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Everything posted by samantha2009

  1. samantha2009

    I fear...

    Goldie- you are not fragile my friend. It is about that time when we start to realize things for what they were and feel traumatized again. Being numb to the repeated abuse is the way we survived. Now that we are safe from that treatment, we can’t help but see how things were so out of hand with the abuse. It is normal that we collapse every once in a while- we survived horrible things. I am sorry you are feeling this way. Sitting with you always 🌻
  2. I am heartbroken you are feeling haunted also 💔 please know I am always here for you also when you need someone to talk to friend 🌻
  3. Thank you Kim. I hope you can feel and know that you are blameless also friend we just need to remind each other I guess because our own minds won’t allow us to believe it yet 🌻
  4. @Enigma87 gosh I am so sorry these things happened to you When I think about them now a chill comes over me and I can’t sit still. I can still feel the touching. I almost feel like I’m back in those moments all over again its making me nauseated and not able to eat much. even when things were getting obviously sexual I was trying to tell myself it wasn’t really what I thought or it wouldn’t happen again. Anything to be able to stay sane through it all. I have so many memories coming back to me. So many small details of interactions and every one of them I now see in a new light and it’s just so overwhelming! I am also angry nobody seemed to notice. Or If they did nobody cared I seriously find myself zoning out and when I come to I realIze I was in the moments of those memories with him and it almost feels like it just happened again. The body sensations are there even though he isn’t. He’s haunting me! 🤢 sam🌻
  5. @Houston Kim thank you for your validation. It’s pretty messed up to be honest- we all let the victim blaming culture alter how we view the situations we experienced. Even if it is blatantly rape/ assault/ abuse I think the idea of telling our stories we feel the need to almost be defense attorneys questioning our own credibility in all of this. I don’t think that’s very fair. And I’m mad it’s the way things are. It shouldn’t be like this. I don’t want to think these ways. I would never discredit anyone else and it’s maddening we are so quick to do this to ourselves. sam🌻
  6. @Celia thank you i think I remain hard on myself because idk how else to be. Although a piece of me is genuinely surprised you don’t think I am stupid or foolish or ignorant- something. I just wish I could know why or why me. I obsess with finding answers and since I can’t ask him I guess my default is to go to the memories and I cringe thinking about the things that happened before I knew what he was capable of it’s numbing! thank you for sitting with me and the safe hugs- safe hugs back to you sam🖤🌻
  7. 🤢 These situations are the first ones I can remember where my personal space began being invaded. Before the actual sexual touching these things stand out as I guess what I would consider "grooming" even though I never considered myself "groomed" by him because he was never really nice to me, he just intimidated me. I had asked a question one time close to the end of class but he ended up fucking around until the bell went off. After class I just stayed in my assigned seat- he went to do something on the other side of the room and everyone was clearing out. He came over to stand by me and there was one more person in class about to leave. By time he was answering me I had noticed we were alone. He sat down beside me and looked me in my eyes and he said “I think we’re alone now” and I laughed because I’m so, so stupid. We discussed whatever I was asking about. I was trying to rush it along assuming students would walk in any second. He said he didn't have a class next period. He made a sighing sound and then he put his hand on my leg and moved it closer to my v* than to my knee and he lightly squeezed. I tensed and he took his hand off my leg. He said “I shouldn’t have done that” and then I said I was sorry for some reason and awkwardly left after that, not really taking it serious. Because I was so oblivious!! He had commented on my eyes and I remember him looking into my eyes, closer than I imagined he would ever be and he just ended the conversation kind of dorky saying “I’ve never seen eyes that color before, very pretty” so he would sometimes call me "blue eyes" and it made me feel awkward but when I mentioned this to my best friend at the time, she made it seem like it wasn't a big deal so I thought I must have been overreacting or something. “Hey blue eyes, I need your help” he wanted me to write these papers out to students- basically I had to print their full names on these papers in the order he had them listed on a paper. He had me sit down at his writing desk and when he handed me the papers he stood over me talking to me about what I was supposed to do. I was listening intently and then the next thing I remember he was leaning against/ sitting on the desk facing me and he reached his right hand down and put his hand on my thigh in between my legs. He started moving his fingers up, making them climb up my thigh and then he started touching my thigh a little harder, one finger after the other. I squirmed and thought he was tickling me or something for some reason but it felt weird because no one ever did anything like that before. I thought it was personal space for a second but then I quickly told myself there is no way he meant anything by it really. It had to have been something I misunderstood. And he took his hand away. It had to have been less than a min that this went on. I saw someone walking toward the room and I think I must have jerked away or something because he got the point and pulled his hand away from me quickly. He stayed leaning against the desk though and then made it look like he was bending over and working on his filing cabinet and desk drawers. Then, this last thing happened right before he took me home from school and things officially got physical I was helping him and other students set up his room for a class active project we were planning to do, re-enacting trench warfare. I was on my hands and knees moving cords with like two other students when he grabbed me from behind. He grabbed me really hard and his fingers touched my v*, I don't know why this is hard for me to write. I remember thinking maybe it was an accident he grabbed me so much. I remember feeling violated though because his fingers moved on me. I jerked my body away completely out of instinct. But I thought “that had to be an accident”. I waited a few seconds to look at him for some reason I didn’t want to look at him right away. By time I looked at him he was doing something facing away from me so I didn’t get to see what his face would have told me. I was so confused after this and I guess waiting for the next thing to happen to see if I was right about the vibes he was giving me. I had entirely convinced myself though that these things weren't as serious as I thought, had to be an accident or something. HAD to be. I’m feeling very stupid lately looking back and seeing how things escalated and I kept trying to make it not be a thing because I didn’t want to deal with any of it. I didn’t want to have to tell my mom. I just wanted it to stop. I tried to get it to just stop. I’m trying to be nicer to myself but I still come back to the feeling of being not worthy or somehow responsible since I feel like I kept going around him even after my gut instinct was telling me something wasn’t right. You probably think I am stupid too and that’s ok because I already know sam 🌻
  8. not worthy

