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aperson

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Everything posted by aperson

  1. aperson

    Out of Patience

    I am giving fair warning to everyone. I. Am. Out. Of. Patience. I have none. Dont try to fool me. My mouth is bad today. If I sad it offensively. You can be damn sure I meant that way. And yes I will repeat it as many times as you need. It wont be any prettier. Just leave me the hell alone.
  2. aperson

    She is gone.

    Thanks everyone. Hugs to all of you as well.
  3. aperson

    She is gone.

    This morning, while we sat with our grandma, she took her last breath. I made one of the hardest calls I have made so far in life. I called my dad to tell him she was gone. But he knew before I could get the words out. At 0623, she left us. She went peacefully and without pain. Before he got there, I straightened her clothes and cleaned her face. I told her that we would all be ok. I know she is in heaven now one of my new guardian angels. When my dad came I stayed near by in case he needed me. He said his goodbye and said she is exactly where she wants to be now. He smiled. He thanked us for staying. We sat and held her hand until the funeral home came. I remember how warm she felt when I first checked for her pulse. I thought she would start breathing again. By the time they came, she was turning cold. There was no doubt that she wasnt there any more. So now the task begins. My brother is on the road as a truck driver and we are praying he makes it home in time. I am ok for now. The day of her services will be the hardest. It always is. That is when it really clicks that it is done. Earlier today, my sister and I had the same thought, lets go see gramdma later. Then we had the next thought of we cant. I made sure to get the blanket I crocheted for her. They cant find the other one.
  4. Today is a sad sobering day. My grandmother is at the end of her days. I have known this day would come. I have been trying to mentally prepare myself. She had a great life. Even on her last 'aware' day she was smiling and laughing. Then she just stopped. She is a God-fearing woman. She is my country grandma. She lived a full life without all the modern conveniences. She had TV but only watched the news. She spent her time gardening and loving those around her. She may not have given you the shirt off her back but she gave you your choice of the ones in her closet. She taught me to sew, to bake, to make popcorn on the stove. No need for a microwave. She loved everyone she came in contact with and you couldn't help but to love her back. Now I am sitting with her, waiting until she takes her final breath and holding my own. The nurses say she has all the tell tell signs. I knew it the moment I laid eyes on her. The vibrant woman I knew is no longer there. I wonder what she is seeing. Does she see her husband or her daughter or her siblings? Can she see the heaven she has worked so hard to get in to? Can she hear me when I talk to her? When I tell her we will take care of her sons? When I tell her she now has to watch over us from her spiritual body? Does she know that I am grateful for every day I got to spend with her, even when she didn't know who I was? My father is having a very hard time. He is the baby. Her baby boy. He is proud to be that. He can't see her this way. A lifetime of love. A lifetime of troubles and joy. She didn't get to really see him doing his best. Her dementia was already present. I will do my best to be there for him as his daughter. I am hoping I can be there for him. I may not agree with him or his methods but he is my father. I can only imagine the pain he feels is the pain I will feel when he leaves this earth. My grandmother is the one person I believe who loves me with no strings attached. She didn't expect anything from me but love. She didn't do for me so I would do for her. She would have rather done it herself lol. I call her mama because that is what she has been in my life. I didn't always understand as a child. She baked our birthday cakes every year. They were not glamorous or fancy. They were special because she made them. So here I will sit for as long as I can. For as long as she needs. I will hold her hand. I will stroke her face. I will clean her mouth and be sure she is comfortable because she would do all of that for me. I only wish I had learned to appreciate her sooner so I could have told her when she could understand.
  5. aperson

