Blog Entries posted by aperson
I keep trying to write something but none of it feels right. If feels forced. It feels required. It feels censored. Today I dont want to feel any of those things. Just know, I am not OK. I am not fine. I am not managing. I am hanging on by a thin thread most days. Stretched well beyond what I thought possible.I reached out and then pulled back. Why? Who knows. Because that is what I do. Because the help didnt feel like help.
Some days the intangible losses hurt worse than the physical act. Those things people cant see but you still feel. Those things that you usually ignore because the physical is easier to explain.
Yeah, those losses cant be measured so easily. And they are harder to explain to others. I just want to get back what I lost.
***********************FAIR WARNING***************THERE IS BRIEF DISCUSSION OF SUICIDAL THOUGHTS***********************
This ongoing battle within myself is quite painful. I like to believe that I have a reasonable amount of intelligence. But this battle I am not winning. I am not okay most days but I am really not okay today, this week. It's like the battle of an angel on one shoulder and the devil on the other. Both trying to lay out their case on why I she be on there side. But they aren't an angel and a devil. They are the young girl and a young woman. Each of them are still putting out their points as to what i should believe and what I should do next.
The young woman is the logical me. She tells me all the things I should know and would tel another person in my position. She says that I am not to blame for the circumstances I found myself in then and now. That the truth of the matter is that I wasn't experienced enough to know how to react to the situation so I reacted based on that little experience. It wasn't right nor was it wrong. it just was. She insists that there is no right or wrong way to have reacted. Even if many people react the same there will never be a right or wrong way to react to someone causing harm to you and ensuring your safety and sanity. She believes and supports me. She knows the internal battle I fight on whether it was or wasn't (insert term here). She says that if I believe it then it must be so and whatever the next steps I want to take, she will be there holding my hand. She insists that I allow myself to feel whatever emotion I have at the time. That can be sadness or anger and she even understands the desire of wanting to take death over the pain I have. All of it was valid and allowable. What isnt allowable is actually giving up on myself or harming myself to avoid the feelings I have. She doesnt make me feel guilty or ashamed.
The young girl is my irrational side. I guess that is the best word. This child is a ball of emotions and impulse. She screams that I am to blame for not doing anything then and now. She says that I must have wanted these things because why else would I not say anything. She yells that I am a horrible person. She agrees with my mother. That only girls who want to do these things find themselves in these situations. This girl says all the names that I have called myself are true and I am not worth spending another day 'battling' over something I know to be true. She says there is no point ruining anyone's life over something I caused. She tells me if I cant deal with the shame and hurt I caused then I should just end my life.
I hear each of them. I understand each of their points. I believe each of them with conditions, if that makes any sense. Because of the ongoing battle with myself I am constantly replaying what I remember. I am constantly dissecting each scene. Trying to find a way to prove one of them wrong over the other. Trying to find an answer to the one question I cant escape and that is how do I move forward. At the end of the day, I find that I start to replay all the owuld have and should haves and could haves. If I had only done this. If I hadn't done this. If I hadnt gone here. If I didnt look a certain way. If I wasnt so shy. An endless cycle that further intensifies the hurt and pain. It prevents the mind from shutting down because there is no end. The what-ifs are infinite like the number of parallel universes. Every decision has a new outcome and new set of decisions and outcomes. The only thing being affected by all of this is me. My mental state. My ability to interact in the world.
I believe it when people say that these kind of internal battles have an affect on you physically. I am physically tired because I cannot sleep. i am physically sick because my blood pressure is probably through the roof from the stress. I I know that all of this is reeking havoc on my body but I cant seem to make the thoughts stop. Work is a mild distraction but not enough. So I continue these ramblings to hopefully release what I know is building up inside. This is the only option I have at the moment and I fear that this will not be enough as it hasnt been so far. What I need and want will not be fulfilled. And knowing that is another set of hurt and pain.
Here we are with what is starting to feel like the movie Groundhog Day. A repeat of the same old nonsense. Another night of wanting an emotional release from the thoughts that are swirling. Another night that I find little relief.
Images and negative thinking that seems as normal as breathing today. Tackling back and forth with myself on who is at fault and what I can do better. Fighting the feelings of whether I remember it all correctly. Was it as some would say normal childhood exploration? Do I recall it correctly or did I fill in a gap with a possibility and hung on to it like it was the gospel truth? My first memory is a very young child. Barely school age. Could I really recall something that long ago and understand what it was?
