teleah

Thank you for reading and your supportive responses, (((((field and DBNB))))), I was going to start a new blog but since these are very closely related am posting a letter to J, my safe stepfather and once romantic hero and still romantic hero for Nodak, the creative dreamy teenage part who fell for him at 15, here goes...... Dear J, today you told me about her, the woman you now love and lives with you, ouch. ow, dammit that hurt, hurt me to the core but mostly crushed Nodak's heart into pieces, Nodak is the girl who sat with you and listened to records with you in your room and hung on your

Dear Sister, You say you are proud of me how i have gotten over my past, ok really, dammit,TW... tell that to my leg that is bruised because I had a horrible flashback of my father pleasuring himself on the toliet while i took a bath, which caused me to have a dizzy attack and fall on my tubTW...., tell that to my neck that is swollen and hurt because i choked myself last night so hard just to shut up the loud littles that wanted to share their stories of horror and i just wanted to sleep, tell that to my eyes that cant seem to cry but want to all the time, tell that to my daughter who sees me

Thank you Bluesclues. we buried Hardy today, he has been my constant support for 18 years, he has purred me through depression, flashbacks, and he has made me smile when i did'nt think it was possible, not sure how TC and I can heal from this huge loss to me and to her, love teleah

Yesterday I did not eat much, my beloved cat Hardy passed the night before after a long few days of struggling to breathe, he passed eight months after my other beloved cat Laurel passed. I have no safe place to land anymore which caused TC to come out, let me see her in her frilly pink dress with black dress shoes, I could see her sitting on my bed with me and she was bawling, I tried to comfort her but she just wept then i tried to fall asleep, lied there as she told me about her bad grandpa, the times he TW....put his hand over her mouth reeking of gasoline because i was'nt finished and he

so sorry you can relate,i know how hard it is when you doubt your own story, one way i combat that is i check in with myself, if there is a tightness in my chest, a lump in my throat, i know what i remember is true and try to believe in my gut, my heart, my mind, sitting with you as you get through this doubt and new icky memory, sending safe hugs and thoughts of hope and healing, love teleah

Yesterday was father's day, first year I chose not to call him or send him a card, so i tried to enjoy the freedom of not feeling obligated to honor him which went well until night thats when i turned into the good girl, the girl who always made everyone happy, first after going to flea market with family and tense ice cream, i came home. made dinner, exhausted, then instead of resting i washed his shirt to make him happy, then watched tv and then i suggested alone time, despite it being the most triggering day of the year and lead him upstairs, where like a good girl I seduced him, scratched

My daughter graduated last week and I went, a few times I felt myself drift but I put a peppermint in my mouth and tried to not laugh out loud of the never ending ceremony, today it has been 30 years since I graduated. 30 years ago I was saying goodnight to my guests at my party then begging my ex to lie in bed with him just to feel safe after the horrible night before but he said no and went to bed, I stayed up and sneaked two beers just to sleep, that was 30 years ago and I am still broken, still sad my dad couldn't be proud of me, could not be just a father for two days, still angry I let h

About a month ago, I wrote a house list and everything got done, wrote a list for graduation just in case she graduated and she did, and now I feel done, I got everything I needed to get done so I can go, nothing unresolved, daughter happy, husband happy, house clean,I should be celebrating but the depression whispers, you can go now, they will be fine, you did all you could for them, you have nothing left, trying to not listen to this voice, turning the music up, but I still hear it, scared when soon the happy mask falls off, all anyone will see is the sad little girls inside me, all they wil

At ten, my dad had an affair with a coworker and I was the one who told her, because a little witch in class asked what an affair is, so i stupidly asked my mom and all hell broke loose and that night my dad threw my mom into a coffee table and for two days she forgot who I was so a few days later my dad moved out and I foolishly believed the violence was over, maybe I could finally be safe but then the fighting really began, my dad would come over and steal her stuff or break it as I hid in my room and waited for mom to come home to blow up at me for letting him in and threatened she would pu

Tonight it hit me that the night before graduation, I wanted pride too but this time I wanted him to be proud of me because I had my first job, I was passing classes without special ed for the first time in my life and I took him out to eat, I paid so he would be proud of me, I dressed up in an actual dress so he would proud of me and he still took me back to the hotel and made me show him i could finally swim and then he raped me, which for the first time I was present for because I was in shock, the only thing he could be proud for me was I pleasured him, because at 17, I was still his good

