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MelissaBlue

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Everything posted by MelissaBlue

  1. when i told my mom a few days ago about what happened recently "this can't happen so many times to the one person, i think you're making it up" no. just. f*cking. NO!
  2. *rescues lil girl from closet* can she play with us, rachy? my lil mel is very lonely.. i haven't been talking to her much, she needs someone to play with
  3. we are working more with little mel in counselling and she doesn't like it much. she is getting asked about the painful and scary things and she doesn't speak she just cries. i am going to try writing to her in my journal to see how she feels about it, because she seems to want to talk but doesn't know what to say hey little mel.. it's ok.. it's ok that ur scared, i'm much bigger than you and i am very very scared. we don't know if stuff has happened to you and we are trying to find out. help us, help us so we can help you make it better. we can't make it better if you don't tell us. we have our little teddy brodie right here, look, and our doggy, they are very safe things around us that can help you to talk. if you don't want to talk, we can wait because we love you very much, and we won't pressure you to do anything that you aren't ready for. but sharon and i will be here when you do want to come out. tomorrow i promise we will watch cartoons before i go to work and we will go and visit grandma and eat the carrot cake with lemon icing you really really like. i love you honey.
  4. little mel is playing with xmas toys today. she is colouring and drawing big hearts with lots of bright yellow sun and blue sky. she doesn't speak much these days, but tends to draw and is starting to write stuff. we're going walking soon, i hope she can show me some pretty flowers and stuff. earlier this thread, we had a request for a "creche" for our inner children well, i was thinking of creating a "who wants to play"? thread, where they can all get together and play for a while. would that be cool? it's not really a creche, but it's somewhere we can all let them out and let them play, and we get to meet them too
  5. Little Mel is wondering why i'm not excited about xmas. she is going nuts inside me, and wants to go for a bike ride tonight to look at xmas lights (she loves it when we ride, she giggles alot esp.when i go really fast) she keeps saying "lights, pwetty, can we go see"? and is getting really really impatient. (it's so annoying) she's also been teasing my poor dog alot, and she thinks it's funny. she put reindeer ears on him last night, and poor Lucky, he was just sitting there looking at me as if to say "ok, seriously, what's the big idea"? i got her some new colouring books and pens for xmas and she can't wait to use them (going to let her open one thing tonight) she also likes it when we bake xmas cookies. she keeps saying "mmm smell good!!" she reminds me of the innocence i lost. the simple things in life like cookies and bike rides and coloring. I love her, and it's taken me a long long time to be able to say that
  6. Little Mel is scared still. she doesn't want to come out. she says. no out. stay HERE. i don't know how to show her she's safe. she's ok because i don't feel safe or ok right now. mel
  7. lil mel is very scared right now. she's been crying alot and hiding, drawing really scary pictures with dark crayons. she always likes the bright colors when she's happy. i am trying to reassure her that she's safe and no one will hurt her. she wants to go and hide, and tell u the truth, i don't blame her.
  8. little mel, it's ok honey. you were crying before, scared that the men would hurt you again. but i promise. NO ONE is going to hurt you ever again. i am bigger and stronger now, i can protect you. we will do lots of fun things together and i will make you feel safe again. i promise.
  9. today my little mel is being a brat. lots of stomping her feet and being angry and frustrated. we had to do serious work and she didn't want to. we went out last night and she danced alot. she giggled and laughed like she was truly allowed to be a little girl for the first time. she's very very adorable and i am making a conscious effort to help live and flourish like she wasn't able to before mel
  10. weally? we gets to do dat? yayyyyy hapi hapi lil mel. we lubs Ebreywun heer!!!! (oh man, now she's gonna be running around like a nutcase. good thing i got dance tonight)
  11. hi little Mel we know you are very smart and have lots of questions and things you want to know. we also know you are scared to ask them, scared to come out and speak even though you want to, for fear i might keep you quiet. but remember when i let you speak with sharon? well we can do that more often here, it's very safe. there are lots of littles here who are just like you. you don't have to be brave all the time, you can be like a little girl, playful, messy, all those things you were taught were wrong. it's not wrong. it's fine.
