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aperson

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  1. aperson
    I have been in a funk of sorts for years now. It's the type of funk that you know you just woke up on the wrong side of the bed. Tomorrow you hope for a better day. But it seems every side of the bed is the wrong side. There are days when I can manage the funk very well. I function at work and participate with family. Then there are the days that I cant really get past it. I cannot say that there is one thing or one emtion. I am just sad and depressed.  I have tried pinpointing what it is but I am just disconnected from everything.
    I only put in the effort that is required for anything I do. I have already told my boss that I dont want to have any real responsibilities. Dont try to promote me for leadership of any kind. That is not what I want. I dont want to have to interact with these people through coachings or supervisor calls or anything other than answering a very simple question. Socially, I would prefer that I just stay home and not have to do anything.
    My appetite over that last few months has been non-existent. I eat a salad because I can tolerate it. It is the one thing I can consistently eat. At least it is healthy and I can hopefully lose some of the weight the doctors want me to. If I lost the desire for cigarettes they would be on cloud 9 I bet. That desire has increased though. I smoke now more than before escpecially when I am working. Working from home is nice except for that piece. If they make me go in the office I have no clue what I would do having to get dressed every single day.
    I thought talking it out would help as well. But that only leaves me more frustrated because I cant find the answer. Writing hasnt been that helpful either. It is just a bunch of rambling that makes no sense. Kind of like this entry. It is like seasonal depression but it is every season. I lay in bed and cry sometimes. I cry for nothing. I cry because i miss my mama. I cry because I have a life long condition that I caused. I know that. I knew the possible consequences. Others  believe the reason is just an excuse or just plain invalid and I should have done better. I cry because I wish I could have done better. I cry because next year I will have to make some difficult decisions again. And again they wont understand the reasoning. I cry because childhood trauma is real and if you dont experience it then you never understand fully. 
    All that I can do is keep trying at some point. Until then I just keep moving. Sometimes, it is forward, Sometimes it is backwards. I just cant stay still. Therapy is currently not an option. Financially it isnt in the cards but most importantly, I have been there and I just cant do it again right now. When the time comes, I will try again. Right now I am just not trusting of the help that it will provide.
  2. aperson

    Life is lifing

    By aperson,


    Life
    Every since I realized that I was having a medical issue, I have had a greater fear of not waking up one day. The diagnosis and treatment were suppose to alleviate this fear. Medical tests showing that my heart is healing and me taking my medications daily should help alleviate that fear. But none of that does many nights over the last 5 months. I have tried to wave that fear off. There is no reason that I should have it currently. Ironically, if you had picked any other day from as far as I could remember through Nov of 2022, I wanted it. Some days really bad and some days for just a fleeting moment. Some nights I just keep doing anything until sleep has no choice but to take over because our bodies and minds require it. Lately when I fall asleep I am startled up. I dont know if that is a dream that woke me, a sound, not being able to breathe or a fear that I had stopped breathing.  Whatever it is, my already late nights and early mornings are turning into later nights and earlier mornings. My normal 5-6 hrs of consistent sleep is turning into 2 hrs now and 2 hrs later. 
    I have talked it over with my doctors at times but I am honestly scared that taking a sleeping aid will be worse. I hear people say that they oversleep on them and work is a requirement because I have yet to win the lottery. Others say they are doing things after taking them and going to bed to find out they have gotten up in the night and cooked or started projects or ordered stuff they dont need or want. I dont want that either because if something happened I wouldnt forgive myself. Anyway at this point I am going to have to work through this fear. It is not completely rational at this stage of the game. I have shown no signs of fluid building back up around my heart in the last 5 months. I have even had another CT scan in the last month that shows everything is all clear and I have nothing to fear. But the doubt still lingers.
    Sadly that doubt sometimes leads to other lines of thought. During that last scan the noticed 2 nodules under my armpit. Those werent there in the scan I had for 4months before. And because the doctor who ordered the scan is a pulmonologist he cant diagnose anything from it. So it is up to my gyno. I had an appointment scheduled for a mammogram and my gyno earlier this month but due to work I had to reschedule for next week and next month. So I will be bringing it up to both of them. My mammogram results should be back by the time I see the gyno. But that concern lays in the back as well. Cancer doesnt really run in my family on my mother or father's side. My dad had 1 sibling who died of cancer and the others in his side are really people who married into the family. Knowing that I am trying to keep calm. I know that not having instances in the family doesnt make me immune, I also have to remember that I have scar tissue there as well. And this could all just be scar tissue showing up that no one noticed before.
    But having that lingering thought is another reason I cant sleep. And I wouldnt be so worried but just 1 1/2 years ago, my dad's wife lost her daughter. She was diagnosed in Nov and was deceased in Mar. News like this would be devasting to them and my siblings having our own mother pass 2 1/2 years ago. Yep, her daughter passed 1 week before my mother 1 year anniversary.  2021 and 2022 were a freaking blast. 😐 
  3. aperson

    What do I need??

    By aperson,


    Life
    As I get older to understand who I am, I find that I am way more complicated than I originally thought. OK, maybe not complicated but definitely more disfunctional than people give me credit for. Today's topic...expressing what I need.
    I can't say that I have ever been told verballly that what I need is not that important. It is  more that I have been made to feel that way. It wasn't said in words explicitly but in actions. When I didn't want to do something or see specific people, I was told I still need to do them. Even when I was committed to a hospital for 30 days as a teenage, I was told day one to do whatever is needed to make this stay 30 days or less. By whatever means were necessary. In 'rebellion' I shut down for 2 weeks and was not allowed to do anything without supervision. So when I am not ok, and someone says, what do you need my mind can't process that they really want to know what I need. Much of the time, I don't even know what I need because I feel like that has never been a consideration and I no longer thought about what I need. Then there are the times that I know what I want. No matter how big or small that need is, I can't ask for it. My mind immediately tells me that is not a good idea to ask. Asking means you won't' receive it. And it is not because the person cannot give it but because they won't give it. They won't give it because you are not worth giving it to.
    So I am in need. I know what is needed to fulfill that need. But I have no one to express that the need exists. That I am not ok. That I haven't been ok for a while but where the mask needed to manage day-to-day life. I feel ashamed and embarrassed even having a need that I am unable to fulfill myself. It makes going to therapy, a person who is equipped to help me express those needs, difficult. That inner dialogue says that person doesn't care either. When I leave, there is no further thought to who I am or what I need. Even writing this is a struggle. It is means I have to express a need. A need to be seen. A need to be heard. A need to feel worth it. A need to know that someone cares. A need to have someone (anyone) know that I am not ok and bordering to a severe depression.
    The challenge I face daily trying to undo the feelings of not being worthy in this world is overwhelming. It is hard. I keep thinking that if I can tackle these things in pieces that it would make me feel less overwhelmed. But that inner demon seems to always win. The negative talk in my head is way louder than it has ever been. And I know this and I still can't fight it. It is a challenge when  at work too. I am in a position that if I wanted to shine with this new product, I could. But I don't. I do the minimal needed.  My boss thinks this is me shining. If she only knew how much more I could shine if I put in the effort.
    My recent medical issues are also not helping. I spent nights at home scared because I couldn't breathe. The adults in my household noticed nothing until I one day told them I am going to urgent care. Even then no one was bothered to come with me. As it turned out, I was referred to the ER and was then admitted to the hospital. During my time there, they hardly called and came for one visit. Because I felt less important, I couldn't say I needed someone there. I had never spent a night in the hospital for any reason. This reason was life or death and I still wasn't worthy. I cried during admission. I cried every night until I was released. The nurses were more caring than my own family. I was scared and I felt alone. It reinforced my feelings. 
    So how do I overcome this challenge? I am not sure I have the answer, at least not today. I know that recognizing this as an issue is the first step to trying to grow as a person. I will keep trying. Trying will result in a successful attempt eventually. Not trying is just giving up. I don't know that today is the day that I try. Maybe tomorrow when I am a bit less emotional about the need. A day when, if rejected, I will be in a safer mental space. Or maybe I am once again allowing that negative talk convince me I am not important enough still. Today, tomorrow or weeks from now will not change anything. I want to do this because I would like to have less depressed days. I would like to be able to have more empathy for others. That is hard to do when many times you find it hard to empathize with yourself. If I cannot learn to fulfill my own needs, how effective am I in helping others get their needs fulfilled.
    UGHHHH!!! This trying to be a better human is hard. 
  4. aperson
    It has been a difficult last few months. The emotions for making it through yet another milestone were greater than I thought they would be. Dealing with my own grief has been hard but about 2 weeks before my mom's anniversary, my dad's wife lost her only daughter. She had been diagnosed with a very agressive form of cancer in Nov and had been going through chemo as well as having a mastectomy.  Everyone thought that things were looking up until she had a fall, The fall caused a wound to open and she bled out. No one realized how dangerous this fall was and she didnt hint to how much pain she may have been in with it either. Unfortunately, her body could no longer take it and she passed away. So in the midst of dealing with our own grief we are now tasked with helping her through her grief as she has no other daughters but does have 2 sons. Their relationship is kind of strained for other reasons. It is hard to put your own grief on the back burner to try and help someone with theirs. In both my biological siblings and my siblings through marriage, I am the oldest. While I shouldnt be taking on that role in many ways it felt like I needed to take on the role while trying not to step on her biological kids toes. To go from a funeral 1 week to a 1 year anniversary was a lot mentally for me.
    While on the outside I appeared to be handling it ok, on the inside I was a mess. I reached out to my therapist one night and just told her how I was feeling and that turned into another mess. I told her of my thoughts and lack of planning but she felt that the thoughts I had were enough to show I was very much considering a plan. While on the phone with her she contacted the police who arrived ar my door followed by an ambulance. I hung up with her to try and resolve it with them. They did leave but spent an additional 20 mins sitting outside my house. I dont know why or if they were waiting by chance I would still do something. I text her to let her know I was still safe and cried all night. I was upset because it felt like a betrayl of my trust. I felt like I reached out for help and the help that was given was even more of a threat to me. I know her obligations legally but I was just being honest. again honesty can get you in more trouble than just going with the flow and not letting anyone know. It took a couple of weeks for us to discuss it and I agreed to not planning anything. I just never felt like there was a plan from my perspective and I was reaching out to prevent a plan from being made. I had to explain to her what that looks like for me. I think she understood but even though I have had the thoughts since then, I have never shared it again. Unfortunately, this all happened on the anniversary which I still had to handle the celebration we had planned. But I hadnt really slept and I wasnt looking forward to 'celebrating' anything. But the time comes for the celebration and I wait at the cemetary for the 100 balloons they are bringing before they close. I get them and immediately lose 15 balloons due to the wind. I tried being careful as a few family showed up but I lost another 40 ballons in the prpcess. The last set was the last straw for me. I broke down. None of them had seen me cry before so they really didnt know what to do. But I gathered myself and took back control because I am stronger than that, right? Wrong. We did the graveside celebration and were leaving to go to dinner. My car wouldnt start. My battery had died. I was done. I no longer wanted to participate but my dad reminded me that I have to go and he would take me if he had to. So again I gathered myself and acted strong to be with the rest of them but I was only physically there. Mentally I was broken and lonely.
    And it feels like even now that people think that because we made it through the 1 year anniversary that this is the easier part. The fact is it isnt. I just feel less inclined to talk about it because people have heard it already and to them it is 'old news'. To them I should be over the worst part and be ok. Or at least healing. But I dont feel any of that. What I feel is their desire for me to be over it so they can stop hearing about it. So instead I just stop talking about it but my mind and body knows all those feeling still exist because I still cant sleep at night. I still have dreams that I cant feel ok with. I still miss her daily. I still think of the things she is missing out on. I have had a medical issue of and on for that last 10 years and it feels like the final solution for me includes a surgery. I have never had a surgery and my mom not be there to see me off and when I woke up. She asked the dr things I never thought of. She knew the results and what was found and next step if any. I have only had 2 surgeries in my life and I am terrified to go to sleep and not wake up. This time if I go, I am not sure that I would want to wake up and that is a disastrous thought. And if I do and she is not there, I am not sure that I would care about any of it. I am only considering the surgery because I know if she was here she would tell me to do it because she wouldnt want me in a life threatening situation of have a disease that if had been caught earlier could have been helped. 
    Then there the thing that is always lingering somewhere....my past trauma situations. They are always there. Initially, it was so hard for me to separate the 2 (grief and the trauma). They were so intertwined that thoughts of one meant thoughts of the other. Now they are not intertwined but some of the emotions that they each bring can lead me to the other. Being able to control that to maintain some kind of appearance of stability is hard. My therapist has been great in keeping me working on distractions that I can use since talking about either is hard but at this point those distractions are just that. They are temporary. They only hold off until I finally fall asleep. So before she went on vacation for 2 months out of the country, she asked what I wanted to work on. I told her that we were going to have to do my least favorite thing in the world and that was deal with my past. I set her some ground rules because I am not sure that she knows what to do with me at times. She was ok with them except it wasnt going to beneficial to start at the time because we were going to be missing 2 months of sessions and that there were 2 weeks that she would not be available either. Now that she has been gone for 6 weeks, I am not sure that I want to do that any more. I have had time to think and I dont know that this is the right thing. What if she doesnt believe me? What if she judges me for the things I did? What if she gives up because I am too complicated? What if I cant believe that moving into a more stable me is possible? Too much time for me to think of the what ifs and how devastating they will be if any of them come true.
    While she has been gone I have returned to going back to church. I will be the first to admit that I have lost that connection I once had. There was a time that I participated in church without anyone asking or telling me. Even when I felt out of place among the other youth I still went because there was one person there who loved me flaws and all, GOD. Over the years that has dwindled. After mama I lost much of it all together. I feel He exists. I know that He works things out for others but I feel like I am now out of place with Him. I feel like those flaws that he once loved for their ability to make me unique are the same flaws that he looks at me with disgust. i am not the child He created and the actions I have taken over my life have proved to him that I am not worth the effort any more. Instead of putting me out of my misery though, he keeps me in Hell on earth. I terribly miss that connection. I thought returning to church would help. I had hoped returning to church would help. When I go, I have to do what I can to not look for her. I hope there is no one that can see what I think is written all over my face....He doesnt love me and finds me unworthy. But I go because my mama would want me to go. Because one day that old feeling will return. Because one day I will feel worthy again.
    But until then I am just trying to function through the depression. I am just doing the things I have to do in order to seem like everything is normal because no one can fix this broken human. No one can love me, like me, make me feel worthy. I dont feel like forgiveness is something that I should be allowed to have from myself or from others. All I want is to have a period of time in which none of this matters so much. That I am not walking through the life i have left being someone that is not true to who I am whatever that is. Every milestone I have been met with is still a trigger the 2nd time around for grief and I cant count the number of times for the trauma. I really dont understand how others do it. How do they get through it and I cant? Why them and not me? 
  5. aperson