    1. Show previous comments  3 more
    2. Enigma87


      Sitting with you too and sending safe hugs Sam :hug:❤️ You are worthy

    3. samantha2009


      Thankyou :( 

    4. 8888


      I'm sorry to hear you are feeling this way.  You are worthy, please don't let anyone tell you otherwise.  Sitting with you and :hug:if okay.  

  9. I didn’t think you overshared or anything but I am glad to see you are using blogging as a way to let out the memories that are coming back. Sitting with you Mango 🌻
  10. Gosh Celia, thank you for saying these things 😢 I have been feeling very depressed lately and reading these responses has made me feel a bit uplifted. Thank you for sitting with me 🌻
  11. Thank you for taking time to read my story I am so sorry you can relate. I am short on words at the moment but I really wanted to acknowledge That you said very heartwarming things to me and I really appreciate it all at this time especially. I appreciate you 🌻
  12. @mango_star1 please don’t be embarrassed. I really want to reply to your comment when I am in a better headspace. I really appreciate you taking the time to respond to my story. It was very hard to write and it’s even harder to keep up. also- I love Mac Miller 😢
  13. i’ll make it heaven even if the gods don’t want me in 

    1. Show previous comments  1 more
    2. samantha2009



    3. Selma


      If ok I’m sitting with you. 

    4. samantha2009


      @Selma thank you 🌻

  14. @mango_star1 thank you for reading my story and thank you very much for all the kind, reassuring things you said to me This. You saying this has made me feel so many things. I feel seen. I feel grief for myself. I feel “nice” that someone would want to help me from that harm. I wished for this during that attack. I wished someone would want to hold him accountable. I wished someone would see him as wrong. I still long for people to see him for what he was/ is. I really appreciate you saying the shame is his. I keep trying to remind myself of that. also- not sure it matters but he was a history teacher. I may have made it confusing with the way I worded it with getting help after school with math- but I stupidly decided to get help from him also with a history project and he ended up assaulting me again. I have a hard time with not blaming myself for that second incident specifically i hope you are well also Mango 💜 sam🖤🌻
  15. i’m stuck here :( 

    1. Free2Fly


      Safe hugs :hug:If ok?

