I love this exercise-- I started a theme on my blog, called "Open Letter" series after my therapist and I decided that this was a good healing tool for me, and one of the first letters I did, was one to myself. I'll post it here.
There are so many things about you that I love. Your kind heart, the beauty in everyone that you search to see, and the compassion that you exude. I love your smile, and the way that your eyes light up when you talk about something that is your passion. I love watching you fall in love, with not only Curt, but yourself. I love that you are finding that happy balance in your life. You deserve it.
I love that you can find the good in everyone. I love that you can make a crowd of people laugh harder than anyone I know. But most of all, I love that you are a survivor. Someone who has taken the painful side of their past, and wrapped it in your life. Even though it has defined you, it has become you, it has still not fully consumed you. I love that about you. I love that you are consistently inconsistent, and that you answer to no one, but yourself.
I love that you have confidence, as a woman, as a mentor, as a friend. That you care more about your friends & family, then you do about yourself at times. I love that you want to rescue every sick kitten, puppy, and animal you come into contact with. I love that you put your heart and soul into life, no matter what the occasion is.
But with all the things I love, there are so many that I hate still.
I hate that you still blame yourself. I hate that you can’t forgive him just yet. I hate that you make excuses for yourself, knowing that there is no excuse for his actions towards you. I hate that you can’t move on from this because you won’t take some of those crucial steps.
I hate that you stop therapy at the drop of a hat because you don’t want to get close to anyone again. I hate that you can’t sleep for more than 3 hours at a time because your dreams are ripped open by painful flashbacks that literally cause you to scream out. I hate that, as punishment (which is something we’ll talk about in a minute), you force yourself to remember every little detail in hopes of finding a flaw in yourself, instead of him.
I hate that you even feel the need to punish yourself to begin with. Why do you need to be punished? What could you have done, at any point in your life, that would merit being sexually and physically abused by someone? I hate that you don’t have the trust to admit to yourself that you need help. I hate that you don’t want to reach out anymore, that you feel like you should “have control” of the situation by now.
I hate that you feel that this “situation” is even a “situation”. It’s not a situation, Heather. It’s a part of your life, one that you can never take back. I hate that you want to play the martyr, and try and act as though you have gotten through this, even though you know you have not. I hate that you don’t allow yourself to speak to others, that you don’t feel as though you are worth it. I hate that you don’t feel that you are strong, that you are an inspiration to someone, anyone out there who has been through, or is going through, what you have.
And most importantly, I hate that you can’t stop putting up walls, when instead you could, and should be tearing them down.
But remember this, Heather.
You’ve come so far. And you have more to go. But you are never on this journey alone. You have friends, you have family, and you have someone who is not only your best friend, but your future husband to support you. In any way. You are loved, you are cherished, not only by those listed above, but by yourself.
You are a survivor. You will rise above this.
You will prove to him that you are not just a w**re, you are not worthless, you are not a piece of trash, and you are much more important that he ever thought.
Be proud of yourself, Heather. Our journey is only starting.