    I am not ready for this

    By aperson,


    Life
    This week marks the beginnning of Mama getting sick, finding out it was COVID, being hospitalized and leaving us. I thought I would be prepared for this but I am not really. Friday is the day that she began getting sick. It's the day that this nightmare began. It is still so hard to believe that she isnt here and many days I find that the only way to get through it is to pretend she is and I just am not going to talk to her that day. The realization of anything different is so much more painful.
    We finally got her grave marker placed. It was then that I realized that I told every one the wrong site for nearly a year. I use the excuse that there isnt much I recall about that moment. The moment they placed her there. No one has been upset about it. They find it funny even when they felt something was off themselves. I on the other hand am struggling not to blame myself for the mistake. It feels as if I just slapped her in the face with disrepect and disregard. Neither are my intention or my desire but that is what it feels like. So I am trying to use some of the positive thought processes I have been shown in therapy. It doesnt always work. Most of the time it quiets the voice from a yell to a normal tone until it woint be ignored any longer. I did panic when I figured it out though. Full tears and screaming into a pillow to not wake the rest of the house. I dont really want to do therapy this week but I am going because I am trying to hold myself accountable to a committment. She keeps telling me that it is the only way....to come despite the pain. It always feels like I am in pain lately though and I dont like it.
    I thought after knowing the marker was in the right place now that I might feel some peace about all of this. But I dont.  I dont feel any more comforted by it. I thought that maybe that is why she wont visit me in my dreams. All those who have gone that I was close enough to have come to see me at some point. She hasnt so I thought maybe she is mad about the grave site. But she still hasnt come and I am disappointed by it. Logically I know that this isnt really how it works but emotionally that is what I keep expecting and get disappointed by. My sister says she feels more at peace at the right site. My brother says he feels different when he walks to the right site. I just dont and I am not sure what if anything that says about me or my relationship with her. What I keep thinking is that it shows how disconnected I am feeling wit her spirit even though i want to be connected with her spirit desperately. Like so much so that if this goies on for too much longer I could find myself being scammed by someone who can read that need for a connection.
    Sleeping at normal hours is already becoming an issue for me. I may get a few hours of sleep after work and cooking dinner but after that I am up all night just waiting for my alarm clock to go off so I have work to keep me occupied. And that is on the good day when I can get 3-4 hrs of sleep. I am used to getting less sleep than I require but at least I got it after 1-2 am and not at 7pm. Being up at that time is also the more dangerous time mentally for me. There isnt anything to do and no one is up so there isnt much to occupy my mind and I just lay there trying to sleep and thinking of her. I am also afraid that I am going to either have a big breakdown if someone says the wrong thing or I am going to shut down completely. Neither is a good option for me. Maybe I can talk with the therapist to see what she thinks are some good tools to use to try and prevent or minimize either one.
    The closer we get to March, the more I just want to sleep for the next 4 weeks and not deal with any of this or anyone. I already know that her sisters will be contacting us to see how we are handling it. I really just want to be zoned out for the entire process. I want to be able to not have memories that I  need to try and block out of my mind. This isnt realistic I can say now but if it were possible, I would be the first in line and pay whatever they ask. I am already forgetting things like what she sounded like angry or happy. I am forgetting everything but the time she was sick through her not being here. Those 4 weeks I can recall pretty accurately and can picture each moment that I was afraid and worried of the outcome. I can recall crying in the hospital parking lot when they gave her the diagnosis. I can recall crying that night and reaching out to a friend to pray for her to be ok. I can remember when she wanted me to call my brother so she could just talk to him even though she was very sick then. I remember her calling my sister before she got in the ambulance to let her know she was going to the hospital. I remeber having to help her get in bed and go to the restroom. And when she didnt make it, cleaning her up. I remember the first time I saw the cardinal in her backyard and thinking this may not turn out well. I remember it all and I dont want to. I dont want those memories to be the ones I am left with. I dont want her face in the hospital to be the last thing I see when I close my eyes at night. I dont want to feel like I gave up on her even though she said many of times that she never wanted to be kept on machines if doctors knew there was nothing more they could do.
    She told us from a young age her final wishes and every one that I could fill I did. And now I can watch anything that shows a mother/daughter relationship without feeling bad. Now I cant be around her sisters who I love dearly without feeling sad. I miss her something terrible and there isnt anything that anyone can do to make that hurt any less. They cant bring her back. They cant reverse time so that I can make different choices to try and stop all of this. They cant erase the blame that I feel every day before and since. None of that seems to be going away. I dont know what alternate universe I ended up in but I dont like it here and I want to go back to my right time. The time where everything wasnt perfect but at least I had more time with her and she had more time here. That is my daily unanswered prayer. 
  6. aperson
    It has been 318 days since she passed and I cant say that it has gotten easier to handle. Every turn seems to be some event that she isnt hear for that just sends my mind into a tailspin and further into depression. Just as i think I am starting to heal and accept it, something happens. Those first 5 months were horrible. I lost a lot of sleep and I was just in a fog trying to get through each day. Then it seemed to get to where I could sleep but each monthly anniversary would send me into at least a week of depression. Then came the holidays which I dont know if I survived really or I just pushed every possible emption down so i could make sure everyone else enjoyed the day.
    I thought having a prject to do would help so I started working on the craft room I so desparately wanted for years now. I painted that room by myself for weeks. I got some storage going and started planning out the space. Then My sister said, we need to frame her picture. I broke down around the holidays and finally did it. I had hoped that it would make me feel better but it didnt. i havent lookd at that picture since her services. it sat in the craft room hidden behind a large mirror becuse looking at it was too painful. How I even got it to the store to be framed is a mystery. I carried it with so much care and talked to it about how it would be sitting in the car and made sure she was facing outside but I still never looked at it. We got it framed and brought it home. it is not in it's permanent spot but it cant just be hidden either. I havent been back in that craft room except to look for something since. My sister and her boyfriend have really taken it over as a craft room for her and a computer room for him.
    IHer pictures are every where it seems. Sociual media, phones, randomly around the house. I just stop looking in those spaces unless I have to. I have avoided people and places becuse I dont want to run into anyone she knows and they ask about her and I have to say the words that I dred. Those words cut deep. But her not being here put aside for a long while those other thoughts that would eat at me daily. I replaced one traumatic event with another and I was ok with it because this event was acceptable. But now it has been almost a year and the 2 events are feeding off each other. One event cant seem to exist without the other and what had been a passing thought is now very much active again and I am not sure some days whether I am coming or going.
    I started seeing a therapist very early on to help with the grief process. Set up the first appointment before we even had her services because I know how I can be. It has been nearly a year for that as well and although I have shared somethings, I am still holding back. i am almost certain my therapist would like to take my shoulders and shake me to try and knock some sense in me. She sighs at me each session. i am sure she is not certain where I fit in the plan of treatment. I always think she is 1 session from either dropping me as a client or having me placed on an involuntary hold somewhere. So to avoid it I dont say certain things or I wear a mask to hid everything else I am feeling. I have started not sleeping again recently and I know it is because I am holding back for fear that I will be rejected for the thoughts I do have. 
    I have avoided telling her when i have thoughts of unaliving myself or when I do things that may put me in physical danger because she seems too concerned. If that is what you want to call it. I only tell her when the thought has passed for sure and I no longer feel that way. I guess that kind of defeats the purpose a bit. People look at you very differenty when you say those things even if you dont feel that way at that very moment.
    But today is a therapy day. I an extremely anxious about it and I dont really now how to say anything that I have been feeling over the last week or so. I have been trying to cry but no tears seem to come. I tried to distract myself but since I cant go into the craft room there are are crafts I cant do. Watching movies seems to make things a bit worse. I keep picking the wrong moview. It seems innocent enough and then BOOM....trigger. So now all of my hard work concentrating on the movie is null and void. I have been trying to now stay with things I have already watched before so i know when the trigger may come or that there isnt any trigger at all. Funny thing is there are things that didnt trigger me that all of a sudden do. Any parental relationship, good or bad is a trigger. Cheating spouse? Trigger. Serious illness? Trigger. Recovering from a serious illness? Trigger. Trying to 'find yourself'? Trigger. Not finding yourself? Trigger. Sexual encounters are always a trigger. I hate that one with a passion. Family reuniting after some argument? Trigger. EVERY. THING. IS. A. TRIGGER.
    I am sitting here at work right now and all I can think if how nice it would be if I could just lay down and sleep until therapy today. Yeah, i know. it's depression and getting worse daily. People tend to tell me when i say i am having such a difficult time processing that may be I am just not ready because the fear doesnt outwiegh the need for healing. Then I saw no and push through the fear to try and participate but I have a limit before I shut down. then they say that is the uncomfortable pain that i I have been avoiding and I should keep trying.  I am confused about which I should be doing. Do i keep trying because it is supposed to feel this painful to get to the other side or do i stop because I am not ready? And what does ready look like? All I know is that I stay in constant battle internally. I go to therapy because I want to feel better but feel so fearful that I close up and then it just hurts. Then i say i am not ready to myself but have to try and remember that there is never a 'ready time'. but if there is no ready time then how do I know that i am ready even when it hurts so bad? It is chaos and madness.
    I wrote this hoping that it would help ease the battle in my head for the last several months. It hasnt. My stomach is churning still. My anxiety is still very high. I still feel like there is soemthing not being said for fear it will cause an issue.
  7. aperson