    2. samantha2009


      @Free2Fly thank you. Safe hugs back to you :hug:

    3. tuliptorn


      Stuck here too Sam 😪

  16. I will sit with you in the loneliness if ok? I know when I am affected by things around me, I also tend to take it very personally and wonder what is so wrong with ME? I can say because I am an extremely empathetic person, things bother me a little more and I internalize issues that may not have anything specifically to do with me. Leaving me feel burnt out and unworthy of basic human social interaction. You are worthy of companionship with your partner. My partner is currently in therapy so it makes it slightly a bit easier for him to be a little more sympathetic but he wasn’t always like this... I can imagine you are feeling so invisible and in pain have you tried to talk to your partner about how you are feeling? Let me tell you, sometimes our partners are absolutely clueless of the inner turmoil we feel even if we think it should seem fairly obvious to them. Communication is everything in a relationship. I notice when I speak more openly about things with my partner, things can be known and we can both Try to make more sense of them together. please take care of yourself and know you are worth love and affection and understanding. sending support to you! sam🖤🌻
  17. push it out, fake a smile 

    i need a drink 

    1. Houston


      I'm sorry you've been feeling this way :( Sitting with you.

  18. sitting with you if ok? You are not alone- I feel this way too much lately 💔 sending support to you sam🖤🌻
  19. @mango_star1 oh this is great to hear I am so glad you are feeling validated and supported! This is such a wonderful feeling in the healing journey. Good luck tomorrow with your phone call! Sending you tons of support and still sitting with you! < hug if okay? sam🖤🌻
  20. @Houston Kim, thank you so much for your endless support 💜 hugs are always welcome thank you for reminding me where the shame is warranted- I struggle too much with blaming myself sam🖤🌻
  21. This specific incident was the second isolated, physical encounter I had with the person who sexually abused me. I was staying after for math help Because I really, really needed help with it...I decided to also ask him to help with the one thing I needed help with for a project in his class since it was the end of the semester project- not ever thinking he would try anything sexual IN school while there were other students and teachers around. When I went up to his class it was so nonchalant, I only had my notebook and I left everything else in the math classroom I was getting help in initially. I just didn't think anything could turn sexual THERE. I guess I still felt safe at school. I knocked on his class door because it was closed- I am not sure if he had to unlock it to let me in or not. But when he let me in, he locked the door behind him which I watched him do in what felt like slow motion. He said something about his expensive dj equipment and musical instruments he had in his room for the school band, but I still felt anxious anyways. My assigned seat was right in front of his computer desk which was also right in front of the door of the classroom. But my desk was covered in things. I tried to stand at his computer desk but he told me to go to the empty desk..I had to stand at the desk two rows behind, which made me close to the back of the classroom. He came over, stood behind me. We had already done the car thing however long ago...I am not sure on the exact time frame of everything. Maybe one day I will be able to piece together the time frames of these actual encounters for a better understanding of the timeline. But because we had done things before, as he was walking toward me I was thinking in that moment "he is going to touch me again". I think he thought me coming there was me wanting to do more with him. He took it upon himself to take this as another opportunity I guess. He was very, very close “did you come so we can finish what we started?” 😖 And I didn't respond before he grabbed my privates again the same way he had grabbed me before, and I realized it was intentional before and now. He touched me all over. The force of his hands made me lose my balance and I put my hands on the desk in front of me. I heard him take a deep breath in and then I heard his belt and he said if someone knocked on the locked door, I would have to hide and he pointed next to us (there was a spot with desks and there was cardboard where I could hide under the desk behind that cardboard... that’s what he wanted me to do) "Hide there if someone knocks" I never really wanted to admit this especially because it makes me feel used and dirty and embarrassed... He started saying things about oral sex. I was horrified-he kept joking, making me feel like I was making a big deal out of nothing “why are you looking at me like that? I ‘ate you out’ so it's your turn.” He was impatient. Next, I remember being closer to him and facing him and he told me it was “my turn” I was being “inconsiderate” and teasing him. I told him I didn’t know how, anything to try to get him to not press me to do it. But he told me he would teach me 🤢 So he did this part for a however long I told myself as I was doing it that I would never think about it/ do it again. I hated it. I still struggle with oral sex. I don’t really know how long he made me do it but it felt like forever. He showed me how he wanted me to do it so I did it the way he showed me so I could be done. I thought this was all he wanted and I dreaded him finishing. But he didn’t. Then he put his hands on my shoulders and I stood up like a stupid