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marcyabadeer

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Blog Comments posted by marcyabadeer

    AlexAlex

    Posted

    I will sit with you in the loneliness if ok? I know when I am affected by things around me, I also tend to take it very personally and wonder what is so wrong with ME? I can say because I am an extremely empathetic person, things bother me a little more and I internalize issues that may not have anything specifically to do with me. Leaving me feel burnt out and unworthy of basic human social  interaction. 
     

    You are worthy of companionship with your partner. My partner is currently in therapy so it makes it slightly a bit easier for him to be a little more sympathetic but he wasn’t always like this... I can imagine you are feeling so invisible and in pain :( have you tried to talk to your partner about how you are feeling? Let me tell you, sometimes our partners are absolutely clueless of the inner turmoil we feel even if we think it should seem fairly obvious to them. Communication is everything in a relationship. I notice when I speak more openly about things with my partner, things can be known and we can both Try to make more sense of them together. 
     

    please take care of yourself and know you are worth love and affection and understanding. 
     

    sending support to you! 
     

    sam🖤🌻

    Alice24601

    Posted

    @Alice24601 your post is extremely relatable. Since this quarantine, I have been having invasive memories also. With that comes the natural dissociation for hours sometimes because my brain just doesn’t want me to go there :( you are not at all alone in this. 
     

    There are online therapies you can look into if getting back into that is something you would want to do in the future. I am not in therapy and not sure when I will be going back so please don’t think I am pushing you or anything, I was just suggesting if the memories become too much to handle alone :( 

     

    I will sit with you if alright?

     

    sam🖤

    Alice24601

    Posted

    @Alice24601 oh I am so sorry to hear the things that happened to you :( 

    something that stuck out to me about your entry was how you don’t know when exactly your memories left you. YES. I am confused right now by this myself with my own memories. It’s strange that there are memories that are repressed but weren’t repressed until a year or two after the actual acts themselves. I am glad you mentioned this because it is definitely confusing 

    thank you so much for sharing with us Alice. I hope you have a peaceful evening after getting some of this out. Sitting with you!

     

    sam🖤

    NiqBel03

    Posted

    @NiqBel03 I am so sorry for all the pain you are dealing with. Everything is definitely heightened during this pandemic and isolation.

    Also, welcome to After Silence. It is heartbreaking that you have a reason to be here, but we are so glad you found us. You are not alone in this.

    Thank you for reaching out here, that is a huge step :)

    sitting with you if okay?

     

    sam 🖤

    Shefloats

    Posted · Edited by samantha2009

    20 minutes ago, Shefloats said:

    I do have some songs that trigger me. I block them out so completely that when they aren’t playing I won’t remember their names, tunes and sometimes will forget they exist altogether. But then as soon as one comes on I will completely panic. Like FREAK out! I get so uneasy and sick. I feel like the world is ending. I’d rather jump out a moving car then listen to another second of it. And these were the songs that were popular when I was 3-7. (When I think the abuse happened) is that what you mean by triggers adding to your “rape box” or am I misunderstanding? Just to be clear I have no memories with the songs. 

    Oh I definitely understand  you there ! I believe we can be triggered by a lot of things around us without even realizing it, especially when our memories are buried. I am still recovering memories myself because of this very thing! When we bury things so deeply, there can be small things (songs, an object, a sound, a smell, etc) that can take us back to those memories without us entirely remembering them . And that can be a very scary thing to deal with. Have you tried writing out the sensations/ memories/ thoughts that come to you in those moments? I would suggest trying to do so if you think you can handle that? 
    I personally have and I’ve made some breakthroughs with memories I only had pieces to.

    take gentle care of yourself 

     

    sam🖤

    Shefloats

    Posted

    @Shefloats hello and welcome to after silence. You are NOT crazy. Our minds can be tricky. Burying things that are so traumatic that they come back in fragments at random times.
    Maybe something you heard, smelled, saw brought a fragment of a memory back to you in those moments that added to your “rape box”. I hope I’m making sense :( but this has happened to me. I am currently still adding to my own box in my mind... memories are flooding back to me. I just wanted you to know you aren’t alone. Our brains don’t just make traumatic scenarios out of nothing. Your pain is valid. You are valid. You matter.

    if you would like to chat or vent I am here for you 

     

    sam🖤

    JustSam

    Posted

    @JustSam Well now that it all has come back up... everyday multiple times a day it can have an emotional impact on me to the point of hindering my routine. Without me wanting to. There was a time where I did think of it everyday but I wouldn’t allow myself to feel anything because I numbed myself with various vices; but nowadays I am just going through the motions of it all and I feel like it’s on my mind a lot more than I would like. Seems like almost anything can remind me of something on my worst days.

    i am so sorry you are still feeling this even years later. It’s just something that stays with us :( 

    sitting with you and sending healing energy your way 💜

    sam

    Lonelygirl13

    Posted

    @Lonelygirl13 I understand you fully... it seems next to Impossible to get the support we need when we need it. And because we know how it feels to be in that spot, we are nice to people and always there for them. But in most cases, people are too damn selfish to grant that same respect. I don’t know why... maybe it is too difficult for them to not be consumed with just themselves. I don’t really know. If you need to vent or anything we are here for you :)

    sitting with you if okay?

    sam

    AllyHatter

    Posted

    @AllyHatter your father sounds like a very loving, strong man. We all have flaws. We all have ideals people don’t agree with. He was from a different time I am sure. His ideals seem very traditional and I see that a lot with older men. They just aren’t very open minded.

    I am so sorry you are feeling depressed /: You should not feel like a bad daughter though. Things happen to us that we cannot control. It makes me sad you believe you can’t open up to him honestly about so much... I wish people could see the blame lies on the person who committed the violation- not us who were hurt. It is not fair :( 

    I think it is such a beautiful memory you are making together when you guys go to the movies. That is so lovely. You will remember those times forever- I am so glad for you that you have those positive memories with him. 
     

    sitting with you if okay

    sam

    Capulet

    Posted

    @Capulet I’m sorry you’re dealing with all this stress while trying to study at the same time. You must be very overwhelmed, I couldn’t imagine. I can relate to the feeling of being isolated. I don’t really have any family or friends that care about what I do any time of year. It is very lonely sometimes. Mostly it’s just my kids, husband and I. But I can say I like that much better than how I feel after being around my mom or other family members. I also know what you mean when you say you feel guilty about interactions with your mom, even when she is in the wrong. My mom is a narcissist and even though she treats me like crap most of the time, whenever I stick up for myself, I end up feeling guilty. Sitting with you through your stress :hug:

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