    7 Months.....

    By aperson,


    Life
    People keep saying that with time the grief gets easier. That the triggers are less.  I am not finding that to be so true. It has been 7 months since she passed and almost 8 months since I heard her voice. Every day is still a struggle. A struggle to not think about her. A struggle to not miss her. Every day I try to project to the rest of the world that everything is ok. That I am healing. that I am learning to accept her not being here. the fact is that every day I am trying not to show the world that a part of me is dying every day that I cant talk to her. That every day I am one trigger away from a break down. 
    I talk to it mostly with the therapist now but the fact is I dont tell anyone else. While they say they understand, it is very difficult to be supportive while someone is needing that support most of the day. It is difficult to keep your own mental self safe when trying to help someone with their mental state that is very fragile. Drawback is that internally I struggle every day. i keep trying to find things to do to keep me occupied in other ways. Things that require just enugh thought that I cant concentrate on feelings. I went ahead with the craft room in our house because it was a large project to keep me busy. The painting and deciding on needs would keep me searching for the right items for hours. The actual painting kept me focuse don something else. That is almost done (have to save for the next big purchases). Then it was changing the locks in the house. Had to scrap that because what i want, I cant have and I am not keen on settling right now. I started a diamond art project because I knew it would take time. I started small because I was afraid that it would be something I would scrap day 2 but I completed it in 4 days. Now I need a bigger one to do.
    Crocheting would be next but I find I think more when doing that if I dont have something interesting to watch while doing it. I have been watching tiktoks to pass the time. I watch it so much that now my phone has screen burn from it. Most days I am just looking for motivation to do something other than stay in the bed and sleep, cry or think about her. The therapist says that I should keep talking about her and keep doing these things to feel like I return to normal. What it really feels like is I am just avoiding my feelings or erasing her from my world. 
    It doesnt feel like 7 months. It feels like 2 days most of the time. It still feels unreal. I  still think ot things I do during the day that I want to reach out and tell her about it. I want to send her a picture of the craft room. I want to show her our new fridge. I want to tell her I paid off my car and did it a few months early. I want to tell her so much because that is what I would normally do. The family trip to the cabins showed me how deep I am still in this grief. Over 100 family memebers and all I wanted was 1 person to be there. I just wanted her. I was disconnected from the rest of them.
    I stopped taking the Sunday night car rides and visiting her every chance I could because I felt like it was making me worse than helping. I have my keepsake urn rings that I keep on a chain. I have broken the chain 2 times now. I hold the rings when I sleep because I think they comfort me. Not sure if they really do or not. The monthly annoversary of her passing is a struggle fo rme. I can sense the day coming just by the change in my mood each day. I dread it. I spend the day trying to not feel like the day has any meaning to me. I avoid all social media that day. I have been avoiding social media since March 15th. 
    I miss her a lot. There is one important thing that I never got the chance to tell her. I will never get to tell her. I keep putting that thing out of my mind too. My sister is upset with me because I havent gotten her memorial poster framed yet. I dont even want it up let alone carry it in my car to take to the store and pick ut a frame for her. If I frame it she will want it put up and I cant handle that. I cant have a nearly 3ft picture of her up on a wall so i see it daily. I dont want to stare into the eyes that I will never see again with life and love. I dont want to stare into her smile that everyone loved. I got sick a month ago. Really our whole house. I wondered if it was COVID. I didnt want to be checked for COVID. If it was I was ok with not surviving it because it seemed fitting. I was ready to not fight the impending illness that would come with it. I was prepared to see her again. It wasnt COVID. I was last to get ill and none of the others had it. Just a nasty respiratory infection that affected each of us a bit differently. I am still trying to regain my voice after losing it for a day or 2. 
    I am writing this because I havent written anything in weeks. It feels like a pity party that I am the only one who wants to attend. But after writing this I am going to try and go to sleep only to stay up and eventually cry myself to sleep for lack of anything else to do. Writing use to bring some comfort. It doesnt much any more. 
    Time heals all wounds they say. It really doesnt. The wound never really heals. Every once in awhile you hit it on something and it hurts all over again. 
  8. aperson

    ..........