Since I first started this journey through my abuse, a question haunted me, until last weekend when after I was intimate with my husband, I was sitting on the bed fighting tears as I have done for a long time thinking of the question that never had an answer, how did he groom me, what did i get out of it, then i heard his voice, say that's my good girl and heard him moan and it hit me, finally the answer, he gave me pride he made me feel proud of pleasing him, being his good girl while my mom called me retard and pointed out i would never live up to my potential because i was a mistake from Go

Thank you all for the support, TC's dad did not fight for her and she is really sad,also she was reminded of her bad grandpa tonight so she is frightened and mourning, Nodak is mourning her J is dating someone, not her as she had dreamed about since 15, Theresa is mourning the loss of a mom, not the needy woman she took care of, after seeing a real mother and daughter fix dinner together and Theresa Lee is angry she does not belong anywhere and Teleah is exhausted holding all these emotions in and sees they broke her in pieces and wonders if anything will put me together again, I have no idea

Thank you ((((((dbnb and annie)))))), as a real parent does, I did what was best for her. so I decided to protect her and emailed her and my dad and said goodbye to him so she can be safe and grow knowing she is loved and taken care of, so know she is so sad, grieving him as if he passed, but to her little sad self, he is gone forever so i have to figure out how to comfort her and how to stay safe knowing i no longer have a dad and am now am orphan. teleah

Went back to therapy this Thursday, still in outpatient but had to see if i could get trauma therapy and found out I could, wish was good news maybe. Anyway most of the session was talking to TC, my youngest little, she is 3 or 4, she is so little, it hurts to look at her, she does not usually talk just cries but she talked this time,because I was willing to hear her or maybe she found her voice, I asked her what she needed from me and she said, she needed to be be believed, she needed to feel safe so i held her and stroked her hair and told her she no longer had to see her dad, i would protec

((((((Annie))))))). thank you for listening and hearing me, little teleah is so blessed to know little Annie and have her love and support, sending you love toys and orange soda, love teleah

TW..... Last Tuesday I had a doctor appointment and had an episode, i rocked in my chair and tried to not cry, I sat there just looking at the examining table, seeing little Theresa, me at age six and I am red down there and my dad is glaring at me and the doctor is telling me how to wipe and i am humiliated, we go home and dad tells my mom what the doctor said and she flies into a rage and makes me wipe in front of her and dad until i bleed, then makes me go to bed, the next morning she tells me if i want to be a retard i can go to an institution where people will crap their pants in front of

Thank you (((((((child)))))), Twice I have had nightmares about my mom, not used of her being the one who haunts me, today her words are loud because i am feeling so sad and exhausted, her calling me a victim is the word i am fighting today, teleah

Victim, was my moms favorite word for me, her greatest wish was for me to stop playing the victim in my life story, if i could just be a victor, i would drive, have a job, lose weight. get published if only i could see myself as a victor, she would be proud. Worthless was another favorite word for me, i was worthless because i never saw my potential. i was worthless because i did not drive, have a job, lose weight. Burden was another favorite word for me, my seizures were a burden to her, my clothes, my shoes, my soap, my braces, my schooling, all were a huge burden to her, These are the words

Thank you (((((DBNB)))))) Nodak is so sad over this loss, I am not used of her hurting, she is the poet in me, the romantic in me, but now she is shut down, thank you for sitting with me again, love teleah

Tenth Grade in high school was hell. I was Tw..... date raped in October, my crush got engaged while ,my mom got married and I never felt so alone in my fifteen years, I was overweight, scared and had sworn off boys after a painful breakup in my freshman year, I was alone while my mom and Jim went on a date, I looked in the bathroom and found my old seizure medication, not seeing things get better, I got a beer and went to my room, where my radio was on, and I was about to take the pills when the radio dj announced Wham's newest single "Everything She Wants", I was so excited I jumped up and t

TC got a card from dad today, it said he loved her, she was happy to get it, it proved he was not the monster, he is a good dad, he loves her, he loves me, so hard to let TC in, she loves this man with her whole young heart, not sure how to love someone who loves her monster, have no idea, so lost right now, teleah

(((my(mentalhealth))))), Thank you TC is my sad grieving little girl and she misses her mom, who passed last feb,she is the suicidal thoughts, the one that leads me to a very dark place, i want to embrace her but she scares me, she keeps sharing what she went through, what i went through, whew this is hard, thank you so much for your support and amazing response, love teleah

Thank you ((((((Mymentalhealth)))))),my husband has decided to work full time in Missouri, which has caused TC to come out been close to tears all last night and today, t says that is normal, it is her job to carry the sadness and right now it is too heavy for her to carry so i have to carry some too, This hurts so much, i want her to go away, i want to go away, sorry I met TC, sorry she was created, Teleah