i do that too
all the time sometimes
i watch suv criminal minds wire in the blood etc also, read torey haydens and similar books etc, horror films, books about serial killers, heaps and heaps of research on csa.
partly because these things are my normal, and too me doing these things is a normalising behaviour. when my adhd gets out of control, and the dissociation kicks in and ptsd is uncopable with the things that bring me back down, that settle me, that balance me and ground me are these triggery things.
i have spent most of my life only remembering parts of memories. the reality of my abuse is in a way permenantly hidden, imersing myself in these things is like facing my reality in a way my brain will allow me too safely. these are my truth, and sadly i feel more like myself when triggered by these things.
i think also, part of it for me is i hate blindness terribley. i am so enraged at the blindness that surronds csa (especially the utter lack of recognition of ra and mdsa, both of which i went through) i am so so so angry that the blindness of the world allowed my abusers to steel my life and ruin me, hide so much of my life in shame and darkness, that i utterly refuse to be yet another ignorant person. so compulsively i read and learn all i can. i duno what good it actually does me, but i feel driven because i dont want the shame of being another blind person looking the other way because its easier, because they can not bear the reality. i wanna make them see too, i wanna smash heads of walls until people open their eyes, but i feel so small and powerless and insignificant in comparrison to this wave of not seeing that all i feel i can do is maintain my own hyper awareness.