    Failed Plans

    Its after midnight. Less than 2 hours sleep since Sunday. I am running on fumes but I have to keep trying to move forward. I have to keep moving forward. I have to keep trying. I have to come up with a solution to this problem. Right now all I have is tunnel vision on the problem. All I can seeis how big this has gotten and I dont know where to start. The obvious is to take the first step but I am terrified and anxious. My heart races at the thought. How do I even begin? My thought is to say this is all their fault. They caused this. They made me this way. My next thought is to dismiss all that and take responsibility for me letting it get this way. But neitherof those really help either. So whats next? I know the cause. I dont know how to fix it. It's been longer than a year. I make plans. I try to prepare myself for what has to happen. I try to set a time limit. 1 hour. Is that going to be enough? It wont feel like enough. I will cry. I will rush the end because I know I am out of time. If I dont stick to the plan it will be hours. The anxiety will grow. Once its over I will rush the closing process. I will want to start over because I know it's not complete. It will never be complete. When it's over, I will crawl into bed and cry. The tears will be a release. Releasing the fear, the shame and relief of having completed it. Knowing there will need to be a next time sooner rather than lter. But the plan always fails. The shame becomes to great and I can take the first step. I start to see how I can change the plan. How do I get the same results but less invasive? I run all the options. Then I run out of time. I think on it so much that I am too tired to do anything. I feel like a failure. Tomorrow will be a repeat of today and the cycle begins. Internally I know I am not helping anything and there isnt much anyone else can do. So I try to conceal it. All the while knowing I am not succeeding. No one will say anything but the questions will show on their face. They dont understamd it. They cant comprehend the reasons why. They have all the wrong reasons. It is 1am. I dont think sleep will find me. Tomorrow is now today. Time to repeat the process.
  6. aperson

    Its been awhile

    Thanks @Bluesclues.
  7. aperson

    Its been awhile

    I havent given up on this but every time I tried to write I was full of shame. I couldnt allow it to be seen by anyone. I still cant. People say you shouldnt feel ashamed, Its not your fault, It happens to many people. I say I hear you but those words dont take the shame away. They somehow only increase the panic and anxiety. I have to breathe deeply to drive off the impending panic attack. I said it once before but I diminished the issue. Made it sound much better than it was...is. It is pretty bad. Bad enough that I cant really disguise the issue anymore. Bad enough that I notice the long stares. Bad enough that I dont want to leave the house some days. Ot has been a year. The longer it goes, the harder it gets. It is like watching a mess get bigger but now its too big to handle so you keep ignoring it. So I wite this to give myself a little peace this evening. To relieve the pressure.
  8. aperson

    ........

    I havent been feeling much like writing lately. I am finding it hard to put any thoughts in the open and put words to my feelings. It is having the normal affect of driving into a depressive state and isolating myself further. Neither of which is very productive to trying to live a stable life. I made this hoping that the words would start again. Writing my thoughts and feelings are my strong point. Right now, I have nothing to say and am drained by it all.
  9. aperson

    Something Positive

    @GaleH I understand. It's more of a reminder. That I am safe even if I dont feel it. Not sure that feeling ever goes.
  10. aperson

    Something Positive

    @Bluesclues The name thing is becoming a game of Guess Who lol. I am glad to bring a bit of laughter to you today.
  11. So let's try something positive today. Something that requires no analysis. I hope lol Yayyy for 5 hrs of sleep all at once. I am the master of sleep now lol I found out that my trainer loves to scare the new hires by telling them I am mean. He corrects it later. And I thought it was my RBF (Resting B#$%h Face) I binge watched all the Star Trek Next Generation and Star Trek Voyager. Definitely not a trekkie but these 2 series I have always liked. I am safe. I forgot no ones name today. My co-workers know this is a major accomplishment. I usually call every name until I get the right one. Me - 1 Brain - 2435 😁 I had didnt cuss anyone out. Another great accomplishment. (Good Lord! This is quite difficult) I made someone laugh. They were having a crappy day. I kicked my boss out of her office haha. She hates it. I want to be here. I like the bond I have with the people at my job. They drive me nuts but I can laugh while they do it. My niece (8 yrs old) told her mom that even if her future husband doesnt like that she is picky, he will still love her. She is definitely going to need a patient man smh. Even though it was hot as hell, the wind made it tolerable. Please bring some rain soon. 6 months and I will be at the ocean for a weekend. It's not much but I cant wait to put my feet in the ocean again. My mom has not seen the inside of a hospital for over a year. That first 2 years after her body stopped producing insulin was rough. She has a good handle on it now. Alright, that's enough. This required waaaay more thought than I imagined. Let's see if I can get another 5 hrs of sleep tonight.
  12. aperson

    Forgiveness...

