about things that I accept or things that I can 'allow' myself to do, and also things that I don't need to accept, and I've found it helpful. What are some things you feel you can allow yourself to feel/do? And things you can let go of and realize you don't need? For me, right now: I'm allowed to take care of myself. I'm allowed to say no. I'm allowed to do what feels right, comfortable, and safe for me, I don't need to justify or apologize or excuse myself to anyone for being myself and living my truth. I don't need to take responsibil
  2. rsilver15

    Life is...

    Life is, in a word, ridiculous. I will never understand how people can go through life with complete faith in one thing, when things happen daily that cause me to question everything I think I know! Sometimes I feel like there has to be a loving God looking out for us, but other times I feel like however we got here, we’re on our own now. It is hard to reconcile the evidence when it is so contradictory. On the one hand, you have man’s capacity for love and intimate relationships, free will and knowledge, growth and ability to change, acts of anonymous kindness and global goodwill that brin
  3. rsilver15

    What you taught me

    You taught me so much I wish I hadn't learned. You taught me that caring is weakness, that trust will be betrayed, that vulnerability will be preyed upon. You taught me to hide, to guard, to pretend instead of letting people see, instead of sharing how I feel. You taught me to doubt, you taught me to be wary, cautious, and mistrusting. You taught me that good things can't last, that people will let you down, will choose their own comfort over others safety. You taught me that love is a liability. A contest, a battle with winners and losers, a costume, an illusion to u
  4. I'm not ok

    1. Show previous comments  1 more
    2. Capulet


      I'm so sorry!  I have these days and moments, too.  Always around if you need to talk.  If not, that's okay, too - will sit quietly in your corner if you'll have me. :)  Hang in there.

    3. rsilver15


      thank you @snmls and @Capulet so much, grateful to know someone is there.  I feel like I've been telling everyone "I'm ok" a lot lately and this felt like the only place I could be honest and say I'm not.

    4. Capulet


      @rsilver15 - that is what I like the most about this place!!! :)  I feel I can be most honest both with myself and others here while offline, I have to sugar-coat a lot of things.  

      I hope the evening is being good to you.  

  5. rsilver15


    I took a health assessment today as part of my new insurance plan. It rated my wellness in several areas and apparently, while I am doing a good job of maintaining a healthy weight and active lifestyle, I avoid tobacco and I stay up to date on vaccines, I am not healthy because I don't have strong social connections. It's funny because this is a theme I return to again and again in my mind; however well other things are going, however long it's been since I've had a panic attack or suicidal thought, however many social gatherings I attend, I always feel...unconnected. Now, that prefix might
  6. rsilver15

    Wings, or Roots?

    I have been traveling for work for the past year - I get a contract for about 3 months, and work and explore and then move on. It has been so interesting and I have learned a lot about myself, but I have been lonely and feeling this yearning for security and comfort and familiarity. That is the big struggle in life, right? We crave both security and freedom but to really have one, we have to give up the other. I've always felt called to the freedom side of things, and whatever I've done, I've always felt like I should be doing more - taking more risks, creating fewer ties to the places I liv
  7. rsilver15

    My Brother

    Thank you so much Waves, I really appreciate your kind words!! Thanks for reading my story, it means a lot!
  8. rsilver15

    My Brother

    I'm feeling pretty on edge right now, just messed up. Not a great way to feel on a Sunday night before a long work week (or anytime, I guess). Why are families so fucked up so much of the time? I had a decent weekend; I went to the beach, I talked with people over a beer, it was good. I called my Grandma, she was sad because she hasn't spoken to my brother in 3 years (I haven't in longer than that) and she was wondering if she should invite him to Michigan when she goes this year. I said, what could it hurt? At least that way he'll know we still care, we're still here. I occasionally reach out
  9. rsilver15


    I've been feeling depressed lately. In the true, medical sense of things - I feel chemically imbalanced; fatigued, hopeless, withdrawn, with a physical feeling of heaviness, sadness, that I can't shake off. I start to cry over nothing, I constantly stifle inner dialogues that go something like "this will never get better," "it could, it will, maybe"..."no one loves you," "yes, they do.". I may be off about this - I haven't had my neurotransmitters tested lately, but I feel like this is a different kind of depression that what I feel in regards to my past experiences, trauma, etc. It's har
  10. I came on today to ask, "is this day really hard for anyone else?" and 2 seconds on, I can see it is. I'm so sorry for anyone who experiences this day as a reminder of what our fathers/father figures were not, of pain caused and hearts broken or betrayed. I feel it, too, and we all deserved better. 