Is that why I find it so difficult to talk about? Calling it by its name seems so...finite. How can I do that when I am still trying to reconcile that it happened? But there is no reason for me to not believe what I remember. No one planted the thoughts because I had never been around anyone at that time who talked openly about those things. I was older when it was discussed. I felt them as being wrong before someone told me it was wrong. What they didn't say is that it could be anyone, even your closest family. They didn't say that the cousin or 'grandfather' could be capable under the guise of 'love'.
It took me a long time to realize that wasn't the life that every girl goes through but by then, it was too late. I had normalized the experience and the keeping of the secret. I had spent years hiding the truth from everyone including myself. By the time I heard it was ok to tell, I was too afraid of what not keeping the secret would do to my family and myself. I can recall the times that I was forced into therapy and when I chose therapy that the pain was the same. My throat felt like it was closing. My voice retreated. The closest I could come to expressing the pain is to allow the tears to fall and make myself as small and invisible as possible. This is how it was on week one and week 31. Any discussion that moved to this trauma ended the same. It's funny that I have had different types of traumas in my life but this is the one that always brings shame. It's a shame that feels unforgivable. Like being branded with a scarlet letter.
Shame. Hurt. Pain. Sadness. Secrets. Filthy. Blame. Hopeless. Helpless. Worth less. Broken. Impure. Ugly. Scarred. Afraid. Invisible. Lifeless. Unloved. Dumb. Damaged. Angry. Lost.
So here I am years later trying to tell the child I was that what you recall is a fact not fiction. Telling her that it's ok to speak that truth and call it by its name. Telling her that real family will not abandon her. They will show support and love. They will respect the process it now takes to heal from those experiences and allow that child to flourish into a confident and strong woman. Instead she cowers in the corner. She feels alone. She feels forgotten. She feels unworthy. She feels unloved. She is sad because she cant see a future without these feelings and a past that haunts her. She prays that one day she doesn't lose control and end up making matters worse. All she wants is to make sure that the young girls she influence know they can come to her if they cant go to anyone else. There is no judgement. Just unconditional love, support and the knowledge they are never alone. That there is no right or wrong way to heal.
So here is another night of crying unseen tears. Of wrapping my arms around myself wishing they were the arms of someone who loves me without conditions and assuring me that I am safe and heard and fully supported. Here's to another night of wishing I had something to take me to another plane of existence. One where the world and people in it are all good. A world that is safe. Here's to another night where I will fight the urge to hide in my own world knowing I will only mildly succeed. Here is to another faild Groundhog Day.
It's been about a week that this mild insomnia has been going on. It started slowly months ago. I went from going to bed at a decent hour to staying up until 1 or 2 am. Now I am at no sleep or sleeping at 3 or 4 am. It's one of those things that spirals out of control before you become aware of it or why it happened.
But I know why. I know how it started and why. Partially my fault because I cant say no. I removed myself from a stressful position to a much less stressful job. Best move at the time for many reasons. But opportunities have presented themselves in the new job and I couldnt say no. The start to being sucked in again. Probably because I really want to be accepted and I really want to prove I am capable. Just as good as anyone else and worth a chance. Those insecurities get me every time. Sucks me into situations I then feel trapped by. So here I am, getting back into a stressful position that I may come to resent soon. Slightly already do. And I sort of dislike that about myself. I like it because it keeps me learning and thinking. I dont like it because I dont know how to say enough.
Been that way since I can remember. Always wanted to be accepted by people. Have a friend to go through life with. Be valued by people. Be liked by people. That wasnt the case for me. I am sure there are many things that contributed to that. Dealing with a drug addicted father as a young child. Dealing with parents who didnt seem to like each other let alone love each other. Having younger siblings who seemed more adaptable to those issues. And of course dealing with trauma from a young age. It's funny how they all seem to link together though. They all taught me that love is quite conditional. That bad things are not to be discussed with anyone. That trust is not given freely as it will be abused and misused.
Kids didnt deal with me at school. Not bullied, just ignored. The talked amongst themselves about me. They made comments that at the time I didnt understand. It took a long time for me to realize that what they said wasnt mean but it wasnt that nice either. It was hard to see my sister and brother move much easier through school. While kids ignored me, they flocked to my siblings. Kind of hard moving through school eating and playing alone. Hoping that you can choose to be odd man out so you dont have to be on display as odd man out. Teachers found me easy as a student but wished I would socialize more. Not sure who I was to socialize with though. The kids didnt want me with them.
