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rainwoman21

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    Female

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    Survivor

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  1. Last week I found out I was pregnant. I am very excited because I was told I'd never be able to have children due to the abuse...but terrified as well because I am so triggered by doctors!!!

  2. Thank you so much for your kind words! I had a good feeling I was pregnant, but so far the test came back negative. Though I have little faith that I'll ever have a child, that small shred of faith is still there. I can only hope that one day I'm given the chance to be a mother.
  3. rainwoman21

    Seven

    Revenge: something that I love. I wish I didn't have such a vengeful nature, I really do. It's something that I struggle with; something I've always struggled with. When someone hurts me, I have such an overpowering desire to hurt them seven times greater than they hurt me. Just like in the Bible: Avenged Sevenfold. It's ironic that seven is my unlucky number. Everyone tells me, no, Seven is the number of God! Seven is supposed to be lucky! I respond back, "Often the worst things come disguised as the best." Seven is the number of men who raped me. Seven is the number of ul
  4. Lalachant, I do not find you judgmental at all! I did the exact same thing. I can tell if a guy is worthy of dating by his reaction....if he can 'handle it' or not. Sad to say, but I think it makes us better judges of character. When a guy brushes it off as if it were nothing, I refuse to date them as well. So I completely understand where you're coming from. I did the cowardly thing and lost a bunch of weight so that men would find me unattractive and it worked. However, there were still a small few who were interested, but they were typically jerks. That's the kind of man I attract,
  5. Lalachant, I am so sorry that you had to experience this...our stories, unfortunately, have many similarities. I know how you feel about the word 'rape...' I've only now gotten to the point where I can say it sometimes, and it still sometimes bothers me. That is incredible that you got your Master's Degree despite everything you went through! And I do not think you are stupid at all for letting your rapist back in...they are con artists; predators. They have ways of tricking us that we don't even think of because we do not have a predatory nature like they do. There was no 'lesson' for yo
  6. The most painful thing resulting from the sexual abuse was the fact that a doctor told me I probably would never be able to have children, and if I did ever get pregnant, I probably would not be able to carry the child to term. She gave me a reason why, but I cannot remember. I was so destroyed emotionally at the time that I blacked it out. My main abuser also gave me precancerous cells, but thanks to Gardasil, they are all gone now. Before the doctor even knew about the abuse, she shoved the results in my face disapprovingly. "Look at this. Because of this, you might not be ab
  7. Oh my goodness...thank you so much for posting this!!! I am the same way. I'm terrified to spend time with friends...even safe ones that I know will not hurt me. I'll go to see them and make an excuse to leave early out of fear. I cut most of my friends out of my life simply because I was too afraid to have them! I wish I had advice to give, as I am still dealing with this myself. I don't want to go on medication either because I feel like it is nothing more than a Bandaid over a wound that requires open surgery, metaphorically. What helps me with my anxiety, rage, and other emotions
  8. Ashley, I just wanted to let you know that you are very strong, even though you don't feel like it right now. The fact that you are on here sharing, letting out some of those painful emotions, shows what strength you have. And you do have every right to call yourself a survivor!!! I am so proud that you have made it five years since the abuse. That alone gives me hope...I have only made it 3 years and it is so hard some days and I feel like I'll never make it through. I just wanted to let you know that I understand what you are going through, and how none of your emotions seem to make sen
  9. I am so glad I was able to help you, sweetie. If my pain can give just one person hope, then it was worth experiencing. I am so sorry to hear that you feel the same rage....it's horrible, I know! I understand the fear all too well...after the abuse, I would skip class a lot simply because I was too terrified to leave my apartment. I am so happy to hear that you are still in college, though! That alone shows your strength....I have unfortunately met many girls who have had to drop out because the stress of dealing with the abuse and their studies was too much for them. I, too, had such pro
  10. The one bright spot in my life is my boyfriend, "Michael." I am very, very blessed to have him. He knows about the abuse-has known since my first date with him, and accepts me for it. We met on an online dating site. Both of us had been so badly burned in past relationships that we had only signed up for online dating as a shot in the dark. Both of us had dreamed all our lives of having a family and having children, but it seemed like we were the only ones living without either. I will be turning 23 in 2 days and since the sexual abuse at 19, I have slowly been watching every single girl
  11. Those who have never been through sexual abuse cannot comprehend how incredibly agonizing it is. I am often jealous of them...so blissfully unaware of the soul crushing pain that consumes survivors. Lately I have been consumed with not only pain, but rage as well. Pure, unadulterated rage. It frightens me. At my job, they placed me over in the Babies section of the store (I work overnight at a retail chain stocking product until I can find a job within my field. I graduated college in December 2012 with a degree in Criminal Justice simply to stick it to my abusers). I was told that d
  12. Here's a tip that might help people who don't know about it. If you live with other people or share a computer, the best way to hide it is to use Private Browsing. That means that the browser does not save any history, so nobody can see the pages you've been looking at. I use Firefox and Internet Explorer, and all you have to do is click the tab at the top left of the page and you will see an option that says "Start InPrivate Browsing." You can also do this if you right click on the shortcuts for Internet Explorer and Firefox. The option should still be there. This has been a real lifesa
  13. Tiang, these are wonderful questions! I, too, have been wondering the same things. It scares me a lot when I see that someone joins AS with bad intentions, and I would really like to know what I can do to prevent this from happening as well. There are so many people in the outside world who are scary, so I think of this website as my "safe place." Thank you for asking these questions...I wanted to ask something similar, but didn't quite know how to word it
  14. You'll burn in hell someday. That's what I hope, at least....
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