teleah

Thank you for reading and for sitting with me much needed, thank you abhaya

I lost my half sister nine months ago and I am so lost in self hate, self blame, I have spent weeks sexting strange men to distract myself from my grief. My grief is for the loss of her, but she was it, my last blood. I grieve I wasted so much time, envious that she got the safe dad, so much time wasted lost in my pain of my past, I didn't get to love her in the present for the fragile flower my sister was not the entitled princess I had written her to be. I am so lost, lost in sexual addiction, lost in self harm, as my stepfather gets married this weekend. I am so lost, bpd finds me and says

I only told my mom about my babysitter, because she guessed because I was acting jumpy when she asked what we did together, so she got mad and demanded I tell the truth, so I did but looking back she was not upset he was abusing her 8 year old daughter but relieved, there was a reason for the tw....rashes, infections, tearing, and it was not my dad or so she convinced herself so she could continue to be a good mom. My heart breaks knowing little Teleah was not supported by her

This virus has caused a core subject of my abuse, shame and emotional abuse. Tw.....When I was seven our town was hit by a flood, our street was flooded and we had no water so we used a bucket for 3 or 4 days so I ended up sick, constipated, causing my mother to shame me in front of my dad and my older brother, which was my normal , then my friend Susie came over to ask me to play and my mom said not until I pooped in the bucket, I felt such deep shame, I still do, she installed that shame in me, I grew up ashamed of my body, of just being. I never told anyone but the reason I could not go in

(((((((Child)))))) thank you for reading and your support, sending support and hugs, love teleah

Everyone says not my fault she is gone but they do not have my mountain of evidence. Exhibit a, I let my mom gaslight that she was overemotional, flighty, not sick. Exhibit b, I believe I was entrusting her to a capable father, I assumed he had the capacity to help her, I let my fantasy that he was a Prince fool me into believing he could take care of her, which he did not, Exhibit c, I let my jealousy get in the way of seeing her pain, of seeing her traumas. Exhibit d, I believed when she told me she wasn't drinking that much, that she was eating because of my brokenness because it was easie

My sister Carina passed two long weeks ago, I went home for the funeral and ended up going through her belongings from 32 short years. I kept some of her books, her electic cd collection and some of her sketches, which all fit into six boxes which are now being shipped to me. I do not want the damn boxes, I want her back, I want to hear her whine about her room mates, laugh at her dating disasters, then tell her how sorry I am I believed my mom when she told me she was the strong one, the one who would make it into the world, unlike me. I am so sorry I let mom gaslight me that she was stable,

I keep dreaming of my mom, who passed three years ago, I am always looking for her through my old toys, but I never find her, just hit me that I can't find her because she was never there, I spent my whole life looking for the mom I needed her to be a nurturing safe mom but I had an angry critical abusive self centered little girl raising me who needed me to prove her worth, her existence, so I can never find my mom because I never had a mom, really struggling how to say goodbye to the woman who raised me, the woman who has caused me to want to say goodbye since I was eleven, really struggling

Been a week since she left with the pets, I feel frozen on my couch, ghosts of my abuse around me and since she took her pets with her, no fur babies to distract or comfort me. I feel so disconnected from the world now, scared these ghosts could lead me to my final goodbye, wish I could say goodbye to the BPD monster that is thrashing inside me, teleah

Thank you for the responses, I spent yesterday wrecked, my daughter called after closing and told me her boyfriend was picking up her stuff without her, I fell apart, wept until she came home, she calmed down when she saw my state. All I can think about today is what a burden I am to her, how I want her to celebrate her huge step without worrying about her crazy mom like I did for 40 years. Today I feel weak, wrecked and fighting ghosts of goodbyes while trying not to be one of my daughter's goodbye. Thank you for listening, so grateful you hear me. (((((((Child and IHeartCupcakes)))))))), lov

My daughter is moving out soon, as in a week to live with her boyfriend, this has triggered so many memories of goodbyes. My first goodbye I can remember was my safe grandpa passing, I was not allowed to say goodbye because it was my job to make sure mom was ok while my dad played the role of concerned dad taking us to a park and telling not to cry or we would get it later, so I smiled and played with my brother all day. The second goodbye was my dad walking out the last time, before that he had stormed out but the final time was when I split into one of me, TW, the last time he walked out, he

The other day at a thrift store, I was hit by another hidden part of my trauma, a t-shirt with the travel destination Vail on it, I froze, that shirt took me back again to right before the divorce. My dad went to a convention without mom so when he came home she kicked him out and within seconds ordered me to go get him, so I went outside and got in the car, he was crying and then informed he had met a woman he loved, not as much as me, he wanted me more than her, I was nine, then he handed me a Vail t-shirt for me and told me only big girls could keep a secret, then I smiled at him and asked

The other day at a thrift store, I was hit by another hidden part of my trauma, a t-shirt with the travel destination Vail on it, I froze, that shirt took me back again to right before the divorce. My dad went to a convention without mom so when he came home she kicked him out and within seconds ordered me to go get him, so I went outside and got in the car, he was crying and then informed he had met a woman he loved, not as much as me, he wanted me more than her, I was nine, then he handed me a Vail t-shirt for me and told me only big girls could keep a secret, then I smiled at him and asked

