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  1. Thank you all for taking the time to reply and give me such a warm welcome, I already feel like I have found a place where I might be able to feel safe enough to tell some of the feelings and talk about some of the things that i feel to much shame and embarrassment to speak out loud in the real world but yet feel the need to get them out, to have them heard. Looking over some of the posts that others have made, I can see myself and I don't feel so alone, scared, or ashamed. It actually makes me feel more normal because it makes me want to reach out to some of those people and say Hay, don't feel that way, what your feeling is perfectly normal and your doing just fine. And then I realize, that is exatly what I needed to hear because I was feeling the exact same way they were, I was beating myself up the exact same way. Thank each and every one of you who welcomed me here, you will never know how much it truly meant to me because there is no way I can express it in mere words in this message. Sometimes I think it is a shame that people go through life never realizing what an emotional impact they can have on another human being, in this case a very positive one. I can only tell you that I sit here typing this message with silent tears of relief and gratitude at reading your messages. Thank you.
  2. i have already made a few posts becase I am sorta going through a rough time right now. But I thought I would take a minute to actually give a little backgound on me to let you all know a little of who I was. I don't have a lot of memories of my childhood pror to the age of 14 years old. I know that may sound strange, but it is sorta like I just woke up or was born at the age of 14. Can't help it, that is just part of my story and the way it is. But I do have some memories prior to that age, sketchy as they may be. I do know that things were not all that great in my home as I was growing up and yes, I guess you could say i come from an abusive background. The memories I do have from those early years, well, most of them are not happy ones, although I do have a few that are and I try desperately to hold on to those. It is hard though, because lately I find myself haveing some many feelings and things popping up in my head from those years that I don't understand and I am not real sure what to do about it. ahh.. but life after 14.. well I had many of an abusive relationship after that. At home I was trapped with a "man" that was much much older than me that was physically, verbally, and sexually abusive and that relationship continued until I was 16. In which someone else took his place. This seem to be a repeating patten until I left home and got married (to get away from home) until I was 17 (almost 18) In which I found out after marriage that my new husband was physically abusive. Relationships after that were needless to say very bad because I had no idea how to have a good relationship. Young and dumb I suppose. I have manage to have a good relationship here and there. I finally got my life in order and things seemed to be looking good, or so I thought. And over the past three years I seem to have been heading for a major crash in which I finally seem to have made impact. I don't know what is happening to me right now. I suppose all the things from my past have finally caught up with me, I don't really know. I am not sure what is happening. I just know I seem to be falling apart. Funny, I was 10 ft Tall and Bulletproof just a few years ago. Everyone relied on me. Now I think a feather could knock me down. But if you don't mind, Lets just keep that between you and me.
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