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    Midwest, USA
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    Martial arts, photography, writing, art, wildlife rehabilitation

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See all updates by kyukidojen

  1. Please only read if you are safe.  Possible triggers.

    Hi Jenn

    I hope these two weeks are ok for you.  I have been spiraling down for some time and yesterday I kinda lost it when my therapist told me that she needed to make our appointments only once each month.  I had just told her that I was feeling very hopeless about ever getting the healing I felt I need.  I know I'm whining but I feel like no one wants to help or maybe no one feels like they can help.  I'm such a mess and bouncing from one t to another feels like my inside part that is so negative is right...I am screwed up beyond fixing.  I have hurt myself a lot lately.  And the thoughts have gotten dark to where I never wanted to be again.  Nightmares both tonight and last night.  Looking out the eyes of being little and being hurt and not knowing what they were going to do next.  And then there is a pastor hat that I wear that has to be looking good for the season.  If people only knew...

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    2. splitperson3



      You are a lifesaver...really.  I have been busy today as I have a funeral tonight and met with the family this afternoon as they were coming in for the funeral visitation.  The funeral is at 7pm.  I also have been juggling my wife's mental state, my own and our son and his wife coming in for a couple of days in about an hour.  Our daughter is home and we will total five persons and five dogs..lol.  And I'm trying to put together a Christmas sermon.  Inside, I feel little, big, ashamed, hypocritical, angry at myself, sad, critical of me and tired of it all.  The hopelessness is still there.  I am going on your words here and from earlier that I am worth healing.  I also am trying to hang onto my faith.  I have been listening to contemporary Christian oldies music today.  Even though its hard to take it all in, the message is there.  Concentrating on knowing:  I am not alone, I am not dirty, I can heal, Jesus loves me.  I am fighting sometimes and sometimes just hanging on.  Know that I treasure your friendship.  Even though we have never met in person, we do share common ground.  You are very kind to listen and respond to me when you have your own life to deal with and not only me but many on the AS site.  Thanks again. 

    3. kyukidojen



      I'm just glad I can help.  Five dogs is a lot of fur and kisses.  We'll have 13 people and only one dog, so significant difference. 

      I hope your sermon comes together - I've only preached a few times, and it was hard work pulling together an entire sermon! 

      You are definitely worth healing.  And your faith is worth hanging on to.  I know it's hard for you to do so right now, but it IS possible.  And you are right - you're not alone.  You're not dirty.  You can heal.  Jesus does love you.  If all you can do is hang on right now, then that's all you can do.  I know how exhausting fighting is, and I do my fair share of just hanging on. 

      You have been a good friend to me, too.   I feel so blessed to know you.  And we do definitely have common ground. 

      You know you are always welcome to write to me.  It's never a burden.

      Be safe, my friend.

    4. splitperson3
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