    @patriciag Thank you. I can understand that. A difficult thing for me is to place such blame on them. While I know I shouldnt, I blame myself for it. From the first time until the last. While I would like to think I will one day transfer it to them, I dont believe it will. So in order to progress, I must forgive myself.
  13. aperson

    Need to regroup

    I have done a pretty poor job of making daily entries. Some days have been more difficult than I planned on. Some thoughts have been a lot harder to put in a private public forum. Finding words to express the inner chaos has been trying to say the least. The current theme has been sadness and shame. Sadness is a common daily theme. It never goes away. Planning for a future while trying to come to terms with a past makes a lot of mistakes and errors. Why? The future sometimes is hard to see. Some days future is getting to the next hour. It is hard trying to mask feelings all day and being overwhelmed with them at night. Waking to start over again. Shame. No matter how much I think or someone says I should feel no shame I still do. I get much of it is due to me looking at it from what I know now not then. If I was talking to someone else, I could lay out all the reasons to support what I am saying. For me, there are 'special' rules. I hold myself to a higher standard. It may not be logical to some but it makes sense to me. Most times. There is the physical 'scar' that I see daily. It is one I thought I had begun to heal but that was an illusion. I realize that it has always been an issue. One I can temporarily handle but will always haunt me. How many others see it? I wonder if they will confront me on it? If they do, what will I do? Run. Cry. Hide. I am in need of some 'me' time. Time to myself where I can let the emotions surface without fear of being caught and having to explain. Time to organize my mind. Time to refocus and try to gain some positive feelings back. Wish me luck.
  14. That's what I need to know, to believe. That's the comfort I need to feel. To be safe and held in caring arms. To have, just for a few moments, the worries in my head to melt away. Or at least not matter for a minute. Deep inside I long for this. But a greater fear wont allow that to happen. Amazing how fear can override the deepest of desires. For now, I leave this here, hoping the admission soothes me. I should be asleep but I cant. Another hour and I may as well go to work a few hours early. Find something productive to do.
  15. aperson

    Dear Little One

    Dear Little One, I know you are afraid and confused. I want you to know that is ok. You have some memories that you dont understand. They are very hard to understand for someone so young. Some people hurt you. You were too young to know how to handle it. You are not to blame. When your daddy was acting strange, it was not him. It was the drugs. Because they always taught you to be strong and protect your sister and brother, you did what you had to. You hid them so they were safe. You called for help even if it didnt come quickly. He left you all alone and hungry. When you thought he would be violent you got the 3 of you to safety and just in time. When help came it was hours later. He had come back home and still high. He didnt care about your safety. You didnt cry but it was ok if you did. It is ok if you do now. You were terrified and not protected. You were left to deal with a very grownup problem. You did well. You are safe now. Those other memories are a bit more tricky. I know you see them and you dont understand what they are doing to you. You just know that feels wrong. You thought it would stop but it didnt. It just stopped with him. Others took his place. They did more things the older you got and the more your body develop. Each of them took something from you. You still knew it felt wrong. By now, you thought it was normal. You thought everyone did this but no one talked about it. So you didnt fight it. You did try to avoid it. You shyed away from people especially them. If no one ever told you listen to me. It is not your fault. You are not to blame for what they did to you. You are not to blame for the number of times it happened or number of people. You are not to blame for not fighting. I know this is hard to accept. You do not have to feel guilty or angry because you could have done it differently. You did the best you could. How could anyone expect someone so young to handle what you went through? Would you blame anyone else? I am sorry that you have felt so alone for so long. I am sorry even I placed such adult expectations on you. Forgive me for my actions. Forgive yourself for the blame. Forgive them because they were ill and needed help. Forgive yourself for what happened with your brother. Know that I am here. I committ myself to taking care of you. To hold you when you are scared or feel alone. To provide strength when you feel weak. This is the letter I would have wanted to get from the trapped youngest version of myself. It is hard for me to believe but should be said. The youngest part of me cries from these words but is cautious. One day she may understand and believe it. Now how do I comfort the teenage me? She is less forgiving of herself and others.
  16. aperson

