n2diving

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About n2diving

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  1. I joined AS a little while ago...and perhaps that was my first real choice toward acceptance...and writing here is decidedly the second. (thanks to katemonster for replying yesterday and bringing it into the new post category) I have been in counseling for 4 years already and just in the last few months have been able to start discussing ALL of the details...but even then, only of one of the most recent instances... It took me that long to fully trust that something terrible wouldn't happen when I said the things that don't fit with my story of my life this far. I would still say if asked by someone I don't know well or if someone in my family asked for a childhood recap that I had a great one. My family wasn't a violent one (at least overtly so), they were fairly well-off, there was always food on the table and I could take part in almost anything I wanted (school, sports, etc.). But if you add in the parts where alcoholism kept my mom from being present from elementary school through college for me and her marriage choice was a man with boiling rage just below the surface...and the picture is skewed a little. I am just now starting to realize how absent she must have been to not notice the neighbor boy and his older brother for two years when I was in the second grade. And now having flashbacks of things I have no memory of or context for. Just know I was little and he was an adult. The only thing that fits there is her never ending stream of "dates" in between my dad leaving and husband #2. But to be fair, I have nothing save the scene shrouded in darkness and the panic, stomach flip and localized heat that scene created. My T calls it acknowledge and accept. And I have been fighting it tooth and nail the whole time. Probably wouldn't have even thought of what happened as bad except for the part where I thought I was pregnant at 9 (and some days not even then)... For sure wouldn't have gone to counseling for it. So it was all the adult stuff that brought me into counseling...and just now starting to think what if the adult stuff elicited such a strong reaction (and an equally strong denial and pushback) because of what happened earlier. I don't know how to explain it, but it's like my brain can't handle the label. Somehow it thinks it knows what SA looks like...and who I am and what my childhood was like wasn't it. (Not that my brain can name what is, just for sure not me.) The lawyer in my head has argued against the facts for years (maybe you misunderstood that, you chose to do that--or at least you must have since you don't remember how it started, maybe you are remembering incorrectly, you can't prove it with corroborating evidence or beyond a reasonable doubt)... But... But the adult me is having a hard time reconciling all the...I guess you'd call them syptoms...things that only people with a history of SA have. Way more than once in my descriptions of things and responses to certain things, my T has said something about textbook CSA. In my wildest dreams I couldn't have created the flashbacks...have never felt anything that strongly in my life. Wouldn't be able to make myself wake up at the same time each night, some nights in a panic--trying hard to breathe, having to talk myself into swallowing before I can breathe, struggling to stay present in normal day to day... And there are so many more... It is these things along with the memories I do have that make me think what happened was a big deal. That somehow the "happy" childhood I try to pretend I had was anything but. But letting that be real and *just exist* seems beyond what I can handle. But years of denying it ever existed hasn't gotten me anywhere...and this small voice in my head has been repeating for years that things can be better...that things will be better. There is a hope for tomorrow. For now, I'm settling for what I can...that what happened when I was little wasn't good or *normal*....that my childhood included SA...is possible. Probable actually.