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Posts posted by rox

  1. i feel the most invalidating thing is people trying to hug you when theyv just been invalidating or insenstive or cruel. i feel so bad when peolple try and invade my space and be so over personal when clearly the last thing i want is them anywhere near me. i hate it just as much when people do that online also, it feels like touching, like a violation of personal space and it makes me feel sick. its so dismissive and shows that they clearly havnt heard me or have any genuine regard for me and my right to space

  2. love this thread!!!!!!!

    i totally agree empathy is whats needed, but not everyone has it in them to offer empathy to everyone, and when they throw sympathy your way it just feels false and useless. supposedly caring for your plight when they actually dont even have the capacity to get it is really diminishing it and that hurts, and it feels intrusive, like touching without trust. heard this recently from a teen i used to work with talking about s/h and how people see scars and say oh poor you are you ok and how intrusive that feels, how invalidating. the hurt that others jsut dont get it is imense. if you dont get it jst give space because tactless words hurt worse than silence.

  3. i do that too

    all the time sometimes

    i watch suv criminal minds wire in the blood etc also, read torey haydens and similar books etc, horror films, books about serial killers, heaps and heaps of research on csa.

    partly because these things are my normal, and too me doing these things is a normalising behaviour. when my adhd gets out of control, and the dissociation kicks in and ptsd is uncopable with the things that bring me back down, that settle me, that balance me and ground me are these triggery things.

    i have spent most of my life only remembering parts of memories. the reality of my abuse is in a way permenantly hidden, imersing myself in these things is like facing my reality in a way my brain will allow me too safely. these are my truth, and sadly i feel more like myself when triggered by these things.

    i think also, part of it for me is i hate blindness terribley. i am so enraged at the blindness that surronds csa (especially the utter lack of recognition of ra and mdsa, both of which i went through) i am so so so angry that the blindness of the world allowed my abusers to steel my life and ruin me, hide so much of my life in shame and darkness, that i utterly refuse to be yet another ignorant person. so compulsively i read and learn all i can. i duno what good it actually does me, but i feel driven because i dont want the shame of being another blind person looking the other way because its easier, because they can not bear the reality. i wanna make them see too, i wanna smash heads of walls until people open their eyes, but i feel so small and powerless and insignificant in comparrison to this wave of not seeing that all i feel i can do is maintain my own hyper awareness.

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