    1. Free2Fly


      Safe hugs :hug: if ok?

      yeah I think everyone is having quite a hard time & it really sucks to see everyone this way :( ... 

      even I have fallen on hard times it's been nothing but dark days & very hard to get through....

    2. rsilver15


      Thank you! It does, and I am so sorry you are feeling this way too - at least we know we are not alone, right? safe hugs back to you, hope tomorrow is better/easier

    3. Free2Fly


      Your welcome & thank u , yeah it's good to know that your not alone in these dull days.

      i hope tomorrow is better/easier for you too.

      sitting with you and here if you wanna talk.

  11. rsilver15

    I am not a Phoenix

    Hi TEP! Well, first of all, welcome to AS - I am glad you are here!! I totally understand what you mean about stopping things when you get in a funk. That happens to me all the time - I get in a good routine or rhythm with things, and then something hits me and its like..well, back to square one, I guess? But I think something I've learned is that it's not square one, really; every time you try something, even if it doesn't work or you stop, you are still working towards something and you are still making progress. And that helped me because it used to be, when that would happen I would f
  12. rsilver15


    Feeling accepted is one of the most important pieces to overall well-being, in my opinion. For the longest time, I was convinced that no one could ever accept me, not if they really knew me...I thought that I was broken, that I had some internal, innate part of me that was unloveable and unworthy of compassion or acceptance. I've slowly been changing that, layer by layer, and while there is definitely still a small core part of me that is always there to whisper those terrible thoughts to me, I've come a lot closer to believing that I am just as worthy of love and acceptance as any other hum
  13. rsilver15

    I am not a Phoenix

    Well you know what they say about the best laid plans... I have planned for so many things, I have wanted so much that never seems to come about. I wanted to get a certain job, I wanted to lose weight before a big trip, I wanted a boyfriend or at least a not disastrous sexual experience, and I wanted to live by the ocean. I wanted to learn to surf and marry a wealthy, funny, handsome, kind gentleman. Whats more I wanted a dad I could love, one who would surprise me with pancakes and be supportive but protective of me with boys. One who would teach me how a man should treat a woman an
  14. I'm going home tomorrow!! After 5 months working in Alaska - I am excited and nervous about being back where people know me :ohmy:

    1. MeBeMary


      Hope all goes well on your return.

  15. Don't know quite what to say...just feeling anxious and not looking forward to another week.

  16. Had a good day today! Trying not to overanalyze/nit pick about little things and just be happy. Why is that so hard?

  17. it's been one of those days where everything seems to be malfunctioning, the dishwasher and my brain for example

  18. Really dreading this week. I don't know why, but I just have a bad feeling about it

  19. So I was baptized today. It was nice, really, in the end. I spent about 20 minutes after church crying in the bathroom for who knows what reason, but after I pulled myself together and rejoined everyone it was ok. I'm still not as sure as feel like I should be about the whole religion thing... but I'm glad I'm trying.

  20. Hi Blacksatin, I just wanted to tell you that you are not alone and that you are very brave. I know how exhausting carrying around this kind of pain is, and I hope that this board will be a place that will help you to heal. I am so sorry you have a reason to be here, but I am glad you are here because it is a great place to find support and compassion. Hopefully that makes sense! -Silver
  21. I am glad you figured it out! I'm here if you have any questions or anything, too... I'm new too, but I'd be happy to help if I can. Just know that everyone here is really supportive and understanding, and will make you feel very welcome. I am sorry for the reason you are here, but I think it is good that you found AS and I hope it will help you
  22. Hi Rachel, I am new too. How do I post messages? Hi mousie, all I did was, at the top right of the page there are a couple blue buttons and one of them says 'new topic' and you just click that and you will be able to post your own message! I hope that helps and you are able to start posting! And welcome to AS, it has been really wonderful for me, so far.
  23. Thank you everyone for welcoming me, I really appreciate it.
  24. Hi, My name is Rachel, I'm 20 and I'm new to After Silence. I thought it might help me to have somewhere to talk about what happened, and I'm grateful that there is such a place.
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