    By aperson,


    Life
    This grieving thing is way harder than I imagined it would be. It is harder than other people portrayed it to be. I have had other deaths before, grandmothers, aunts, cousins but I have never experienced grief in this manner. I have never felt the grief that comes with the loss of a parent. When I thought it would happen was another 15-20 years from now. Time enough that I could say that she enjoyed her life and got to have a long life. Instead, she was gone before she could even get to old age. There were things I needed her to know but I wasnt ready or prepared to tell her those things. As I have gotten older, I have gotten better at the I love yous but there was so much more that she needed to know and understand. She never got the chance to say goodbye and while we were there when she took her last breath, I feel cheated in not getting a chance to say goodbye as well. She wasnt there by the time we got to see her. The only thing keeping her alive were the machines, breathing for her to keep her heart pumping the toxic blood through her veins. And admittedly, I am just not happy with how she left us. the timing, the cause, the lack of the hospital being accommodating to allow us to get her anxiety down when this could have been a life or death situation. 
    But knowing all of that, I am still left with trying to handle where we are now. And I just cannot do so. It is a separate hurt to have to utter words about her in the past tense. Most of the time I avoid it if I can. When I do use past tense, i do it for other people. To shield them from the fact that I dont accept the past tense when it comes to her. Shortly after last seeing her, I decided that my mental state had already been fragile in trying to deal with this and I was going to need some assistance. During a pandemic, I just didnt know how that would work. I was already uncomfortable with the thought of being around other people and exposing myself. it has always been an issue to verbally express feelings to a stranger. it didnt matter that I sought them out for that reason. So I knew that my job offered services like this. The service they offered presented me with options for online therapy. it gave me the ability to choose chats, phone calls and video. This was perfect for me because I do much better when I can write it down versus speaking it. I have been attending these sessions sporadically since March. There are things that i have made off limits. It is a boundary that I needed in place in order to not feel the added pressure. The more that I do the sessions the more painful it was becoming. So i purposely took a small break. I tried to shut off my inside voices and avoided the outside voices as well. Was I always successful at it? No. But I needed to be able to remain functional in the world and that was the best solution I could for what felt like a very immediate and urgent need. They were screaming for attention that I could not give.
    I went back to counseling. it probably wasnt the best day to go back. The weekend had already been bad and that carried over into the next day as well. I wasnt sleeping well to start and had already been up for over 36 hrs. I had a question about the things that I had placed off limits. I needed to know that because I had such emotions about that as it related to her if getting through grief was possible without resolving those really big emotions as how they relate to her. The answer I really felt was a no. You can get by but would you ever move past it without resolving that? And that is basically what she told me. She said that depending on how big the emotins were and how much I felt comfortable with what grief looked like without addressing that were the determining factors. If it was big enough and couldnt be overcome, then the grief would be managable but not resolved. I had to determine if that would be enough. She has no idea what the emption is but I do and for me it is big. At that moment I couldnt breath. She kept reminding me to breath slowly and remain present. That was all hard to do but now I was unfocused. I could no longer see a viable path to an end and it was all too much. It took nearly 20 mins to compose myself to a semi-functioning and coherent person. And since that time I have remained in that semi-functiong coherent state. I exist in the world because I must at this point. I dont want to talk to anyone but I have to work. I only got about 4 hrs of sleep last night and my brain is mush. I am physically drained from lack of sleep. I am emotionally drained by life. 
    As with most things what i want and what I seem capable of never match. I want to be a mentally healthy person. It just doesnt seem like that is possible. Everything feels so....big and heavy. Some days the act of having to open my eyes and welcome another day of that mental weight is enough to make me want to close them again. Writing is not helping. I have become so inconsistent about too. Talking aobut it seems hard. It is hard to utter those words. It feels like a poor excuse for attention. Thinking about it just makes me upset with myself because the thoughts or voices in my head only can repeat the negative things. it just feels like no one understands and I am doing this alone most days. I keep trying to be strong. Everyone is battling something and my something is no worse than their something. When you have a whole family that is grieving, who do you get to talk to aobut your grief without it becoming their grief?
    Even now I am sensoring myself. Why is that? This is only for me. I expect no outside judgement and any judgement i place on myself was there long before this. So why cant I just allow myself to say what I want and feel whatever it is i feel? This is why I feel like I will always be grieving.
  9. aperson
    I keep trying to deal with her death and it is a struggle. I started therapy a couple of weeks ago to yry and prevent some severe depression. I have had 2 sessions and I cant say it is helping or not. The time until her services was horrible including the day she passed. The time sense is a fog.
    I spend much of my day trying to ignore that she isnt here any more. The rest is spent thinking of her. My home phone we never use so I havent checked the voicemail in years. I was going through it and found a message she left from 4 years ago. Of course I listened to it and then I realized I almost forgot what she sounded like. I havent heard her voice in over a month now. Tears immediately formed and because I am a glutton for punishment,  I playedit 4 times. The message wasnt even for me. It was for my niece. This is 1 of 4 messages I have saved. Another is on my cell phone and it is from the day she found keys after not knowing where they were for almost a week lol. The last 2 are not so great but I can delete then. The first is when she was home before going to hospital and she was calling me to come help her get back in bed. The last is 2 mins of her crying another day because I didnt hear her needing my help in the middle of the night. She was tired and her crys are soft but I hear her and then hear when I came in to help her. The last 2 messages I cant listen to any more but I cant delete them either.
    See it isnt just about losing my mom. It is losing her and me being at fault for that. I was so certain I would make sure she was involved in her own care that I didnt do everything I could to keep her safe. I am normally the mean one and can get her to a dr. But I knew she was feeling depressed because of the strokes and not being as mobile has she was so I was attempting to give her some control back. I didnt take control soon enough though and now she isnt here. One of my aunts says I failed her. My siblings say I took great care of her. If I took good care of her she would still be here and this pain wouldnt.
    So now I try to remember the good things and see her face but all I remember is the last month of her life where she needed an advocate and I wasnt there. I remember seeing her in the hospital with more tubes and IVs going through her than I ever have before. The blank stare she had knowing there was nothing we could do for her now. Knowing that sbe said she didnt want to die and I was about to watch her do just that. I had hoped that the viewing before her cremation would erase those horrible memories but it didnt. When I see her, I see the day she died. 
    I keep trying not to focus on her too much because I am afraid I will break. I will fall apart and I dont know if I can recover from that and the other stuff too. So I keep trying to hold it in and let it out in spurts. Pieces of the whole. But it never seems to be enough. I am afraid to speak about her because the gates may open and it will all just come out. I also dknt want to be the broken down one. So they call or text to check on us and I am always ok. They cant bring her back.
    I say it alot but this all seems so unreal. Like I fell into some alternate world and I dont know how to get back to my world. In my real world she is here and ready to celebrate her 62nd biryhday and Mother's day. We are begging her for gift ideas that she will magically think of a week before each so we scramble to fulfill her wish. I would be teasing her about matching her underwear to her clothes. I would be complaining that I called her and she gave me a dry hello but would hear her grandkids and her attitude changed. Telling her for the millionth time I am hers and she should always greet me like she misses me. I miss her smile. I miss her laugh. I even miss her fussing about something as stupid as me not wearing socks or as serious as my hygiene. I miss her. I cant look at her pictires which my sister has conveniently placed all in the house. 
    I got her ashes on Friday for our keepsake jewelry thinking it would help. I remember being surprised by the fact that it really didn't look like I thought but not being comforted having them with me. I want to go to her grave bit again I am afraid I will breakdown and not want to leave. And I know I have to. 
    So I have blocked feeling the emotikns to the point that I am becoming numb. And I know that isnt a good place to be either. But I am lost on what to do and how to do life without her.  I know that the thing to say is it will take time and it will get better. I dont want to take time and I dont want it to get better. I just want it back the wah it was.
  10. aperson

    What I Accomplished Today

    By aperson,


    Life
    Because a really great friend sent me something to lift my spirits today and it helped, I think I should list the positives for the day (no matter how small)
    I laughed today - I genuinely laughed and smiled. I dont even remember what for (probably a silly TikTok) but I did it and that is what matters.
    No tears today -  It hurts and I miss her still but I didnt cry and that is ok. It doesnt mean I dont miss her any more or less than the day before or that I have forgotten her.
    I was productive - I finally did someone's taxes that I have been holding on for about 3 and a half weeks. I sat done and did it even though it only took about 15-20 mins to do. It is one less item on the to-do list.
    I ate and drank today - I didnt have to think about it. I didn't have to wonder when the last time I ate or drank. I just did it and I didnt need someone to sit with me while I did it. Something I havent done consistently for 2 weeks now.
    I watched a TV show and actually paid attention to it - I havent done that in nearly a month and I enjoyed the show.
    I got out the house - It was just to the store but I did it without feeling like it was a burden to even get dressed to do it.
    I woke up on time - Getting to sleep is a task so waking up with enough time to actually start work is a job well-done in my book.
    I sat outside and enjoyed it - LOL this one will change when the weather really heats up and the bugs come out but I sat on the porch and enjoyed the fresh air.
     
    It's a short list but they are things that have been hard to enjoy since that day. I know that tomorrow may not be this good. I know tomorrow could be even better.  One day the list will be longer and then I can look back at it as that being an accomplishment too. For now, these things give me hope that one day it wont hurt as much.
  11. aperson

    Erasing her from the world

    By aperson,


    Life
    Her husband seems to want to erase her from his life quickly. I just dont understand it. I know everyone grieves in their own way but he seems to want to erase every trace of her after her services. I am trying to hold on to every memory I can. Most of the time I am trying to keep her alive. Her things, I want them. Her pictures, I want them. Her things, I want them as she left them. At least let me accept that she is gone first. 
    So Sunday I am going to pack up her things. I am going to pavk away my mom and what we dont or cant keep will be donated. Strangers will have parts of my mom. Strangers. If I could keep them all I would. I would hold on to them all anc not let them go.
    He has to handle it his own way. He has to live in the house they shared and sleep in the bed they shared. He has her things as a daily reminder and I have to remember  that is a different kind of hurt. One I may never understand. I just am not ready to let go so quickly. I could probably never touch it and be ok. 
    This grief thing is complicated. No one seems to be on the same path or even going to the same end. It is so lonely walking this direction alone. My sister wants her facr face everywhere.  I cant look at them. She is on a different path. I am not sure about my brother. He has been the most stable of us which is funny since we worried about him the most. Her sisters are all about this is God's will. I think God got sidetracked.  
    I know there really isnt a wrong way to handle grief.  I just we were in more similar spaces. 
  12. aperson

    Struggling

    By aperson,


    Life
    I hate to admit it but i am struggling. The days between my mom's death and burial of her ashes were manageable.  There was something to do each day. Now that is done, I find it harder to cope. I feel like I failed her on the last thing she asked of me. Daily I think of reasons to call her and each time is followed by she cant answer. I wanted to call her to share that her first great grandchild was born but I couldnt. He was born the night of her viewing. 12 hours before we were to put her ashes in the ground. She was so excited to be a great grandparent even though she would always be known as Memaw to them. They had the babies first name but never had a middle name until the day he was born. She would be jumping for joy knowung the last time she asked for a namesake, she got it.
    At her viewing I panicked first time looking at her. I left the building trying to not hyperventilate.  I couldnt breathe and had to escape. She looked like herself just sleeping with a smile on her face. When I composed myself, I just went in and sat with her. I tried to hold her hand one last time but she was cold and hard and I immediately pulled back. She didnt look cold or hard so it startled me. I didnt want to leave her. She spent 18 days alone in the hospital. The 19th day was her last and I spent that last 5 hrs with her.
    The night before her services, I talked to her for hours. I showed her the shoes I bought. I knew she would live them because it was her style. I told her how my brother was trying to dress her in some god-awful sweater that didnt match anything. I told her I was sorry and one day I would tell her the truth of why I am the way I am. I waited for her to answer but she never did.
    The evening after her services, my cousins got together at my brother's house.  I was ill through mist of it and laid in my brother's bed listening to them. I kept thinkung how she would live seeing all of them here and having a good time together. She would smile knowing befire they left to go home, they would come see her first. And knowing none of that would happen again hurt my heart.  
    I miss her more and more every day. I started therapy because I needed tools to keep me safe. It's early but I am ready to give up on it. I am trying not to because I toldmy brother and sister that I would be there for them day or night. If they cant give up, neither can I. It's so hard using past tense for her. I feel like that means all hope is lost and she is gone forever.  I cant let go of the small hope this is the worst nightmare ever and I just cant wake up. I cry at night because the nightmare happened. I cfy when I wake because the nightmare is still happening. I just cant believe she is gone and this was the plan all along. 
    I regret not seeing the signs or not understanding what they meant. I thought it would be someone else. I never thought it would be her. I have reached out to one person. She lets me cry. She sits in silence. She talks and lets me be silent. She shows kindness and is thd only person I have honestly and fully answered the question of how I am doing. But I have been relying on her for the last few weeks anf that is unfair to her. I know I am a lot without yhis and eith this I am emotional overload as I can get stuck in a thought and not let go. I appreciate her more than she could ever know or imagine. So I will give her a break. At some point I will have to learn to handle these feelings on my own. 
    If I could rewind to Dec 2020 and stop the things that led to this, I would. I would stop the strokes. Then she wouldnt need someone at her home 24hrs a day. She wouldnt need physical and occupational therapy. COVID wouldnt have found its aay into her home and into her system. She would still be here giving me hell about talkjng to her granddaughter.  I could ask her what dhe wanted for Mothrr's day and her birthday and she would give the same line, I dont want anything. And like always last minute she would think of something she wanted. And the 3 of us would make it happen.
    I just dont know how I am supposed to continue. How are we suppose to go through her things and erase her presence from the world? Like how does the sun still rise and fall like my entire world didnt just fall apart 2 weeks ago? How does the world not stop and try to fix what is now broken? 
    And in dealing with this, the other things come up and I just cant process it all right now. I am failing her again because she cant be proud. But I cant easily block this out. I cant easily pretend that this didnt happen and continue life like normal. So I am admitting, I am struggling and need some help.
  13. aperson

    Grieving and Family....

