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MzKeys75

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Status Replies posted by MzKeys75

  1. Doing better with anxiety over my dad's terminal cancer. Going home to see him in 11 days. If you need me, I am here. You can always PM. I will always want to talk with you and support you. I love my AS family :throb:

    1. MzKeys75

      MzKeys75

      I’m glad you are doing better with this. All the :throb:s!

    2. (See 5 other replies to this status update)

  2. Thursday and Friday (the anniversary dates) are bearing down on me. My beloved little foster dog was adopted Sunday and although I have another, it always breaks my heart to let one go. I also got some news about my dad. He has terminal pancreatic cancer that spread to his lungs, which is the main issue. He has survived way longer than predicted, but now his lungs are giving out on him. He can barely breathe. Even with treatments, he says he feels like someone is standing on his chest. Work is overwhelming, holiday travel is too, and so much more. I am just feeling overwhelmed and EXHAUSTED. My body just flat wants to give up. I have no energy and I yawn all day and fight sleep. I just want to go to bed but I can't. I have deadlines to meet and no one else to do the work. Praying that the weekend comes soon and brings relief. Saturday I am going to the local shelter to take pictures of the dogs there for adoption to post and hopefully get them exposure so they will find homes. I know I will enjoy that. Thanksgiving week will be good, I hope. For the first time, the anniversaries are not near it, since Thanksgiving is later this year. I hope that means I can move on and feel better. 

    1. MzKeys75

      MzKeys75

      Yuck, yuck, yuck. I'm sitting with you. Hugging you in my thoughts. This is a lot on top of too much, and it's no wonder you've hit the point of total exhaustion. I hope the next two days fly by in the blur of busy, so at least there is a silver lining in the deadlines. :hug:

    2. (See 11 other replies to this status update)

  3. I’m sorry for being MIA lately. With the anniversary dates, falling on thanksgiving day no less, and the appeal possibly expiring or moving forward at the same time, I haven’t been much good to anyone, even myself. I just want you all to know how special you are to me and that I’m comitted and grateful for AS. 

  4. Appeal deadline is supposedly the 17th, which is a weekend so I guess it is the 19th. Five more days. Nothing has been done in a year. A year ago today, the court reporter finished compiling the transcript for the defense. They picked it up on 12/6/17 and that was it. I am afraid they will blindside me again like they did continually during the course of the hearings and fight to get to trial. I hope and pray it comes and goes without incident and that this will be truly over. I am going to email the prosecutor on 11/19 and ask if it is over. 

    1. MzKeys75

      MzKeys75

      Hoping everything is blissfully uneventful! Please update when you can. I’m thinking of and praying for you. 💗

    2. (See 12 other replies to this status update)

  5. Appeal deadline is supposedly the 17th, which is a weekend so I guess it is the 19th. Five more days. Nothing has been done in a year. A year ago today, the court reporter finished compiling the transcript for the defense. They picked it up on 12/6/17 and that was it. I am afraid they will blindside me again like they did continually during the course of the hearings and fight to get to trial. I hope and pray it comes and goes without incident and that this will be truly over. I am going to email the prosecutor on 11/19 and ask if it is over. 

    1. MzKeys75

      MzKeys75

      I hadn’t even thought about this reality of it. I’m so sorry. Praying and keeping you in my thoughts.

    2. (See 12 other replies to this status update)

  6. Kavanaugh this, Kavanaugh that. I am so tired. I feel horrible, just like I did when Trump was elected. This has really, really affected me, like it has a lot of survivors. I wasn't really expecting that. People around me support him. I think some are so blind to politics that they can't even consider that Dr. Ford is telling the truth. I am frustrated, sad, nauseated, discouraged, angry, and isolated. I was in the grocery store after work yesterday and I felt myself losing control over the littlest things. I went home and tried to do some self-care. I am trying to stay away from it today but that is not easy. 