    Forgiveness...

    Forgiveness I am told starts with me. Once I forgive myself then I can forgive those who caused me me pain. I never quite understood what I should forgive myself for. It is difficult for me to feel as if I made an error that caused such an affect and I am supposed to wash the slate clean. That is supposed to remove the guilt and shame I feel. That is supposed to help me open lines of communication that dont exist now. Tonight someone said (not to me) you were a child. Forgive yourself for not know what you did not know. Uh?? I should forgive the young girl for not knowing how to handle the adult situation before her? Why? Because part of the blame I give to that little girl comes from my adult mind's processing. That little girl was lost and afraid. As I got older, I understood what should have happened but that little girl didnt. I should allow the little girl to free herself from the shackles of having to have an adult mind when she wasnt capable of doing so. I should forgive myself for not having developed appropriate coping skills because all I was thought was to conceal anything bad. I should stop blaming her for not being strong enough when she hadnt learned her own strength. She was just trying to figure it out when that happened. Forgive myself for being angry that she wasnt strong enough. In forgiving myself, I would be letting the hold it has over me. I would be able reconcile a broken and shattered person. I would be able to give voice to that which is currently silent. While I am sayng this now, I am still in conflict. Part of me says yes I should do this. A equal part of me says I cannot and I musr be an idiot to try. It all seems so simple. It feels 'idealistic'. In truth there is some hard work behind those words and it all has to be believed. That's difficult as I dont know if I believe it even as I write it. So that is the question of the night. Can I forgive myself? The jury is still out on this.
  17. It's just after 1am and I feel wide awake. Trying not to replay all the day, week year events. Looking for better ways to handle situations. Contemplating future situations and all the possible ways to handle them. That's my daily routine...working out all the should haves, would haves and could haves. Things that wont change what's happened. But it cant be stopped. I imagine what my brain would look like if all the thoughts took a physical form. I imagine that it is an organized, cluttered mess lol. Bookcases full of stories from my past. Books scattered and open on the floor and tables with notebooks, notepads and sticky notes with scribbles of thoughts about the stories. Me huddled under a light reading a book I have read millions of times. Notes made on every page. There's no door so there is no way out but I dont feel trapped. Some times I look at the mess and feel overwhelmed. Sometimes I am grateful that it is as neat as it is. So as I think of the last couple of days, I cant help but think of the difference from last week. I feel less overwhelmed and stressed about work. My agents are coming around after what I call my 'come to Jesus' talks. For someone who enjoys written over verbal, these talks are draining for me. The emotional state is in flux. I am avoiding an issue that requires some immediate attention. I avoid it because the embarrassment and shame of addressing it is pretty great...to me. So much so, I fear I will retreat fully in my thoughts and it will be a huge task to get back to the present. Maybe this weekend I can speak on it to resolve it. Speaking of the weekend, I am looking forward to it. I will have my youngest nephew and it is a holiday weekend in the US. I still havent determined what activity we will do. There is a fair near us that I think they would enjoy. The outdoor time would do the kids good. It's storm season so the should do it before the seasonnpasses and the 100+° weather makes going outside unbearable. I do need to be careful. This US holiday is to honor our deceased soldiers. That has expanded to cover anyone who is deceased by placing flowers at their grave. 2 of the people who hurt me are deceased and both are military veterans. I have to be cautious of the time I spend at their sites. Yes I could not go to their graves and visit others but I have 7 family members who all have plots next to each other. It is difficult to see 5 and not the other 2. I have avoided going a few years but it has pained me to not give my respect. I dont know. Maybe if I can find someone to go with me it will be easier.