    By aperson,


    Life
    I have 4 days until my mother's services and every day is like a rollercoaster. It doesnt take but a small thing to send me ready to cry like a big baby. I know that grief is a process but I dont know that I fully expected this. The closer it gets the more irritated and annoyed I get by just about everyone and every thing. Sad part is i feel like I am in a battle between supporting her husband and her siblings on what they want/expect. They are not that fond of him because he doesnt really tolerate their nonesense. Her husband and my siblings have worked very well together in getting things taken care of and ensuring that we give her the best that we can during COVID. It isnt what we would want but it as close as possible. My aunts felt like they were being left out so I talked to them all individually. I explained how their behaviour affected us when she was in the hospital and we just wanted to get things done. I also explained that we are here to support he husband too because he is technically her next of kin and the only person that has to make any decisions. They all said we are here to support you all (my siblings not her husband). That is fine just know we are supporting him. I thought that would be then end. I even let slide the hurtful things one of them said in regards my care for my mother before her death. Trying to be the bigger person and knowing my mom and I have talked about this and she asked me to not go off on any of them. Again, i thought it was good but I thought wrong.
    When the her husband and my siblings talked about what we wanted to see for her services we knew 2 things. We wanted to have a viewing for those who didnt get a chance to say goodbye like we did. We also knew that my mom wanted to be cremated. My brother also wanted a burial of her ashes because he wanted a place to go to and pay respects instead of just having an urn. No problem. We also agreed that due to her kidney failure causing a significant amount of swelling in her body, we didnt want a viewing where she didnt look like herself. The funeral home assured us that wouldnt be an issue but her husband said I just need to see her beforehand. I wasnt worried but if that is what he wanted then I would go along with it. I understand where he is coming from. My aunts on the other hand couldnt get past that. Last week, we had a discussion with all of them to let them know the plans and covered the viewing. he again reiterated his stance. At the end of that call we were on the same page. We also discussed not having a repass because of COVID, we couldnt meet inside and we could not be assured about the preparing of the food. Sounds good, right?
    Fast forward 2 days late, I receive a text message from one aunt. She proceeded to ask about the viewing again. I told her what we already agreed to on the last call which is fair. She proceeded to say that it isnt fair to her kids or grandkids or anyone else that they cant view her. Then she proceeded to ask if he was on her life insurance policy becuase then it wouldnt matter what he thought. Ummmm maam not that it is any of your business but he is. He last text to me that day as I had then stopped responding was that there would be a viewing if she had to pay for it herself. Oh? So just screw anybody else and do what you want? Got it. I proceeded to my uncle's to pick up some flowers. My uncle then tells me that everything is set for the repass and we will do it in his church's parking lot and all the food will be pre-packaged. The look on my face probably gave my thoughts away. I asked him who decided on that? He says the sisters called him to set it up. Oh so when were you all going to inform us? The day of? Oh ok. He says it is ok, right? and I told him does it matter since you all have decided and it is all set up? Does it really matter what we think? he started to explain why he thought it was a good idea. Well, sir guess that is that and I left. Mind you I had already spoken with 2 of the sisters that same day and neither mentioned it.
    Then another sister called to confirm that she had the posters ordered and she just needed the money. Cool, sent it to her via CashApp and we are done. She asked me another question about what colors we were going to wear because the siblings had decided to wear all black and red flowers. I said we hadnt discussed color coordinating. I guess that wasnt the right answer because she said ok girl bye and hung up. After the conversation with her and the conversation with her sister about visitation I was done. I put my phone on do not disturb except my siblings and her husband. I was done with them for the time being. This was all before seeing the brother and hearing about the repass.
    My brother and sister said they werent going to any repass because it isnt about the dinner it was about them deciding for themselves and no input from anyone else. We then move on and I slowly find things that I just dont like. One sibling calling the funeral home to discuss and add charges to the bill without asking us about it. Or she was making arrangements regarding my mom's viewing and flowers that we were paying for. Then there was the obituaries. I told them they had full range to create them and while I didnt want to see it, the others did. So what happened, they made the programs and sent to funeral home with no one else having seen them except them. So we dont even know what pics were used in these programs. Then there was today. The same aunt called to say the person that was going to do her wig wasnt comfortable doing it n a deceased person. I am ok with that and prepared for that with a wig that my mom used and was made by this person so I knew it would work. She says well let me see it so I can see what it looks like. I simply replied ok. She said do you have it or you have to go get it. I said I have it with me. She said well just bring it by and I will wash and condition it. I replied it is ok. I will take a look at it and then take it to them. Again, wrong answer I guess because she said well s ince you have a problem bringing it to me then just send me a picture bye. Have I sent the picture? Nope. Am I going to send her one? Nope.
    I keep telling them they have a take over spirit. If you allow them in once, then they feel like that is carte blanch to take over every and anything. So no, I wont be doing any of that and if I really want to, I can go buy a new one for her. I felt bad before about always saying my mom when talking to them because I understand how that can sound. But i dont any more. I think they have forgotten that she is my mom and they get really no say so in any decisions. This is why we had to have a security code added at the hospital because they couldnt stay in their lane. If I had my say they never would have been jincluded on a phone call but her usband is trying to be nice. He knows how they feel about him and he is just trying to make sure that they dont feel abandoned in the process but the truth is, they are and they should be. they dont understand or respect boundaries at all.  So i am no longer responding to any of them. I dont have the patience to do it any longer. I feel like I am trying because my mom would want me to but I cant. They have already said in their actions that we dont matter and one in their words that we were not good enough to take care of my mom in the first place. This would be prior to her being diagnosed with COVID. and yes the exact words were, I could have done a better job than you.
    You see I have guilt about that already. I already felt like I didnt do enough when she got sick so for her to say that was hurtful. i apologize to my mom every day several times a day from the moment she was admitted in the hospital to today. I will always hold that guilt even though my siblings and her husband have said differently. i will apologize to my mom until the day i die and when I see her again, I will apologize to her for eternity. I just am no longer willing to be at their demand of what they want. They have gone so far as to discuss the balance and cost of the funeral even though they are not chipping in one red cent despite their early insistance that they would. Hell, the one who called aobut the posters didnt even contribute to that and it was just 130.00. again, i was prepared to pay that and was already aware of what the cost would be from my own research beforehand. But if it were my sister, I wouldnt have asked for the money from either of them. I would have gotten the posters done and paid for and moved on. Why? That is my sister and if I have the funds to help out in her untimely death, i am going to do so. And it isnt really about the money, it is about respect. How would they like it if I called someone they had a contract with and discussed the provisions of that contract? 
    After the services, I am done. These are the ladies I called my other moms but they are just proving that really isnt the case. They owuld have never treated anyone else in this fashion and neither would I. I may talk about it amongst myself but I would never go behind their backs and do what i wanted because that is what I wanted. I even now have a text form one explaining why they did the repass. it will get no reply because they obviously dont understand the disappointment and cant even when explained to them. After the services, if her husband wants to go, I will support him but none of those people really care about supporting him or us. They have their own plans and intentions and I dont have to be a part of that. I wont be reaching out to them for assistance on anything after the fact. I wont be calling to check up on them. at this point we need separation so they can continue to do their own thing while we continue to do our own thing. i still love them and if something were to happen to them I will be there but in the appropriate support role because I respect their kids and tose that have spouses, their spouses too much to step outside my place.
    It is almost like I cant grieve appropriately for my mom becuase I am fighting daily battles with them. It is turning into anger and bitterness. They still forget that I am a whole grown adult with nearly half a century on this earth. My father keeps telling me I am wrong but on the same breath will say I dont have to do everything they say. Talk about mixed signals. For now, I am keeping my distance until Saturday when I have no choice but to be in attendance. Rant over (I hope)
  14. aperson

