Single Status Update
Please only read if you are safe. Possible triggers.
I hope these two weeks are ok for you. I have been spiraling down for some time and yesterday I kinda lost it when my therapist told me that she needed to make our appointments only once each month. I had just told her that I was feeling very hopeless about ever getting the healing I felt I need. I know I'm whining but I feel like no one wants to help or maybe no one feels like they can help. I'm such a mess and bouncing from one t to another feels like my inside part that is so negative is right...I am screwed up beyond fixing. I have hurt myself a lot lately. And the thoughts have gotten dark to where I never wanted to be again. Nightmares both tonight and last night. Looking out the eyes of being little and being hurt and not knowing what they were going to do next. And then there is a pastor hat that I wear that has to be looking good for the season. If people only knew...
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Nightmare again losing my wife and daughter on subway and having young gang punks breaking into car of train and shooting me. It was with blanks and they laughed at me when I recoiled in fear. Ashamed and embarrassed that I froze in fear instead of fighting them. "Be a man" one said.
Heart is pounding. I hope I didn't yell and wake anyone up here.
That's a horrible dream, Kevin. I know the nightmare scene all too well. I often dream that something is happening to Derek and I can't stop it; for whatever reason I'm unable to move to defend him.
You ARE a man, Kevin. A courageous one. Freezing up in your dream isn't something you need to be ashamed of or embarrassed by. Dreams aren't reality. I know that in real life, I would ALWAYS fight to the death to defend Derek or anyone else who was in danger. My dreams don't know that. I think the same thing is happening in your dreams - they aren't following what you would really do.
Even if it WAS reality, recoiling in fear as someone very convincingly goes through the motions of shooting you, is certainly not evidence of cowardice. Rather, it's evidence of humanity - we're not cut out to die. We don't like it. We want to avoid it.
I hope tomorrow goes well for you. I'll be in your pocket, and thinking of and praying for you.