my real name's melanie, and i'm a 30 yr old survivor of sexual and ritual abuse. i have been dealing with this for quite some time now (3 years to be exact). i have previously been to therapy, but at this time i am not.
due to being ritually abused by both sides of my family (mainly my father's side), ummm...i have been diagnosed with multiple personality disorder, ptsd, severe clinical depression, and chronic insomnia. ummm....i don't take any meds due to them not working on me, and i try to use meditation and other forms of natural remedies to help out with my depression. also, i don't believe in taking meds due to the serious negative effects that occurs when i do take them.
uhhh...i also currently run my own online support groups for survivors, but sometimes i feel as if i just need another place to go to talk about my problems b/c it is sometimes hard to get others to see where i am coming from, although we are all going through about the same things.
my abuse spans out from before i was even born (within the womb) to about 17 years old. i don't remember a lot of my abuse due to all of the repressed memories that i have, and they come and go in phases. most of my alters or parts of my personality are the ones who talk for me since i am not able to handle them most of the time. there is 15 years of my life that is missing and i wish that i could grasp it but it is very hard and depressing for me. i do know that there are times that they do come to me, but i tend to shake them away b/c i just don't want to deal with them at all.
i am doing my best to recover as best as i know, and i may be seeking therapy again as soon as i can find the time between looking for a job and going to school full-time. i am also trying to better myself by trying to stay as positive as possible and going to school online, but this can be very hard for me at times. i am fearing that my depression is starting to return due to struggling to find work. however, i am looking into owning my own business or working from home as a medical transcriptionist.
also, at age 17, i was raped by 5 guys. although i am mostly over that, it does eat at me at times, especially when i hear about close friends who have been through this as well. and, i have been dealing with the admittance of me having an eating disorder. i tend to starve myself and try not to eat a lot. although i am underweight and i am a small, petite person anyways, i don't want to gain weight b/c i want to stay small and be able to fit into my size 1s and 0s that i have to wear all the time. this is also starting to worry me b/c i have dealt with being called names all my life and having to deal with others and friends wanting to know why i am sooo thin. but, at least, i am admitting it to myself now. i guess.
anyways...i don't know what else to say, except that i am glad that i can come here to talk about my issues and ordeals. for letting me be apart of this group.