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Everything posted by aperson

  1. This has beena trying work week. Honestly its been a trying year. Every day is a new challenge and then there are those that never go away. 30 people who require managing, discipling and ecouragement. The encouragement was and is a hard one for me. It doesnt fit my task based personality. There is one who is especially challenging. She is an emotinal lady. She lacks confidence, self-esteem and is emotional to a high degree. She used to come in my office once a week and break down in tears ecauseshe felt she was a failure. She still threatens to quit or wants me to fire her regularly. For me it was a strain to try and find different ways to build her confidence and reassure her she is not beyond help. She is touchy feely. Likes hugs and touching people when she talks. Lol I have even told my manager that if she does it once more I was no longer dealing with her. But each day I started over for myself. Trying to se where I can improve and breakthrough. She requires so much of my energy. But I wont quit. Its not in me. Then there are the people who dont want to come to work. Jepodizimg our contract and all of our jobs. There are thse who feel they are entitles. That their work is more valuable than any of the others. And then there are those that try me. Who dont realize I love a good word play and will.set you in a trap. I am a smart ass, sarvastic and petty. I know how to curse someone out without a single curse word. I can be blunt when pushed too far. And anger, whoo. I have held on to so much that when it gets realeased it overflows. I have behaved but have come close. I have told my boss every time. No reason for her to be blindsided. Aside from those are the pulls from internal co-workers. The demand for answers to under performance, improving performance and finding new methods. Having to answer forfailures that are mine but arent mine. Coming up with solitions that dont damage us further. Dealimg with them is a challenge by itself. And the company that we have a contract with. Nitpicking at the smallest item even though we are well within acceptable ranges. Their employees who are a demanding group of people. Each one believing they are more important than the other. Complaining if 1 thing doesnt go their way because how can no one cater to their needs at will. A bunch of entitled and arrogant assholes. And interviewing new people is the worst. They are not prepared, dressed poorly for an interview or so damn arrogant that they cant see they turned me off when they walked in. Nothing worse than someone with no experience trying to fake an answer to a question. Well maybe the one with too much experience trying to prove they are better than you and want you to know it. Some days, most days lol, I ask why did I do this. I knew this is what it would be like. A bunch of whining adults who need a babysoitter who is underpaid for the work being done. Then I remembered my interview 6 years ago when I applied as a call taker. They asked why me. I was like why not lol. But the real answer was I need growth and a challenge. I need to learn and know I can move to morethan a call taker. Boy did I get what I asked for. 6 years and 3 position changes. I have soughtout opportunities to show my worth. I looked at each challenge and said, dont fail. If I did, I made sure to not make that mistake again. I recieved positive feedback and encouragement that I did well. I had people who saw beyond te quiet girl in the back and realized there was a force that wouldnt give up. I found the place that not only challenged my knowledge but now challenges my growth as a person. This was beyond my wildest dreams. There are many who are much smarter than I. I had spent much of my time trying to keep up with them. Truthfully I was only competing with myself. Proving to me that I was worthy. My past created such low self-esteem that I never felt good enough even when I was at my best. The incidents caused me to block my emotio s so that I could only focus on the problem and a solution. Emotions were an obstacle, a road block. The way to handle it was to remove the obstacle. Remove the emotions and handle the task at hand. I know this is false but it was required at the time. I am a hopeless work-aholic. I dream about work lol. I wake and check my emails before I set 1 foot out of bed. I get there and stay for 9-10 hours. Ther are days that I have not slept because I was wprking and lost track of time. My account team thinks I am a vampire and require no sleep lol. Maybe writing this will allow me to enjoy my weekend a little. Well at least until Sunday. 😊
  2. aperson

    Day 2....

