Welcome to AS.
I can relate to your post all too well. I am 45 and I "crashed" after my dad was convicted of having inappopriate material on his computer - he is now a registered sex offender. He also molested me and my sister and several others as children.
I too held a high level management job for 19 years. I too was the one people wanted to be like. I always had a smile on my face, always cracking jokes, the real life of the party. All the while my insides were crying. I too felt death (by natural means) would be better than how I felt.
I have been laid off for 6 months and only now have a temp job (thank goodness I got a good severance package). I am only now beginning to look for a job - my anxiety level was too high before.
I too am on medication for depression and anxiety and will probably remain on them for a while.
I came to this site 6 months ago - I have posted my story, told my family of my abuse and confronted my father (who denied everything, but that is ok). I have found strength here and I feel like I am on my way back up. I ahve set boundries and limitations with my family.
It does get better. Truely it does. What may seem hopeless today may not be tomorrow.
You have a wonderful family, you are smart, you have survived.
You said that you could have said "no" - you were a child, he your father. You did not know how to say no. You may have thought it but the dymanics of the relationship did not let you say that word. I wanted to say no as well, but I could not. Does that make you to blame ? Absolutely NOT. Your father is to blame, not you in any shape or form, you were a child, he the adult. That is a powerful relationship - you could not have said no. A child would not have said no. He, and your older cousin, took advantage in the worst way of that relationship between a father / adult and child.
My advice: Take one day at a time, one minute at a time if you have to. Know that you are worthwhile. (I say this to myself everyday:" I grow in peace, security and serenity every minute, every hour, every day").
Know that you have taken the first step, a brave step, by posting here. It takes time but it does get better.
Feel free to PM me anytime.
I am here to support you.