The other day at a thrift store, I was hit by another hidden part of my trauma, a t-shirt with the travel destination Vail on it, I froze, that shirt took me back again to right before the divorce. My dad went to a convention without mom so when he came home she kicked him out and within seconds ordered me to go get him, so I went outside and got in the car, he was crying and then informed he had met a woman he loved, not as much as me, he wanted me more than her, I was nine, then he handed me a Vail t-shirt for me and told me only big girls could keep a secret, then I smiled at him and asked

Wow, so brave sharing this, shows the horrific confusing internal battle that is incest, sending hugs and thoughts of hope and healing, love teleah

Last week I told my stepdad about my abuse and how it molded the romantic illusion I have had about him since we met, I thought this would break the chains to my deceased emotionally verbal abusive mom but it just exposed to me how vile she was to me, she convinced me he would not understand or believe me and we would never talk again if I told, our and out lies, he believes me and wants to stay in my life as a dad figure, I am once again surprised she can lie so easily to me, her daughter. Had I questioned her, there would not be a rock in my chest, the rock I carried for years, I am so tired

I have had this memory before but tonight it brought me to my knees, I no longer want to know TC my three to five year old, not mad at her but her memories are so awful, just would rather she go away . Tonight I was in the car, when I rode by a restaurant that had a gas leak, the smell took me back to my grandpa's garage TW.....I can hear my mom calling for me, my tiny hand is in bad grandpa's pocket stroking him and he has not yuck yet so he puts his gas scented hands over my mouth so she does not know where I am, I can't breathe, I feel sick then he pushes me out of the garage and I go in fr

Dear mom, it's been three years since you passed, not a day goes by I am not conflicted between missing you and relieved you are gone and so is your gaslighting and emotional neglect and abuse.In the last three years, I have tried to stop defending you not protecting me from my pedophile grandpa, dad and his friend, you are no longer poor mom who grew up unloved so you did not know better, you are the mom that insisted I wore love baby's soft perfume between my thighs at six, insisted on me modeling my new panties in front of my dad at seven, you are the mom who saw me cry after being dropped

Sorry you can relate, mrsteacher, incest is truly a horrible burden, thank you for responding, welcome to AS hope this site helps you with your journey towards wholeness and healing, Sending thoughts of hope and healing,love teleah

The pain started three nights ago, a searing pain in back, right where the pain of numerous kidney infections began when I was seven eight nine. When I was nine I was hit with a searing burning pain and I knew it was another kidney infection so I did not tell anyone until I was moaning in pain when my mom yelled at my dad I need to go to the doctor again for an infection but this time I could tell it was different it felt swollen, like someone had kicked me, he got mad and threw me in the bathroom on the toliet, go he hollered and I was so dizzy i fell off, got up on my knees and threw up whic

Thank you ((((((Dahliaa)))))) found out today that hubby is going to work even farther away, this has caused me to go back to being that manipulated scared 10 year old trying to get her dad to come back in, not leave us, my mom said if he did not come back she would lay down and die, believing her with my whole heart, desperate for him to save me, mom,TW.... I reached out for his lap and ended up pleasing him in his car, in the driveway, he came in and stayed that night but in the morning he left as we slept, I feel like I will always be ten, desperate for someone to save me, always be his. I

This weekend hubby is in town so we are working on me being present during relations and most of the weekend it has been pleasurable for both of us but this afternoon as I tried to be held, all I could hear was his TW.......instructions how to please him with my mouth and my heart broke, am so defeated, working so hard and his voice is still there reminding me, I will always be his, he owns a deep part of me, my first kiss, my first touch, my first time and no matter what i do that will never be mine, he took that and it is his . The only way I can see this changing, finding peace from this i

Today I am useless at conversation, all my mouth wants to speak is the unstuck words, TW, my dad tried to sell me, i asked if i could move in senior year and he said we would discuss it over lunch so went for lunch where we met a man, i thought was an intern teacher who knew my dad, so we had lunch with him and for the first time i debated politics out loud and history, I was super proud I no longer sound like a retard, so proud I was finally smart enough for my dad or so i thought, then after lunch he grabbed my hand " Thanks to your mouth, he is no longer interested ", then pushed my 17 year

Well as we speak her dad is planning on taking a day and going to go get her so she will be safe, away from an unsafe boyfriend, he is driving up and getting her stuff and she will move in with him, where she will have his warm hugs, support and know he is there for her despite her mental illness, eating disorder and bpd while i dream of one day of being loved by a real parent, ones that do not hurt you but support, fight and fight words like useless, done, exhausted and hope all this work to heal from my abuse has not been all for nothing, that one day i will feel as safe as my sister does wi

Once again today I found out that I am working so hard for my sister, for nothing, stepdad has not called me after I emailed him and tried to get sister help and sister called to have me be her secret keeper, this time about her boyfriend, so tired of working so hard to be, working so hard to be reminded again and again this is all for nothing, teleah