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  1. Blackness

    My coffee, race and soul seem to all be the same. Black. Like a black mood persists among me. A black cloud that I just can't get out of. All day I have been anxious and restless but not feeling good due to the time of the month. And when this "time" happens, Its always a trigger in many ways. I am more emotional, more worn out, more moody, more down and depressed. Is this a disorder? Could this be something? I don't know. All I know is that I've been having somewhat of a depressive spell in the last couple of weeks brought on more by the fact that I have an anniversary coming up. I hate you and everything about you. I wish I didn't think about you or this anniversary. And the sad part is that I feel bad for feeling this way. Because people have gone through things like this and worse and are okay. And then here is me, this mess of a person who always comes back full circle in this order: depressed, anxious, sad, impulsive, manic, paranoid, hearing voices, and then it seems to repeat in this roundabout cycle. Right now I'm a whole lot of in the middle. Manic and depressed, functioning and not. But everything that happened was my fault anyway, I caused it, idk. I'm starting to feel sick. My eating issues are trying to get the best of me. The urges and thoughts to restrict have been working on me. I eat when I eat, don't when I don't and I can't seem to stop it. Realistically, I'm sure this is causing me some of my depressiveness. But I'm too out there to care.... Then comes the self harm. and I don't recommend it to anyone to do it, but can't judge someone because I have been doing it. I'm not proud but it is what it is. Theres times like right now where I feel I could just disappear out of the world and no one would notice or care, except my fiancé and at times I don't know if that's enough. Think its time to ring the crisis line and talk to them. I'm just tired. So sick and tired. Update later.
  2. Hey everyone!

    Hi guys! Im martina. Im 31 years old and was born in Nebraska and lived there up until about almost 2 years ago when i moved to Missouri and my fiance and i have an apartment together here. Life hasnt always been easy and the last decade has been really rough. I have PTSD from multiple traumas, rapid cycling bipolar, borderline personality disorder, and an unspecified eating disorder. Everyday has its ups and downs and i manage the best i can. Some days are better than others. I found this place through the 741 text line number and im glad i came here. Im sorry to anyone struggling with this as well here. You aren't alone.