My story is long.. starts at a young age when my uncle molested me and my sister, made us do things together and to him. It wasn't uncommon for my mother to find us watching porn as toddlers/children. As of recently, however, I have been realizing that my father was involved which is complicated because we have a close unhealthy relationship-- he makes sexual advances to me, his CSA of me/my sister is probably a result of his mother doing the same thing... but anyways I am trying to learn what is appropriate behavior and what is sexual because I don't always know the difference... especially with him. My now ex bf told me it made him feel uncomfortable when my father put me on his lap and petted me... mind you I am 22 years old not a child anymore.
Then when I was 16 I was riding my bike home from hanging out with my friends and bf... slightly tipsy but not drunk. I was riding by a cemetery and I saw a group of guys ahead. I kind of swerved to miss them, but they formed a group around me and took me screaming and kicking from my bike. There was probably eight to ten of them. They dragged me into the cemetery and put a knife to my throat...a big hunting knife (I think). that shut me up. The spit on me, raped me, vaginally anally orally took turns with me, basically had their fun with me. I remember the cold concrete of the gravestone on my face with one behind me. WHen I think about it now it seems like a dream because I still can't believe it happened to me. SOmetimes I think I wanted it, I know that's not true, it's not my fault blah blah.. but it seems like an impossible feeling not to have. I remember getting so mad at my uncle/father for stealing away my childhood innocence, my light and then this happened just two years after we remembered about the CSA. I went home and called my bf, didn't tell him the whole story, begged him not to tell my parents. He did, a cop came over, I lied about it, saying they only made me do oral. They never followed up or ever tried to solve anything. I have never heard 6 years later about it. That makes me feel so very small and unimportant. That is the toughie for me-- I have dealt with my CSA a lot more and have "come to terms" if you can ever come to terms with it-- but being violently raped by a group has put a wound on my soul that I haven't healed yet. I just told my T about it two weeks ago, but we haven't gotten into details or worked on it yet. It is hard just admitting it happened, let alone actually talk about it and deal with it.
A couple weeks ago I got drunk( just broke up with bf... another long story... got me pregnant then abandoned me) and I remember telling this guy no and that I wasn't ready to have sex, but I remember having sex and freaking out. I called my ex bf that night super late, he called me the next day (we had only been broken up a few days) and I told him what had happened. He totally freaked out on me, said why didn't I stop him, why didn't I scream, and told me to never call him again. Glad I told someone who cares, right???? That was a few weeks ago, changed my number haven't talked to him since. He knew about my past, my father/uncle, and the gang rape and he asked why I was always getting myself into those situations which I didn't have an answer for. I don't know why what has happened to me happen, but it has so now there's nothing left to do but deal with it. I hate that as survivors we have to bear to burden of the aftermath... my problems stem from childhood because the person that was supposed to show me love violated that love, manipulated it for their benefit, used it against me to brainwash me in thinking it was okay. I still don't know how to interact with him in a non sexual way which is very disturbing to me because I feel like a sick f*ck who wants to turn her father on. I think people have the right to touch me and sleep with me, that I have no right over my body. Oh you want to have sex, okay, even if I don't want to. I use sex as a connection with people, an emotional connection. Sad to admit all this, but it is true and it is my story.
When I start feeling down about myself, missing my ex, I remember all that I have been through to this point and that I am still here, a strong woman. My T was very surprised at how well I was functioning... taking care of myself, not drinking/using, working full time ext.... when I look back now, not sure if this sounds sick but I wouldn't take back any of it because it is who I am today and made me stronger, and able to help people by understanding. I hope my story helps you, it is just a piece of the pie.