    This is all so unreal

    By aperson,


    Life
    TRIGGER WARNING FOR DEATH/GRIEF
     
     
    My mother is gone and it is so hard to believe that right now. She went peacefully with her kids and husband by her side. We held on to the hope that additional treatment would give her time to heal her body but when we saw her in person, we realized that the only thing that was keeping her here were the machines that were breathing for her. I have so many conflicting emotions about that and a lot of guilt about how I handled the situation from the time she was ill until we got her treatment. My mind tells me I did all that I could to get her to go but my heart says I could have done so much more.
    When I think back to the first day she wasnt feeling well, and what I did to try and help her I allowed myself to relax. She was running a fever for just a day but the next day she was ok and I thought it is just a cold. She is up a bit more and moving around and she is eating something. But the next day she declined again. It was the weekend and I couldnt get her to the dr and she was refusing to go to the ER. I regret that so much. I can usually get her to go but because it was just fatigue and she had been feeling that way to some extent since her strokes she blew it off. When it got worse I did get her to ER on Monday but they sent her home. She wasnt sick enough then. When Tues came she said she felt worse but she wanted to wait for her dr followup the next day. I should have gotten her to go then.
    After she was gone, her sisters kind of expressed how they felt left out of the process. Individually I talked to them. I needed them to see where we were coming from especially with the whole take her her phone so she can hear our voices. As it turned out, the hospital wouldnt have even allowed it because of her state of mind when admitted and because she was later sedated. We attempted to get a phone to her for another reason and they declined stating they didnt want to be held responsible for it. It also turned out to be a good thing because eventually the hospital said they would allow us to FaceTime her but they only had an iPad. My mother was the only one locally that had an Apple product. I use to tease her about being the only one for so long but I guess she knew what she was doing. Because she did that, it was the only way until the last day that we could have talked to her and seen her. I think the only thing that hurt me in my talks with my aunts is that one said she was upset with me because I told her she couldnt come down and help take care of her. I recall the conversation right after y mom's 2nd stroke and what I heard and what she meant were 2 different things. Mama would say if she is ok then they dont need to come down for a day to lay eyes on her and see for themselves. That is how I took my aunt's request. She just wanted to see for herself. It wasnt made clear that she wanted to come and assist with after-care. But the thing that hurt was that she said she could have done a better job than I. That stung. It was honest of her but it hurt. It hurt because they didnt trust us and it hurt because I already felt like I hadnt done enough. There is one thing about feeling like you failed. It is another for someone to confirm that you failed. I dont think I will ever tell them that I feel that way ling before they thought it. I just pray that my mom knows we only did what we knew how to do and to the limits we felt we could take it without pushing her away from us. My aunts never have to know that I agree that I failed her in the situation that mattered the most.
    We jsut never thought this would be us. All 3 of us in our early and mid-40s and our mom gone at 61. Every waking thought is filled with her. Every non-waking thought is of her. If I am not actively doing a task I am crying or trying not to cry. Being in her home is painful. Being around her siblings is painful. Being on Facebook which is the only social media she has is painful. Talking to her friends is painful. I know that it is still knew. it has been almost 48 hours since she passed away and it is all just too much as the days go on. The closer we get to it, the less I want to have anything to do with it. I just want to call the whole thing off and tell them we will hold a private ceremony with my siblings and her spouse to get her buried. But I also realize that is extremely selfish of me and just part of my emotions  on how to try and handle this without a full nervous breakdown. Every day is some little thing that some one needs to know for something. I no longer want to have to make these decisions. I just want to see a final draft and give stamp of approval.
    It is hard just processing what I am feeling aside from sadness and guilt. Trying to console other people is hard. Trying to comfort myself is hard. Finding a reason to not curl in a ball for the rest of y days is hard. Eating and drinking is hard. Sleeping is useless. I go to bed crying and I wake up crying. And then there are those random moments you think you will be ok but some little thing comes up and I am crying. Today's first little thing was what to put her name down as on the programs and the plot. Yesterday it was seeing my aunt. No reason that these things should have been a problem but they were/are. There will be another. Many of my family have changed their profile pic on social media to her alone or her with them. Those are painful and I am limiting my time on there. I want to thank everyone who has offered their support but there are no words that I have to express that and I just cant say it. There is nothing wrong iwth it but I just cant put that in writing. 
    I have her cell phone. I want to call it but she didnt put her voice on her voicemail. I have a voicemail from her 2 days before she went in hospital. I listened once and cried but I cant delete it because of how weak she sounded. I dont know how I am supposed to do any of this. There is so much I hope she knew that I never got a chance to say. There is so much I should have told her but didnt because of my own pride and ego. She has her first grandchild on the way and she will never get to see and hold him and he will never get to know how much she loved him even though she never saw him. 
    This just not real. I keep waiting to wake up from this nightmare but that never happens. I wish that someone was playing a very cruel joke and she would call but that hasnt happened either. I would be pissed but to know she is still here and doing ok I would forgive them. None of that seems to be happening. Every day that goes by just cements that this is life now. Somehow we are supposed to go on living life without one of the most important people in our lives. I dont know how that is possible. 
    I am tired. My eyes are puffy and red fro crying all the time. I am trying to keep strong for the rest but even that is starting to falter. I prayed for her to be well. I negotiated me for her. I begged her to keep fighting. I begged God to help her. I promised that I would be a better person if she could remain here to live the rest of her life. All rejected.  People always ask how are you and it seems like the stupidest question ever. The dont really want to hear the truth. They just want to hear I am ok. Then they can continue in their own grief. So I give them what they need to feel like they have helped in some way knowing that it is a lie but there is nothing they can do to help. Unless they can bring her back.  
  15. aperson
    My mama is still in the hospital in serious condition on the ventilator. Some days are good and others seem like just one more thing going wrong. The pneumonia is still present but slowly declining. Then there are the other things like fluctuating blood pressure, heart rate and blood sugar. Then there is the monitoring of her kidneys which are also declining. She has been on a ventilator  for 8 days now. These are the most nerve wracking 8 days ever. 
    I havent heard her voice in 11 days. We did get to see her 1 day. It was hard seeing her connected to all those tubes. I kept watching her breathing because at the time I knew they hard reduced the ventilator down and she was having to do some of the work to breathe. It was so irregular. A few quick shallow breaths then nothing and then deeper breathe which was machine doing the work. We all talked to her and did our normal sibling playful banter. Inside I wanted to cry. When she opened her eyes and turned toward us I hoped she would fight the meds and just look at us and half smile.
    She isnt gone but I sometimes feels like I am grieving.  I get angry at the disease that put her there. I cry because I know the chances of survival are lower. I say I miss her mostly to myself. I have bargained with God. Next moment I have full faith that she will survive this. Then there is the thing I wont tell anyone. I am afraid that if I say it or write it, it will come true and I cant handle that.
    At night and early morning seems the hardest. Possibly because those are times I call the hospital to check on her. I have had just a couple of nights I slept through the night and was asleep before 2am. I wake a few times in the night and when I do, I just want to call up there. Then I cry quietly and hope I can get back to sleep. 
    Right now, I feel sad. I feel like it is my fault she is where she is. I didn't force her to go to hospital sooner. I should have. When she stayed asleep the 2nd day, I should have forced her to go. If she dies they will blame me. And secretly I would agree with them. I dont know how she got it. I spent a lot of time with her and was very up close but I still tested negative. I wish I knew where she got it.
    I just want her to be ok. I want her to recover. I want things to go back to the way they were a month ago. 
  16. aperson
    I have been trying to make a post for almost a week about where I am mentally and emotionally at this point and I just haven't been successful. So maybe I start from the last entry and see where this goes.....
    I have been taking on the care for my mom since Feb. She wasnt incapable of caring for herself but she definitely needed assistance. The last stroke affected her mentally and physically more than before. She needed assistance to walk and comb her hair. She wasnt capable of fixing a full meal but could make toast, or a quick sandwich and she could do things that would allow her to sit and do them. But she did need reminders on taking her meds and what meds to take and when. The biggest issue for her is that she didnt just bounce back like she wanted and that was starting to cause her some depression. I always reminded her that this one required her to take her time. She isnt a burden to us and we always got her back. But about 2 weeks ago she started to take a downturn. she began sleeping more, like all day. At first I thought it was depression but later the first day I felt her and she was burning up. I took her temp and she was running a pretty high fever. I got it down with a little persuasion with fever reducer and cold compresses. The following day she was still sleeping but not eating and no more temp. I thought maybe a cold. She hasnt gone out anywhere but I do go outside and at the time we were dealing with some really cold temps. Over the weekend she kept getting weaker and not eating except applesauce with her meds. I knew I would contact her dr on Monday to see when she could get her in. I did call the dr and it just so happened her physical therapist also came by. Even though she was in no shape to do the therapy she wanted to check her. She felt the same as I and also contact the dr for next steps.
    When the dr followed up he wanted her to go to an urgent care. My mom had 1 other virtual dr appt that day with her endocrinologist. When that was over I got her ready to go. On the way her dr called back and said give all the reports from the dr and the PT she wanted her to go to the ER instead. Mama wasnt happy but she went. We then found out she had COVID. My heart sank. My mom was already an at risk patient with the strokes but she also has diabetes so that just made it worse and one reason that we have stayed in and away from people. Because she wasnt in a critical state the ER sent her home and her dr followed up with more instructions including getting a pulse oximeter to monitor her oxygen. I got it and that evening her oxygen was dropping with her activities. But when she was still it was in an acceptable range. Because of this she refused to go to ER. So I did what I could to keep her comfortable but I knew she was not getting ay better. But we had another virtual visit with her dr for the next day as an ER follow-up. I knew what the dr would say. but that evening on Tues was rough. My mama cried off and on all night. She was not comfortable and in pain. She wasnt resting well. I just needed to get her to the follow-up so the dr could convince her. When the dr did see her it was completely what I expected. She said you need to get her in an ambulance. I told her she would need to convince my mom of that because she isnt going until the dr says she has to. nd that is what happened Wed afternoon. EMSA came and took her off to the ER. No visitors because she is COVID positive. Cant even go to waiting room because we have been exposed. 
    And here is where the battle started. My mom was in no condition to have her phone that day. So her husband and I kept it until we knew she was better. I spoke with her sisters and explained this to them and they were all ok. The dr called on Wed to get background info because  my mama was completely out of it. He then said that she showed signs of slight pneumonia and that she was in diabetic ketoacidosis. Basically her blood sugar was so high it was turning her blood acidic. I told him that was not the case less than 12 hrs ago and wasnt even close to it. I told him I had not checked her blood sugar that day but she was in so much pain it made it hard to. He said she will go to COVID ICU for her diabetes and they would continue to monitor the pneumonia. I gave everyone an update about this. As we get to day 2 of her hospital stay the nurse and dr say her blood sugar is back to normal but her mind is still out of it and the pneumonia is advancing.  Another heart drop for me. They also said she appeared to have anxiety and was agitated and pulling off the little bit of oxygen they were giving her. I told the nurses she has never been to hospital let alone ICU without someone there with her all day to offer support. She was probably feeling that because she wasnt really aware of where she was or what was happening and there was no family allowed so she couldnt see a familiar face. Mama and I had discussed before she went to the hospital how scared she was. She felt like she was going to die or that the hospital wouldnt be able to save her. I spent a couple of nights assuring her that we wouldnt let that happen and would stay on them about her and make sure they did everything to help her. I understood why she felt that way given her prior conditions and how serious this one had become. Anyway, her husband and I felt that when she was more aware and could operate a phone. That would help her feel better when they got her coherent. 
    Well her siblings, specifically her sisters were not liking the idea they couldnt talk to her. It started very simple with trying to force me to take her phone up there to her. I knew from talking to the nurses she was in no condition to talk to anyone or operate a phone. I tell them this much but it doesnt seem to be enough to convince them. I got a message that it is beneficial for her which I agree but they 'suggested' I take the phone up there. No me being me I just replied hear you. But they couldnt see that was my I am done with this response. So I got back a message that said basically take her the phone. So I respond with I understand but dont you think we have considered these things. Been thinking about it since when she was admitted but she is incapable of answering a phone let alone holding a convo. Plus everyone calling up there when they feel like it is a disturbance and can only agitate her more increasing her anxiety. My polite way of saying still not doing it.  Well these crazy people (not what I called them at the time) decided they would just call the hospital themselves. They called to try and get details on her condition, speak with the dr and to get the nurse to take her the phone so they could talk to her. When the nurse told me I laughed and then apologized to her. You see it isnt the first time they have tried this which is why my mama specifically listed myself and her husband as the only people to get her medical info. The first time they tried they were going to transfer her to a hospital across the country because they thought the dr wasnt treating her right. Little did they know that she was the one not following orders. It was when she first found out she was diabetic about 8 yrs ago. She has been totally insulin dependent from the start but she was not taking the insulin when she should and she didnt modify her diet. To the hospital she went. 
    Anyway, the nurse nor dr provided them with the info and they told them that no she cannot talk mainly because she cannot talk. She cant hold the phone to answer it and she wouldnt be able to hold a conversation in any way. She cant even tell you if she is in pain or cold. Since that didnt work (mind you one is a former nurse so she knew it wouldnt work) they decided another way. They went to her husband to have him add one of them as authorized people. He asked me and I said my mama wouldnt want that. She didnt want that which is why they never have been. He said you are right and didnt do it. There is a reason they went to him and not me because I would have said no and ignored anything else. By Friday of last week, mama's condition was getting worse. The pneumonia was advancing and she was requiring more and more oxygen to keep her oxygen levels up. Now my mama is stubborn. She hates thing over her face. So when they had her on the oxygen through her nose, she would rip it out. Nurse said ok let's do the mask. Foolish nurse because she took the mask off too. Oh and she would try to get out of bed. They had to put her in restraints in order to keep her still. Internally I know she was pissed at them but it kept her from taking mask off. But even with that and giving her anti-anxiety meds she was getting to the point that she needed the ventilator to get the oxygen at the right levels. The nurse and I talked about this Friday and she was certain that Saturday would be the day. Well my aunts heard this and decided that they needed to come down and hold a prayer vigil in the hospital parking lot. Cool let's do it. Saturday morning my mom is put on ventilator. I reach out to the aunts in the afternoon to see what time they are going because of course I want to go but my nephews are in town because they are having a small baby shower for our town's people and I need to go to that as well. The time comes for the vigil, 2pm. My sister gets there first and said when she got there the first thing they said was did you bring the phone. She said um no I dont think she did. the looks of disgust they had lol. My sister was done with them. When I get there no one mentions it except my sister. Apparently while I was driving they sent the message of should you bring her phone. Good thing I didnt see it because she is fully sedated so the answer is a Heck NO. But we do the prayers and I am preparing to leave and my eldest aunt says we are going to get her a phone and take it to her. I said nothing. Again I dont care about their need for a phone and contact. I leave and come back later with my nieces, nephews and my siblings. We do our own thing. In the middle of that I get a message  from an unknown number that this is how I can contact my mama. Ummm, excuse me? My blood was boiling. Her husband called me to say he offered them a conference call with him and the nurse to ask whatever they wanted and he would do the evening check-in. Great you do that and let me know. But then he saw the text and he flipped. we were both done. I went to my car angriest I have been in months and then I went off. Apparently my nieces and nephews never seen that side of me but they didnt know what was going on. I told my sister I was going home. My head hurt, my blood pressure was probably through the roof and I couldnt take anything else. I needed to decompress before I completely lost control.
    At the end of Saturday, her husband had raced to the hospital, blocked any access except me an him from anyone. So much so the hospital will deny she is a patient. Well that ticked them off and no word from them for remainder of the night or Sunday. I had to let it go. I remove myself from any conversations that look like they talking about bringing her a phone. I must stay well for my siblings and the grandkids and her husband. He is older but sometimes he doesnt understand and doesnt really ask. I did get a call yesterday from the youngest aunt who had her own list of things we must do moving forward. My response was a simple ok. Those kinds of decisions should be discussed with my mama and her husband and I can tell you neither of them take kindly to other people's demands either. My sister said when my mama wake up she is going to cuss her sisters out. I told her I wont be relaying any of these events to her while she is still healing and I hope they dont either because she needs to be focused on her recovery. The frivolity of those conversations are just that and she needs no additional stress. Our intentions were to never hold any information from her siblings but we had to do what we felt was best to make sure she got the rest and care she needed without being bothered all the time by people with good intentions. They received all information good or bad or no change everyday in great detail. They never asked any question that I hadnt thought of and covered in my texts to them. I knew this hospital had a plan in place in case the situation was terminal that would allow a visitor. If we needed to allow people to communicate then we would have someone physically there to help with that. 
    But as of today all is calm in my soul. Well, at least how I deal with them. My mama is started to get reduced from the ventilator so she can start breathing on her own and maintaining her oxygen level. I know that is a process but I pray every day that she improves no matter how big or small those steps are. Because aside from the drama with my aunts, we are all trying to deal with this. We are all trying to remain positive and be strong for someone else, our siblings or the kids or just so someone has a level head about them. I will not lie. I cried every day from a few days before she was diagnosed with COVID until yesterday when we finally got a decent report from the nurse. As the oldest child, I have been tagged to update all the family and that can be tiring. My mom has 3 living sisters and 3 living brothers. That does not include friends and her first cousins or my elder cousins. Before I could give them updates, I would cry for about 5 mins. Only then could I gather myself to send them what wasnt the best news every day, 2 times a day. Sometimes I think that people who are supposed to be your biggest support system forget that. Like I am here if you want to talk but this has to be equal ground. There are situations not in your control and you must learn to accept that and how to move forward with no control. I had to learn that lesson with some other situations with my siblings and it was a hard thing to do but I had to. Luckily, I did have support outside of them. Her husband has been great. He asks my opinion but I always let him know he has the final say as her spouse and I will go along with it whether I agree or not. I also have 1 friend who has been a great support for me. I probably worked her nerves as much as I work the nurses nerves but those late night texts, the virtual car ride alongs were good. I could express myself or just be silent and not have that offend anyone else.
    The question I always dreaded was the how are you doing. Now dont get me wrong, it is a normal question to ask but the truth is 99% never really want to know the real answer.  What it inevitability meant is they wanted to tell you their hurt was greater than yours. Or there are the times they used it to try and manipulate the situation to affect your decisions. Or they really dont care at all but they have to ask. One of my uncles asked me how I was doing and I said ok. He then asked if I took the COVID test. Now I had already told them I had and would have my results before the weekend which I did. I then appeared with all of them at the hospital. If I were positive do you think I would have been out and about with others potentially exposing them? It didnt make sense to me so I didnt answer. I may have still been a little angry from the previous day as well lol but still. If there was a concern on me being positive then you shouldnt have been within 6 ft of me and we were on more than 1 occasion that day. Then there were the questions of how she got it. The honest answer is we have no clue and may never know the answer. In the entire time I was there my mom had 2 visitors aside from her nurse and she approved those visitors. None of them tested positive either.
    This has been one of the hardest times to deal with. My grandmother's death and staying by her side while she transitioned is the other one. I never want to go through either of these again and I hope that if I am in the support role in the future I look back on both of these events and remember how I felt and can do what I wish others had done for me. I still have fears because I know this virus is crazy and things can change in a second but I also remember that mama will fight. Her body may initially betray her but her desire and faith are what she uses to hold on and not give up. I cannot wait until I can see her face and ultimately hear her voice. Soon we will do that and I will breath easier and sleep more peacefully. The recovery is going to be a long road but we are here for it.
     