  12. can she speak here, is that ok? i guess it's too late now. she already has. do you guys mind if i am little sometimes? i feel so scared, too scared to be *big* all the time. little mel needs to come out and play. she wants to all the time. she doesn't quite know when the right time is yet, and she has lots of questions. if i can create a sfe place for her to speak, then i guess it wil be ok. can u guys help me
  13. Mel let me speek! she let me speek today to a nice lady called shawon. shawon likes uz. sumwun likes uz! shawon gibs uz nice things to play wid. a toi cow that is all fallin to bits coz lots of littl girls and bois playd with it. We likes Mel agen coz she let uz speek. wun fing she sed i not understan is dat we gots to lern wen is rite time to speek. speekin all time is not gud mel said. sometimes she haz to speek, like at school an stuff. wot duz that meen? we go for wawk now and look at pwetty flowrs and play wid doggies. bibi. (now i can't keep her quiet, i let her speak once, and she wants to speak all the time. help!) mel + little mel
  14. mel won't let me speek. i dont like hur rite now she wont let me speek even wen i want to speek whi dusent she like me i guess that girl was who i call "little mel" yes. i do silence her all the time, and she's beginning to assert herself despite me. she gets frustrated, like you see above, when i don't let her "speek" i let her play, we colour and read stories. i think she's about 8. she wasn't a part of me affected by CSA, but she lets me heal that wounded child. she is so intelligent, she lets me know things that i wouldn't know in adulthood, because kids have way s of telling us things that aren't like adults ways. For instance she looks at every flower she sees and says "pwetty" even if it's non descript or just ordinary. i love you little mel. i am going to take better care of you. mel
  15. my mom: If you hadn't been drinking it wouldn't have happened. um. well. considering that coffee and water can be spiked and I drink those every day, i better stop, right? one of his "friends" in email: It's not that I don't believe you, i just don't think he's capable of it. if you don't think he's capable of it, when i'm telling you, it means you don't believe me. idiot. melissa
  16. this may sound strange, but for me, i take a shower. I turn the water up to warm, but not too warm. The shower is a place where I am forced to be naked and look at myself as i genuinely avoid looking naked in the mirror, or looking in the mirror generally, but yeah. It helps me to get to know my body's bits, wether I like them or not right now, if i know they are there, I can work towards acceptance of them. Self-esteem/image has been an absolute killer for me in the past. I was heavily involved in sport as a child, dancing, track and field, basketball etc but because i suffered CSA i was always forced to look negatively at my body, because of the man who abused it, and who deliberately picked me because i was smaller than everyone else. What that caused me to do was drop out of physical activity as I progressed thru teenage years, and become largely in active and as a result, overweight. In my mind, i was making myself bigger (it only turns out that i was gaining weight, not muscle or height) and stronger to fight him off, or gaining enough weight to be "unnattractive" to any man who may have wanted to hurt me. I am only just losing the weight i gained now, and due to working out, i've gained a fair chunk of muscle. I guess what i'm trying to say is that, i have poor self- image, or i have had but i'm working on it. Another thing I am just wanting to think about (although slightly ot) is how much of our body image, as women, is governed by what we see, hear, read , purchase. the media is the most powerful way of making women feel sh*thouse about themselves, the beauty industry thrives on poor self esteem and sees consumption of certain "beauty" products as a way of rectifying supposed "flaws" in our appearance. It may not apply to every single woman, but i know many women feel inadequate due to what they read and see on tv. and it's about time we began to reject those images. that turned slightly ranty, but it is linked up with self image and self esteem in several ways.
  17. hey, i've started a trend!!! woohoo!! *softhugs linds who's still the same dork* mel
  18. hihi pplz my name used to be sweetsangria but i had to change it because of technical issues and someone finding out i'm here. i'm still the same Mel, goofy as always, but i'm just under a different name. xoxo Mel
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