    1. MzKeys75

      MzKeys75

      I’m sorry this is affecting you, too. My pastor (who is my T) hosted an open house . . . er, church . . . for anyone who wanted to drop by on Thursday. A few of us took her up on it. It has been a hellacious week. I’m not usually a violent person, but I really want to rip his face off. Keeping all affected in my heart and prayers. This is indescribably hard.

    2. (See 11 other replies to this status update)

  7. I hate the dreams where I have to fight but have forgotten martial arts ><

    1. MzKeys75

      MzKeys75

      Or need to run, but can only walk slow motion.  So frustrating.

    2. (See 1 other reply to this status update)

  8. I don't talk much about health but found out I have cancer round 2.   I'm going to throw a shindig just cuz I can.  I'm going to grab me a shake since I'm out and about.  Leave me a positive comment.  Looking to celebrate something good with you.  Your good news is encouraging to me.  Ready? Set? Post! 

    1. MzKeys75

      MzKeys75

      Sending prayers and positive thoughts your way!  

      My good news is that I'm pregnant. 😊

    2. (See 22 other replies to this status update)

  9. This morning on the way to work I couldn't stop seeing him raping me. I gagged and nearly vomited all over myself while driving. I couldn't stop gagging. I really thought I wouldn't be able to hold it back, but I did. I got to work and almost couldn't get out of the car. I was in no shape to be around people. But I shoved it down, ate a peppermint, and go to work. Then I got a text saying my T has to cancel today, see you next week. She did the same thing the week before last. I know she is dealing with a lot but I needed her and I feel rejected and abandoned. I just want to cry. 

    1. MzKeys75

      MzKeys75

      I know it feels like he "took you," but try really hard not to give him that much validation/power.  You are infinitely more than what he did to you.

      I'm sure it doesn't feel like it now, but this process WILL end!  And when it does, it won't be rubbed in your face every day.  It will always be there, but you will be able to get some distance from it.  I'm sorry today is such a difficult one.  Keeping you in my prayers.

    2. (See 7 other replies to this status update)

  10. This morning on the way to work I couldn't stop seeing him raping me. I gagged and nearly vomited all over myself while driving. I couldn't stop gagging. I really thought I wouldn't be able to hold it back, but I did. I got to work and almost couldn't get out of the car. I was in no shape to be around people. But I shoved it down, ate a peppermint, and go to work. Then I got a text saying my T has to cancel today, see you next week. She did the same thing the week before last. I know she is dealing with a lot but I needed her and I feel rejected and abandoned. I just want to cry. 

    1. MzKeys75

      MzKeys75

      Oh, no!  I'm so sorry. 😢 That totally sucks.  Is there anyone else you could even just hang out with for a distraction?  I hope so.  Hugs to you!

    2. (See 7 other replies to this status update)

  11. I feel stifled. I feel silenced. The only one who has rights is the man who caused all of my pain. 

    I feel like I am too much and should not seek support or talk about the drama that is my life anymore. I feel like it's old news to everyone around me. I feel like everyone is tired of it all. I am tired of it all. But unlike everyone else, I do not have the luxury of escape. 

  12. Does anyone else feel like even laying in bed and doing nothing is too much work? Existing is too much work sometimes.

  13. My stomach is a mess. My mind is a mess. My heart is DEFINITELY a mess. What does that make me? A mess. I want to be normal again...if I ever was...

    1. MzKeys75

      MzKeys75

      Our stomachs must be synced up tonight.  I am feeling a mess, too!  My T told me to watch a Disney movie or something!  Which is partly funny, but partly not.  Doesn't normal sound like "The Dream"?!  Truly, we are not messes, but we were messed with by people who deserve to be locked up for the rest of their lives.  It's a Sprite and sorbet kind of night!

    2. (See 8 other replies to this status update)

  14. I tried to find the thread that we talked about PTSD on but I couldn't so I'm just going to post what I recently found here because I thought it was interesting.

    image.jpg

    1. MzKeys75

      MzKeys75

      Wow.  This is very interesting.  Thanks for posting it.