  17. aperson
    I thought being a caregiver for my mom after 2 strokes, a seizure and watching her diabetes would be simple. I take care of her needs and get her to her appointments and make sure she takes her meds and gets her home health physical and occupational therapy done. I watch for signs of her diabetes acting up and signs of another stroke. It's hard but simple, right? What I didn't expect is theneedto handle her mental health.
    I mean, I barely know how to manage my own mental health, how do I manage hers. And I saw the signs forming. Even during her hospital and rehab for 2 weeks, I saw it. The longer she stayed and the less answers the could provide, she was starting to falter. Now that she is home, she isn't just bouncing back and the new meds keep her tired. The more she wants to be back to normal, the less she is. So how do I help her with that? She doesn't have stamina to be out for longer than 30 mins and physically she cannot walk more than 5 ft without being fatigued so taking her places is out of the question. Plus we are in the middle of a potential winter storm so we cant go out and no one can come by. So what do I do? I am working during the week and her husband works overnights. 
    I don't know how to do this part. I am a fixer but I cant fix this. They didn't show me how to handle her emotional health but people tell you how to manage mine as a caregiver. I dont know what to do. And I am trying not to let it show but it is starting to show. I watch her closer. I sleep for as little as I can especially at night. I can feel myself getting helpless to care for her needs. Because I am her child she doesnt feel comfortable confiding in me that way but I know and I see it and I feel like my hands are tied.
    I need to figure out my next steps or she will not recover well.
  18. aperson

    Just scared

    By aperson,


    Life
    My mother has had another stroke/TIA. They are not sure why. She now has a pronounced limp with her left leg. And at this point I will probably need to move in with her so she has care while her husband is working.
    At this point I am just scared. If they dont know the cause, how many more episodes will she have before a major stroke? Just terrified and no one else can know. 
  19. aperson

    Just need to let it out some way

    By aperson,


    Life
    So this is one of those times that I really wish I was completely different type of person. Instead of sheltering everything inside, I wish I let everything out. Well at least most things. Right now I feel anxiety swelling up but there is no one to reach out to. I shelter so much of myself that I have shut the world out and people I have known for years.
    Now there is no one to reach out to and say I need a safer space. No one to reach out to and say I am not ok. No one to reach out to and say can you just sit while I try and process these feelings that I cant verbalize. 
    Dec has always been a difficult time of year. This year proved no different. 2 weeks before Christmas, I receive a call from my mama. She sounds off. Her speech is slurred and broken. She believes she has had a stroke and says I dont need to come over. If she didnt have a stroke she had definitely lost her mind saying that. She tells me her symptoms which includes decreased functionality on her right side. Inside I panic. So I check to see if she is tired. She is a diabetic and has a history of diabetic ketoacidosis.  Some symptoms are the same but she gets extremely tired. She says no. I am awake and alert since 9am. It is now 11am. Not DKA. Is it possible my 62 yr old mother had a stroke? Internal panic. Strokes can be deadly. How long she been this way? I got to tell my boss. Should I call ambulance? I got to go. So I tell her well I need to finish a few things and I will call you in 20 mins and hang up. 20 mins my butt. I message my boss, throw on some clothes and head there.
    I call her while driving to see if anything changed. It hadnt. Still the same. Lord please dont let me get stopped for speeding. While talking to her I let her know I am 10 mins out and if sge had stroke we are going to ER. She said no, let's call my dr. Lady are you freaking crazy?! Call your dr for what? To meet us at ER? Yes mama we can call but I think they will agree to go to ER.
    I am there and start to access her. She is moving slowly and with a limp. Is the right side of he face drooping a little? Mama can you smile? Yep there is a droop. I call her dr whose nurse said go to ER. My mother says I have to fix my hair. Mama no one cares what you look lik. Dont she know time is of the essence. She wont go without her hair combed. Fine. Let me do it then.
    Finally, we are on the road. Lord dont let anything happen while we are driving. Lord let this all be ok and we are wrong. I know what happens with DKA. ER is packed. All these people cant be sick enough for ER. I explain to checkin nurse and they wheel her back immediately. An eternity goes by, well like 20 mins , and they say you can come with her. We will take her for CT scan in a few. Sure enough they come and she is back in 5 mins flat. Then we wait. And wait and wait. 9hrs. That's how long before a room was available. So I guess she wasn't serious enough. 10 mins and dr does assessment. He says we also believe you had a stroke but not sure of cause. Good thing is there is no bleeding. I guess that explains the 9hr wait. He says you will be staying with us for a few while we try to determine cause and treatment and monitor you. Lord please dont let there be a 9hr wait for a bed. 90 mins later she is in ICU. She explains that she has had symptoms since 4am. WTH?!? I want to fuss at her but dont. If she is as scared as I am it wont help. Both dr and I notice her speech isnt as slurred but she still has to think about how to say a word. Her weakness on right is still present but stronger now. The droop in her face is visible but not as crooked. Her body is recovering. She spends the next  4 days at hospital showing progress.  The cause is a blood clot possibly cause by atrial fibrillation. It isnt constant as never showed up in hospital. Physical therapy and speech therapy needed. Of course blood thinners as well.
    So that should be the end, no. The dr advises that although this was mild the likelihood of another in 90 days was high. Excuse me sir? So she could have a bigger one soon? That is when the anxiety set in. She cant be alone for awhile. Not just because of that but she is still unstable on her feet.  So I send my niece to stay with her until Christmas Eve. I tell her what to look out for. She already knows what to look out for on her diabetes. Now she knows for a stroke. My mother is married but her husband works nights. So do I need to move in for a few days? She doesnt want me there but I may need to. She is not going to take Life Alert bracelet. She also diesnt want me to move in because she wants to be independent. So I am giving her leeway. But I am internally panicking everytime she calls.  Does she sound ok? Why she didnt answer my call? Why she not answering my text? She got 10 mins then I am going over there.
    This is my daily battle on top of everything else. And right now I just want to cry those feelings away with a safe person in a safe place. I have the place but not the person so it looks more pathetic than anything. For now, it will hve to do.
  20. aperson

    Sleep panic attacks?!