  18. The last 2 days have been blah. They were not bad days and there weren't necessarily great days either. I have tried to step back a little bit at work. The stress was mounting and there was no end in sight. Attitude reflects leadership and I am sure my teams attitude in many ways reflects the negative tone I have at times fighting one battle at work after another. It would be nice if they take on some of the positive qualities too like going to work every day on time and giving your all So I am trying to limit my contact with them and when I have to do so it is in a positive light (I hope). There is one who is intent on draining me mentally. She needs a lot of attention and positive reinforcement. Don't get me wrong, I think these are things that a lot of people need so they know they are appreciated and doing well. She just needs more than most. I am working through it. It is teaching me patience and her constant over-analyzing her performance reminds me a bit of myself. I am just not vocal about it. Having done this for the last couple of days has helped me stay less negative. I hope I can keep it up. Even though I am keeping away from people it isn't like I walk around mad either. i engage in conversations when required. I just don't seek them out. The house is much calmer since the 'import' has gone. My nephew's girlfriend at the time was living with us. She did so for a little over a year. She came at a time that her own home life was in turmoil and her relationship with her family was in trouble. She presented herself as one type of person, clean, not lazy, social and with a little anxiety. Over time this wasn't the case though. She was a bit manipulative. And I say this knowing that I care about her well-being and wanted the best for them together and apart but she used her emotions to get her way. She would cry over the smallest things and blow up over even smaller things. Over time, I think we became a place for her to live because she would have been homeless. She would break up with my nephew and then be back in 24 hours or less. I am talking pack all of her stuff in the morning only to have to bring it all back late at night. She said that she had a mental disorder and wanted to get help for it. She stated she needed to be on medication. We made an appointment for her and she blew it off all the while saying that she was hearing things. It just all became a little too convenient for me. I purchased a cell phone for her which she still has and I still pay the bill for. I bought it because she needed one. But seeing what has happened over the last year, I want to be petty and tell her to give me my phone back But I wont. She still needs one for now. I still care about her and don't want to see any harm come her way but we just got rid of drama and turmoil in our house. She was just bringing it back. We all needed a break. Someone gave me some yarn today!!! That made me happy. Her mother has a lot but is at an age that she cannot use it and doesn't remember how. So she brought me some. I cannot wait to use it. I have to finish my current project for a baby family member 1st but I cannot wait to use some of it. So that will be my night. Dinner, Netflix and my crochet needles. I cannot wait to put the finish on this one and give it away. I had planned on starting some things to donate to the local hospital and shelters for winter items. Maybe that is what I will use the yarn I was given, to give back in a way that I know how. Yes, that sounds like the perfect idea!!! Sometimes, I can be so smart!
  19. My sister and I took my niece to the zoo. She hasnt been in a few years. I want her to have a nice of possible. The weather was nice. Warm enough to stay out but cool enough to be tolerable. She had a great time. She loves most animals and learning. It was a good temporary distraction from my troubled thoughts. Will have to figure out the next weekend plan. Water pad? Park? Movie? I am preparing mentally for tomorrow. Not sure I can pull off what I need but I have to try. Maybe starting my shift earlier will help. For the rest of the night I think it will be Netflix & crochet, if my back holds up. 3 hours of walking has it all in knots.
  20. aperson

    Is it me?

    @tuliptorn Thanks
  21. aperson

    Is it me?

    @Bluesclues Yes it will but it is necessary. Thanks.
  22. aperson

    Is it me?