mindless zombie. Then he turned me around and started groping my body again. He undid my bra and felt my breasts and then he pulled my pants and underwear down really fast and forceful and it scared me. Then he reached around me and touched me for a few seconds and all of a sudden I felt him jab his fingers in me. He was saying things about my body part and about things I had no experience with. I didn't know what he was talking about! I heard his belt clinking as he was going in and out more forceful each time and it hurt. He was guiding himself to my body part. I knew it would hurt when I felt it against me almost going in and I said “no I am not ready!!” But it wasn’t very loud and I wish I would have screamed it!! He said vulgar things about me being ready.. I guess it was my fault, my body was responding) I started pulling my pants up, he tried pulling them back down and I started crying and I was embarrassed I was crying because nobody saw me cry. When I turned around, I had my eyes closed but when I opened them I saw he was backing away and pulling his pants up. So I pulled mine up all the way and I ran to the door, unlocked it and I ran to the bathroom with my bra still undone. I felt sick and gross. I felt dirty. I thought "how did I get myself into this". I actually felt stuck in this weird secret I didn't want any part of, something I didn't know how to get out of but trying to avoid him for now on. I don't know why I was still trying to rationalize things... I think I had to do that because if I admitted how fucked up this was, I think I would have had a mental break down. Maybe I should have I remember leaving my notebook in his classroom. I didn't want to go back..I was thankful I left everything else in the math classroom. I had to go to back there to get the rest of my things and I also needed to go to my locker before leaving. I ended up having to go to the office to get my locker combination. I forgot my fucking locker combination I was so rattled about what happened. I have recurring dreams of forgetting my locker combination. I always wore my winter coat in school after this so he couldn't touch me like he did on "accident" sometimes. Handing my notebook to me and grazing my breasts... I also remember instances after this when I had gym, he would come there to "excuse" me from class to "get help" or "help" the few times he did it before I started hiding in the bathroom during those periods to avoid him doing it anymore. I managed to avoid being alone with him those times he took me though. The times I avoided being alone with him when he took me from gym class was a time I went out of my way to socialize with another teacher and ask them for help with something. Another time I told him I had to use the bathroom and I tried to walk fast away from him as soon as we were passing the bathroom and I made it in there without him coming for me. Once I realized hiding in the bathroom was a place he never came after me, I felt safe in there. It became my safe haven as dumb as that is. I went to the bathroom a lot of the time I skipped classes. It was uncomfortable sitting in a bathroom stall for some of the periods, but I would just play games on my phone lol. Then my senior year I started helping a teacher grade English papers in the main school building during those empty classes I had with my abuser where he was the monitor with us-just to avoid him Ugh, he was making me uncomfortable during almost all of my college classes! Anyways-the teacher I helped grade papers for was Mr H and he made me feel safer for the most part. He knew who made me uncomfortable and vaguely why. So I guess I felt heard and validated with him. My high school boyfriend N knew him from having him in middle school and I guess we trusted him and we opened up to him about things. See N had those same college classes with me but he stopped coming to class a lot toward the last half of senior year but he half ass made sure I felt "safe" when he wasn't there since he knew some things about the teacher that harassed me at that point. Mr H was actually the teacher I had in the office with the principal as I told the school about the rape. I couldn't really look at anyone though so I couldn't tell you if they looked horrified or what. It is kind of a blur from the shock of it all I guess I feel foolish.
  22. samantha2009

    still mad

    @mango_star1 You are allowed to be mad. Sitting with you in the madness if ok? Also, Welcome to After Silence. Although something terrible has brought you to the site- I am glad you are here with us sending you support sam 🖤🌻
  23. @Sunflower198 Hello and welcome to After Silence. I am so sorry you recently realized these encounters were not consensual. You are not alone in this at all. I think as we get older we tend to realize a lot of things weren't how they seemed in the moments they were happening. I can relate to you myself with my own encounters! It was about 9 years after the fact that I realized these things for myself. Please know you are not at fault for knowing these things in those moments. The fact that you only realized this now doesn't take away from the horror of his actions or the validity of your pain and trauma. These are scary situations to navigate and there is no way to know what will happen to us in those moments- I know I tend to freeze up myself. You are not alone in this pain. What happened to you was wrong and I hope being here with other survivors and their companionship can help you realize that your reactions and new realizations are all very normal. Sending you support sam 🖤🌻
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