    2. (See 2 other replies to this status update)

  15. My anxiety has turned into this dreadful worry that people are thinking the worst of me.  Maybe that's social anxiety?  I'm not sure, but whatever it is, it is insanely annoying.

  16. My anxiety has turned into this dreadful worry that people are thinking the worst of me.  Maybe that's social anxiety?  I'm not sure, but whatever it is, it is insanely annoying.

    1. MzKeys75

      MzKeys75

      @wishinuponastar, thanks for making sure "strong" made it back into a conversation. 😜 Lol!  All kidding aside, I appreciate your support so much!

      @Iheartcupcakes, I don't like it at all.  Mostly, my brain seems bent on convincing me that my Dr./N.P. and my T can't possibly want to see or hear anything more from me.

    2. (See 6 other replies to this status update)

  17. I didn't think it was possible for my heart to break any further...I was wrong. I have cried all weekend over what I found out that is in my post about the wife's statement. I am even more shattered than I was before...but at least I have some answers now. 

  18. I don't like this me. I don't like this emotional, scared, weak, doubting, slip of the woman I used to be. I do not like this me. I do not like who my rapist caused me to become. 

  19. I don't like this me. I don't like this emotional, scared, weak, doubting, slip of the woman I used to be. I do not like this me. I do not like who my rapist caused me to become. 

    1. MzKeys75

      MzKeys75

      This you is temporary.  You are adjusting to things every day, and you will be finding yourself in new ways.  Your rapist has caused you to react differently, but that, too, will calm and change as you learn to take back your emotions . . . your fear . . . your confidence . . . your power.  But no matter what else you are or will be . . . you, my dear, are most certainly NOT weak!!  You are breath-takingly strong!

      "Even fighting dragons is not without its moments of terror, but that doesn't take away from the fact that you are a badass for fighting that dragon!"

    2. (See 2 other replies to this status update)

  20. Nightmares, and woke up in tears this morning. Another day of running on no sleep I guess. I stupidly looked him up on Facebook, and made things worse. What is wrong with me? When will I stop doing this to myself? 

    1. MzKeys75

      MzKeys75

      I'm so sorry. 😔 I hope your day got better!

    2. (See 4 other replies to this status update)

  21. This trial is going to test everything I am made of. It is going to take everything I am made of just to survive it...

    1. MzKeys75

      MzKeys75

      (((Hugs)))  I am so sorry this is so difficult. 😢

    2. (See 3 other replies to this status update)

  22. I am scared. I am afraid of what will happen tomorrow at the DA's office.

    I am confused. Is my rapist a monster or just insane?

    I am hurting. Either way...the damage is done....

    1. MzKeys75

      MzKeys75

      Can you plan something with someone safe afterward, please?  I would feel much better for you if I know you won't be alone when the aftershocks hit.  

      I am scared with you, because it is okay to be scared, but also sending you all the courageous thoughts I can muster, because we can be scared and courageous at the same time.

      He is a monster, and I am so sorry for all the things you're going to see to prove it.  I just want to shield your eyes from it.  Try not to dwell on anything longer than necessary, okay?

      I know you're hurting, and I'm so sorry!  This kind of pain is the worst, and you don't deserve to have to feel it.  I just wish I could help.  :bighug:

    2. (See 8 other replies to this status update)

  23. I wish I didn't feel so unsafe. 😔

    1. MzKeys75

      MzKeys75

      Thank you, fallenstar.  I wish unsafe and scared were not part of our set of emotions/feelings.  Hugs to you, too.

    2. (See 7 other replies to this status update)

  24. I wish I didn't feel so unsafe. 😔

  25. I wish I didn't feel so unsafe. 😔

    1. MzKeys75

      MzKeys75

      Both.  Orlando is weighing heavily on my mind.

    2. (See 7 other replies to this status update)

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