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  1. I can join the list - I've actually been beating myself up, kind of scolding myself, for what felt like an obsession coming over me to read stories in this website and keep reliving the shock and strange mix of emotions and I felt that night. I've also tried to really remember physical sensations - what I felt - but it's so hard. As it was happening I was disconnecting from myself, telling myself that whatever was happening would be over soon, I could get home, and never have to think about it again or admit anything happened. I didn't even know what was happening. But because of that initial denial I felt, and all the self-blame, it's like I have to make myself re-live it, trigger the fear that was beneath my shock, in order to convince myself that it happened the way I described it to other people, the police, my university, and mostly, myself. I remember feeling like I just needed to throw up, and I have tried to recreate that feeling too - that initial disgust. I am glad that I'm not completely sick - doing this has someway made me think that I just want to make myself suffer and that I am a drama queen or something. I've gone through such a whirlwind of confusion since this happened...it's starting to feel far away, the triggering myself to that degree has lessened, but I worry that it will come back, especially since I still need to do a hearing with the university which will confront this person, although I will be able to do this over the phone. In any case, I hope that it is true that doing this actually will help me heal in the long run. Nice to read the other responses.
  2. Hello - it took me a couple weeks to get the courage to join After Silence and post something. Glad I'm here! Thanks for all of the support I can see goes on here. Resi
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