    Today was a bit rough. Monday is the busiest day of the work week for me and this Monday was no different. Much of my morning was spent babysitting adults to do their job and stop wasting time. The say I am intimidating because I have a poker face. i show little emotion, good or bad. They never know what to expect from me so they are always on alert. I on the other hand am trying to find the most gentle voice and non-threatening words to address performance issues. Somehow, there is always one person that needs to challenge me that day. on a good day, they get an apology. On a bad day they get cussed out without using a single cuss word in my 'mama tone'. Maybe I need to work a little harder on that. The rest is spent trying to explain how my group may have to pay a penalty for not meeting our goal even though we are busier than we should be this time of year. I am ready to skip May and move to June. Tomorrow will be a smaller version of today with added interviews for open positions to be filled. I ask myself daily why in the world did I apply for this position? I could have stayed in my comfort zone and succeeded. Oh, I wanted to challenge myself. I wanted to prove to myself I could do it even though everybody else believed I could. Not sure which one of us is eating crow. Either way it is a heaping plate full for sure. After work, I got so caught up in talking, I accidentally burned my niece. That one hurt me. It is 6 hours later and she still doesnt quite trust me or believe it was an accident. That makes it sting just a little bit more. The burn is small and does not require doctor's care but I am being extra careful with her. She could probably ask me for a million dollars right now and I would give it to her. I can just hear her telling her teacher now. My sister would probably kill me if the school sends DHS to our house. As for the mental state, that is so-so. It has been one of those days where I just dont feel right. I am sure that there is a cause. Have been watching shows with 'accidental' triggers. There is a trigger I am trying to ignore because I am not prepared to put to paper yet. It is sensitive for me and will likely lead down a dark road that I am just not wanting to go down. One day, it will hit me I am sure. It just cannot be today. Stuffing things as usual. I am fairly decent at it. I can pile on a lot of things before the damn breaks. LOL It will be the littlest thing that sets me off. Someone will call my name and I just wont like the way they same it. Completely harmless for them but like fire to me. Maybe this will help with that as well. Letting me release even the small things daily so they do not build and fester inside of me. Then no major sh!t storms on unsuspecting people. No need to release what others call my 3rd personality. The evil b!&^h. This is my anger and hate-filled side that no one seems to want to see. I have done well in keeping that part under wraps and well maintained. Well....on to Tuesday and the joy it will bring. Here is to going to sleep before 3am.
  3. aperson

    Am I Enough?

    As I lay here waiting on sleep to find me, that question comes to mind. Am I enough? Am I sufficient as I am to be acceptable as a friend, daughter, sister? Am I enough as a co-worker? My short answer is no. The longer answer is I feel seriously flawed. I dont feel like I am alone in that but it still exists. There are skills I never picked up. I never learned it. I never had a chance to apply it. I never learned to be a friend. To understand what that even means. I dont think it means I am a yes-man but it also cant be always being defensive. I hear it involves some form of love or caring a grat deal. It involves understanding emotions. Being able to understand them and the affects it has on others. I didnt learn to experience life. To see a fear and approach it. To face it. To relenquish its control of me. To look at a crowd not as a mob waiting to pounce but a world yet to be opened. To not fear everyone is dissecting me from the hair on my head to my toes. How do I improve that? Being vulnerable is a huge fear and task. It's not something that will happen quickly. How do I overcome those setbacks? They only reinforce the need to not be vulnerable. I kmow I should be enough but I am not certain I ever will be. I am not certain that 'enough' really exists.
  4. aperson


    I have been contemplating reinstating my journaling. It was helpful to calm my mind at night so I can rest. Because of nosey family, a handwritten journal (which I love) is not an option. Then I saw this. Worried at first. It means my thoughts are seen by strangers who can respond. I had to realize the benefits outweigh the negatives. I am hoping to do this daily, good and bad. I am hoping I can look back and see actual progress one day. I am hoping to find a voice for those things I cant most days. I joined this site to try to find peace with my past and my actions during a difficult childhood. More than 30 years of pain silenced and building up. Years holding on to a secret that I am not prepared to release to those in my life. So we will see how this goes. Lord, give me strength to keep this up. Day 1 It's been a calm day mostly. My nephew and his girlfriend have broken up...gain. this tome he seems to be gaining a backbone. I like her but I find her a manipulator. Maybe he is realizing this now. I say good for him. I have been able to curb most thoughts today with a movie or crocheting. Someone gave me the idea to crochet for newborns and donate to the hospitals. So I am going to try and see how it goes. Lol I am slow so it will take me months. Good thing babies are born daily. There is the joy of work in the morning. I love my job. It challenges me daily. My boss and other supervisors are amazing. I manage about 30 people. Some days ot os like a day care full of 5 yr olds. Other days they amaze me as well. I only hope I am showing them as well as someone showed me. Monday is my most stressful work day and it can set the pace for the rest of my week. Sunset will be the bigger issue. Thats when the anxiety goes in overdrive. The thoughts then multiply like cells. Every thought leads to 2 other thoughts. That will be the issue. Maybe I should do this then. When I am in the midst. When I am on the verge of tears and in need of a listening ear.
  5. It is now called Venting under the Body and Mind forum. Yeah I got confused too when I thought it was gone.
  6. aperson


    Welcome to AS!!!
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