The idea of the little girl inside of me has been brought up in therapy with the two therapists I've had; however, the only time I can get a hold of my inner child is when I'm actually having a body flashback and can get to a piece of paper and a pen. She likes to write, I know this; I always did enjoy it and when I "come back" the writing is big, loopy, just like it was before and I can see she was trying to tell me something; that she's still hurting, that I'm not doing whatever I can to help her and that I'm hurting her. I try to find her during regular, functioning days and she's still hiding - how do I find her? I can see that she does have an impact on what I do in my every day life sometimes; like when I call off work because something (or someone) is telling me I need to stay in bed until mid-afternoon and then eat popcorn in front of the television and watch the movies I used to love. I did that yesterday and it felt amazing and it should have felt like we bonded or something, but after the calling off and the long bath and the relaxing, I still couldn't get her to come out. Maybe I just need to dedicate more time to finding her, or maybe she doesn't want to be found.
I'm sorry. I know you're still hurting and I know I have to do something to help you feel better about everything, but I don't know what. I'm still so confused about it all and while the years pass by I only grow more confused and the events only get more hazy and tend to run together. Give me a chance to show you I can work on this, to help fix us both. Come out more often, don't be scared - there's nothing to be scared of anymore, I promise. No one is going to hurt you like they used to and I know you've heard this all before but this time I know it's true. I won't let anyone hurt you again, you just have to trust me.