7am thoughts
By aperson,
I am losing at this battle. I have turned further inward. I am cutting people out. I am losing trust and faith and hope. I didnt have a lot of any to start with so losing a drop of any is something I cant afford. I cant/wont speak/write about it. I just want to cry them away. Cry out what I cant put into words. Cry for those things I blame myself for. Cry out of frustration. Cry out of sadness. Cry out of secret depression.
I have lost myself but I think I lost that before I ever knew who I was. Life changed me from finding that to becoming this. Victim mentality? Probably. But in many ways that it what I feel like. Who I was feel victim to what happened. Who I am is trapped by that. Trapped in negative thoughts. Trapped by no progress. That is probably why therapy hasnt worked. That is why I lose those that I get close to. They see my trapped situation for what it is. A person living in a past that they wont let go. And they dont want to be sucked into that hole with me. They dont want to be trapped by a situation they didnt experience. I get it. I understand. I just wish escaping that easy was that simple for me. Even when I am not consciously thinking about it, I still feel it hovering. I then realize that something set that in motion. A movie scene, someone's words, a smell, a touch, a seemingly random thought.
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