    I think I need to reduce my interactions with people. Maintain minimal contact as required. The problem isnt the world. The problem is me. My negative outlook. My resistance to change. My lack of social skills. The problem is I project it in my face and body and everyone seems to react to it. Continuing to force a situation is just adding further to the problem. Even when I am trying not to cause an issie, it is met with defensiveness. While I hoped that I had improved over the last 20+ years, tje fact is I have not. The people I work with think I am mean. The people I work for think I am incompetent. 'Friends' find me difficult and distant. Family thinks I am an a$$hole. Putting an effort to change these things and keep the hurt inside is not working. So maybe I am just this person. My head says this is a dumb idea. My heart says it must be done. It is the only way to resolve impending conflicts and prevent future issues. It will be hard in some situations but maybe it will provide me some time to fix myself. I am sure most people will be grateful for the change. I will have to think if I need to step down from my job.
  23. This has been a very trying week. My mind has been spinning a thousand thoughts a minute. I am stressed and sleep deprived. Since Sunday, I have gotten 6 hours of sleep. Emotionally, I am on the edge. I lost the ability to control them when one of my managers insinuated that we were no being proactive enough to deal with an ongoing issue. An issue where our hands a pretty well tied. An issue where the people I supervise are tired and worn out. They are in some cases overworked and underpaid and not feeling valued. I get it. I have been there. The manager pushed the right button after 30 mins. I expressed my opinion and the tears rolled. He came to apologize later but the damage was done in my eyes. It was not his questioning but the lack of control I had. I knew I was at my limit.I should have left when the thought first crossed my mind. But I didnt. The rest was inevitable. He did call my manager to say what happened. She was pissed. She told me when I came in today she just knew I was quitting. I told herit was ok and he really said nothing terrible. I also told her she should know me better. I would necer abandon my job that way. I ask my agents to place their emotions and issues to the side to accomplish a task because thats life. I have never asked them to do something I would. I work long 50 a week and am there every day fighting the battles in my head. I care about what I do and the progress that can be seen from it. I want the same from them. Yes, I am tired. Yes, I am stressed. But this is life. I have sh!t to deal with and fight a battle with myself daily. I question my ability. I wrestle with making a decision that could be career ending. I try to be impartial even to those I wouldnt deal with personally. I try to be nice when I just want a corner to hide in. But they would never know. They wouldnt know the days I didnt eat so my niece and nephew could. They dont know that I was wondering how we would pay a bill or get gas for work. That mh sisters ex pulled a gun on her. Or that we had to call police for a physical altercation. That I stayed up all night with a sick niece. That inside I was dying. So it is safe to say I am struggling to maintain. I have avoided many interactions to keep the peace. I closed my ears to the negativity and complaining because they dont see they are not the only ones. I turned some music hoping the thoughts would get distracted and dance or sing along. I struggle to truly be open because the world can see. I struggle to put the emotions out there because I will be weak. Because who else is lurking in the shadows to use it against me. I feel like Elsa in Frozen. Conceal, dont feel.
  24. aperson

    Mondays suck

    Mondays suck. May sucks. 2017 sucks. Tuesday has to be better. That's all I got today.
  25. aperson

    Mother's Day

    Mother's Day has almost ended in the US. I am glad to see it go. While my mama and I have our issues, this isnt my problem with the day. Because I am involved in the lives of my nieces, nephews and some cousins people assume that I appreciate being wished a Happy Mother's Day. Why in the world would I appreciate that? I am not their parent. Their parents are alive and well. I assume the role I should take. I am an aunt but they rely on their mother. I am a cousin but the day to day work belongs to their parents. Why would I want to take anything away from them? Yes, I discipline as required but that is my role as the elder, right? Yes, I do what I can so they dont go without. But again that is part if being family. It doesnt warm my heart to be honored on this day. It actually pisses me off if someone does because I had always hoped to be a parent. Trying to give me something I have not earned is quite annoying. Arguing with me about why I dont want to be honored this way is even worse. Just respect me and keep it pushing. Now, when is Aunt and Cousin's Day?
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