I'm new here and to all of this. I came to terms that I have been sexually abused during my childhood only a month ago or so.
Today I wrote in my diary for the first time because I found this website (and other women like me) because my boyfriend decided to send me the Angela Shelton movie. (i haven't seen it yet, it's on the way in the mail) But I am finally speaking out and addressing my need to be an acceptable human woman for the first time also. I just found out last night about P.T.S.D. and realized I have lived my life that way this whole time. And no one could pin point it, not even me.
If I could I am going to share what I just wrote in my diary because I need to be heard!!
I cannot Thank You all enough for being there!!!!!!
I really feel I have never been accepted any where before. But I know I belong here.
November 6 '05
I keep going over it in my head over and over- maybe I wasn't abused but I know it is real. But somehow I keep doubting myself.
I hate them for ruining me. I was perfect. Why did they have to f*ck me over?
I will never get an answer for that other than they are sick and it doesn't seem like enough.
I feel so alone. My mom hates me because she is scared. (she won't admit she new my father abused me)
I have a few close friends who I'd rather not burden-
My therapist is enjoying her weekend, rightfully so. I don't want to disturb her either.
I'm really too scared to remember- my body fights it with every impulse.
I have to shut that door although flashes seep through the cracks. I wish I hadn't numbed myself so I could actually heal. I'm like a steel box. with a lock and key or rather- no key- or no- there is a key I just can't or refuse to find it. I wish above all I could be with my boyfriend but I find over and over that I cannot respect his boundaries. I am unfair and he doesn't deserve it. But I will learn where to draw that line.
Just now I have found After Silence.. The support web page and for the first time I feel like I belong somewhere yet I do not know if I want to be part of that club. (an abused womens club which would mean I had been abused too) Actually I do but I am ashamed to ask for it.
I am writing in my diary now to provide some relief. I haven't written in here since way before my therapy began and all I can see and read of the pages before is a woman trying to get ahold of her anger and not knowing where it comes from or even if it's hers or if it's her boyfriends fault or if she is just weird and will always have disfunctional relationships because she is abnormal no matter how hard she tries to deny it.
I DON'T WANT TO BE ALONE ANYMORE!!
I've been alone since age 4 and I need a friend. A friend on my level. I do have friends but it's too sad. Too sad to give too sad to deal the kind of support I need.
I am sorry- I stupidly feel the need to apologize as though all of this were somehow all my fault.
My mother hates me. She tries not to but I can feel it. She can't bare to take the responsibility- suddenly it's me who took from her and fought her and was the fault to which all her misery came about- Her divorce especially.
But deep in her heart is a little voice that says- I love her. It's not her fault. But she is torn and anger fights her 24/7. She herself has been the victim of worser crimes (raped and satanically abused her childhood). I feel sorry for her. And I forgive her but does she know? That goes with the whole recognition package she is not ready to face.
Feeling a little lighter now.
Thank You all again,