    By aperson,


    The process
    I didnt know you have panic attacks and remain sleep. What the heck is that? 
    So here I am sleeping what I thought was peacefully. I am in a dream. For some reason I have left home and taken in by another family.  The are kind and have kids already of their own. I asked the mother a questiin that at this moment I cant think of. The answer given was one that suggested that was not my real question. I am confused like yes it's what I want to know. The mother says to call her back when I am no longer afraid to say what I really want. I am lost. I go outside to thibk and approach the father. The mother has told him what happened and he agrees with his wife. I am still slightly confused by both because I dont get it. He continues to look at me and then proceeds to hug me. Innocent enough right?
    This hug however set a question in my mind. That question instantly lead to me trying to escape his touch. I hear myself saying let me go and dont touch me. I run form him. No desitnation in mind. I run into a few other men who caught me running down a hill and they touch me and boom...panic attack. The family finds me still in the grasp of one man. The father cgasing him away and the proceed to try and calm me. I didnt aeake until I wasnt hyperventilating and we were on the way home to talk about things.
    The thing is I felt this attack but didnt wake up until it was over.  I could hear my breathing as it is now with a little congestion. I could feel my heartbeat. It was racing. My body was shaking. If it wasnt real it was too close to real. When I woke due to a ringing phone, I could still feel the panic inside. What I lost is the question that apparently want to know the answer to. Like will this question and answer be the beginning of the path I want to be on? Is it my key to finally release mysrlf from jail?
  21. aperson

    What I didnt know is it takes a lifetime

    By aperson,


    The process
    When I heard about people healing from trauma, they made it sound like a journey with an end. You reflected and learned and grew as a person. You learned forgiveness and healthier habits. What they didnt say or I never heard, is that healing is ongoing. It begins from the moment the trauma ends until the day you die. 
    I never heard them say that even when you think you have made it past the large hurdles, hurdles pop up all the time. Sometimes they are small. They show in the form of brief triggers that you work through. They show up in larger hurdles that are sometime unexpected. You have a nightmare that triggers a flashback that spirals you into a hole. Sometimes it is brief other times it lasts for days. I wasnt prepared for that.
    I thought at the beginning of this I would get counseling and get healed. When that didnt work I thought I am just not ready to get past the trauma. So years later I tried again and failed again. No sweat right? Keep going. Third time is the charm? Yeah it's not going so well either. In many ways I think this time is worse. The steps I took to grow seem to be falling to the waste side. I actually think there is more regression than progression now. Not quite what I bought in to. 
    So I battle with keeping it up or just giving up. I am not prepared for a lifetime and am still hoping for the magic they told me about before. I stopped thinking it would be a year or 2 and am ok with a 5 year plan. What I have not come to terms with is a til I die plan. I am not sure my sanity can handle that battle. I am not prepared for having peace and then fighting battles with it. That feels like it where I am now except there is no peace. Every day is a battle to control the thoughts and urges. A lot of the times I lose. I am tired of losing.
    Not sure what to do now. I guess I have to come to terms with this before I do anything else. Just not sure how or where to start. 
  22. aperson

    Why does he keep trying to friend me?

    By aperson,


    Venting
    I blocked him years ago. So why is he on a new page trying again? We havent talked or seen each other in over 10 years. Nothing has changed. I dont want to see him in person or virtually!! I dont ask about him and I will never ask about him!! The only thoughts I have about him are about what he did to me. Family or not, I dont need or want him in life! Stay in the shadows you sick m*****f*****!!! I am blocking your a** again! Leave me alone! I hate the fact that we are even related and I am close to one of your sisters and her kids and grandkids. I wish I could erase your presence from my life!! And that pisses me off because I cant. You haunt my past but you are not allowed to be a part of my present or future. Go back to the pits of hell you have been in or wherever the f*** you have been. I didnt send for you. You are not forgiven! You will never be forgiven! 
  23. aperson
    So I have been trying to write this for a few days now. I dont know if it is fully shame or shame and embarrassment but I dont get to far. It starts off as a rambling mess of excuses and apologies to anyone who may read it. And here I am again going down that path. Maybe I should just start somewhere. 
    I have struggled a long time regarding consent and non-consent in my past. While I understand the very young me couldnt provide either the older me could. The problem is I didnt. I have never verbally said No, Stop. For a long time I understood that to mean consent. It meant that I wanted it although I couldnt ask for it. It meant that I led the situation to this end. I led him on whether that was through non-verbal queues or by showing affection and being intimate without sex. Throughout my teenage years and through additional experiences I felt this must be true. As I listened to people discuss various aspects of sexual assaults, I learned that majority of people who would hear my synopsis would feel the same way. I laughed too hard. I kissed him for longer than I should. I had him at my home without my parents there. I went without resisting. I walked a certain way. I talked a certain way. I was alone with them longer than allowed. I placed so much shame on myself for what I saw as my role in what happened.
    As I got a bit older and found myself in a situation where I actually consented, I began to questikn what consent looks like. When I did consent, it looked much the same but the way I felt during was different. I am not sure I can explain that fully but the internal fear was there but in a different way. I was fearful because of what I knew could happen but not fearful of what I wanted to happen. I wanted to replace a good experience to replace the bad ones. I wanted to be with this person. That experience had me questioning what non-consent looks like. The sad part is it can look the same as consent but feels way different. For many it is actual verbal queues and outward physical resistance. But for many more, like myself, it is a nonverbal queue. It is being physically present but not mentally present. It is not being a participant in an act that I should be. It is not fight or flight response. It is a I just need to not make this situation worse response. It is a if I can just get past this moment then I can avoid them every moment after this. It is if I make a scene or report it someone will think I did this on purpose and ruining someone else's life for nothing response.
    Non-consent can and does look like all of that. But that internal battle of did I consent or not continues. I exam it from all angles and switch back and forth from it was nothing you did to it was entirely your fault to somewhere in the middle. I was responsible for this part and them for that part. The fact is despite what my elders said on what assault looks like they didnt tell me what it looks like with the evil monster who was a beast with the strength of 1000 men. They didnt say that it looks like normal but you know it isnt right and cant escape from it. They didnt say that the damage from not resisting in a visible way feels just as bad as when you resist visibly. The damage you keep for the remainder of your life has to be treated the same as the other. They didnt tell me that yoou still feel shame with the added aspect of doing nothing to stop it. Even when others feel that something occurred and try to get you to talk about that same response will cause you not to speak. Because you think that they will believe you caused it too. They will say you did something the lead them on and the only thing thag that changes is that you feel worse for believing someone would help you.
    So that's the battle all these years later. Did I consent by not resisting? Is that such a thing? Or is it just my scapegoat so people, and myself, dont see me as a promiscuous young girl who wants to cover it up by claiming assault? I know this less extreme exists but getting others to see it and know it applies to me is much harder.
  24. aperson

    Help

    By aperson,

    Asking for help is so freaking hard. I mean the little things are easy. Can you help me move this table? Can you open this jar? But the big things...whew. Can you help me understand why this happened to me? Can you help me express myself feelings in less harmful ways? Even at work I find asking for help at certain levels is difficult. Again, the small tasks are no sweat. But if I feel like the expectation is I should be able to do it then the asking for help is harder.
    This isnt something new. It has always been like this. I have found at times that I could to a degree. Like I am having a hard time and need someone to sit with me. But dont ask me details on the issue because I cant do that. I cant even say this is a result of what happened. Both started from the time I can remember. Maybe it was the result of other childood traumas. Having a drug addicted father at a young age will do that too. I took on roles I shouldnt have in both cases.
    But why is it so hard? Why do I feel lesser than when I have to ask for help? Why does it feel like I am not living up to my potential when I ask for help? Society pushes the narrative at times that you have to do things on your own. That people can do things on their own and not rely on anyone else to help you. If you do that then what you accomplish is worth more. You earned it without needing anyone else. You will even value it more because you did it yourself. Which is crazy when you are then taught to help your fellow man. You are taught to be compassionate and empathetic and sympathetic. Seems contradictory but I guess life is full of contradictions. 
    So I/people suffer in silence because they dont know how to handle a situation but cant reach out either. So I/we turn to drugs, alcohol, anger, bullying, inappropriate relationships, develop mental healthand physical health issues. All because we live in a hypocritical world that wants to decide when someone deserves assistance rather than assuming we all need help at some point. Even the person at the top of society needed help no matter how small it was. 
    So how do you do it? Ask for help without feeling ashamed and trusting it will be provided? How do you get better and not feel weak for needing someone to show you the way? That's the struggle today.
  25. aperson

    7am thoughts

    By aperson,

    So I stopped writing because I felt I wasnt writing anything new. Just repeating the same old same old. The problem is my mind didnt stop thinking the same old stuff. It still thinks and functions like the thought is new.
    I am losing at this battle. I have turned further inward. I am cutting people out. I am losing trust and faith and hope. I didnt have a lot of any to start with so losing a drop of any is something I cant afford. I cant/wont speak/write about it. I just want to cry them away. Cry out what I cant put into words. Cry for those things I blame myself for. Cry out of frustration. Cry out of sadness. Cry out of secret depression. 
    I have lost myself but I think I lost that before I ever knew who I was. Life changed me from finding that to becoming this. Victim mentality? Probably. But in many ways that it what I feel like. Who I was feel victim to what happened. Who I am is trapped by that. Trapped in negative thoughts. Trapped by no progress. That is probably why therapy hasnt worked. That is why I lose those that I get close to. They see my trapped situation for what it is. A person living in a past that they wont let go. And they dont want to be sucked into that hole with me. They dont want to be trapped by a situation they didnt experience. I get it. I understand. I just wish escaping that easy was that simple for me. Even when I am not consciously thinking about it, I still feel it hovering. I then realize that something set that in motion. A movie scene, someone's words, a smell, a touch, a seemingly random thought.
     
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