But they had no clue what I was dealing with. Home life sucked most days. I was holding on to more secrets than should have been required. And I had no outlet either. So add those things together and you get suicidal me at 13. Not allowed to return to school without an evaluation. The evaluation ended up in a 30 days stay on the kid's psych ward. Trying to figure out how do I share as little as possible and still get out. Knowing once I do, I will return to some of the same nonsense or worst. My father no longer did drugs but their marriage was still broken. I still had trauma that wasnt being dealt with and there was no way I was going to start then. They would not keep me ever again!! So I suffered in silence. I kept those things that were hurtful inside under lock and key. But I still hurt. I still experienced trauma.
So there I was my first year of college and feeling like that young child again. I am hundreds of miles from anyone I know, afraid and scared. And feeling like these people dont want me around either. Here come hospital stay number 2. Much briefer than the first but I had learned the system. Say as little as possible and stay out your room. I left that stay trusting even less. I was looking for help but abandoned. I returned to school with a requirement of weekly counseling for the semester. The hardest thing was maintaining the facade on days where I just couldnt anymore. They were not sending me back. I would not have my parents called. They were now in the midst of their first divorce. It wasnt messy but it is divorce.
2 years later, I felt like I had to deal with this mess inside so I started counseling. Who would have thought it would be disastrous. Ok, it wasnt another hospital stay but it wasnt productive either. 95% of the time I spent in total silence or crying. Either way trying to form words that I forced myself to never speak of to any one. Well the result was me being kuck out of school for horrible grades because I just couldnt cope any more. But I cant tell anyone.
Here I am 20 years later and facing the same dilemma. I need to vocalize these things I am holding on to but I cant. I cant put them out there so they keep me up at night trying to figure out how to not become swallowed by them and give in to what they tell me is best. It is now 630am and they fight to remain they only thing I think about. I am weak. I am tired. I feel like giving in.
Here it is nearly 130am and I am lying here trying to silence my mind while much of the world is fast asleep. It's a battle I have been fighting for a few weeks now. I thought I was winning nearly a year ago. I was asleep before the late night shows came on. Slowly things returned. Some days, a bad movie helps. Other days, a sleep aid is needed.
There are a few reasons why. Continuing to suppress feelings and emotions doesnt help. When the feelings creep in, I push them back and try harder to find distractions.
Then there is the physical pain. 2 months from the procedure and I am thoroughly dissappointed. My hopes were high. The results are half and half. While the bleeding as reduced tremrndously, the physical pain remains. It is constant and more painful than before. None of this is uncommon. My dr did try to keep me level headed but I had sky high hopes. The realization that my dreams were again squashed is difficult. Guess this is the time I forgot to hope for best but prepare for worst.
Then there is the high blood pressure. While it is under control as confirmed by my most recent appt, there is a lingering thought that one day it will stop work and I will die in my sleep. Since I am not suicidal and havent been for months this thought is troubling. When my bp was at it's highest I had no symptoms. No headaches or dizziness. I was fatigued but I was also anemic. The last thing I want right now is to have my family find me no longer alive. The drs have terrified me enough that it is a daily thought. Thanks for nothing doc...
These are the things that have me up at 130am knowing the alarm will go off in 5 hours. So I guess it is time to take some pain meds. I hope there is some Tylenol PM left. Maybe I can be sleep in the next hour.
It has been 6 weeks. I had hope by week 3 that this procedure would work. That my dr giving me news in my last visit that there were some abnormalities in the samples taken during the procedure would just be her being overly cautious. That all this somewhat triggering stuff was over. A month post-op I was happy that this would be the end. But then came the cramping and spotting. I had hoped that this would bring me back to at least normal but it hasnt. I have pain daily. I am too afraid to contact my dr because they will think I am not allowing enough time to know what my normal is. But I am starting to believe this isnt it. Basically, I am scared. I dont want another procedure right now. I dont want to go through an exam right now. But every day I am hurting physically, I start to hurt more mentally as well. I take pain meds when I must like to get through work but I try not to other days because I dont want the meds to become useless or I grin and bear it until I cant anymore.
So I am treading the line of acting too quickly and waiting too late. I dont want either but the procedure was never a guarantee. It was to give me a bit of relief. It was really to minimize the issue so I no longer was anemic. I am just disappointed. I wanted this to be a bit of a cure without having to make the ultimate decision of a hysterectomy. I allowed myself to have high expectations and failed to prepare for reality.
So, I heard something on the radio the other morning which I know has been a HUGE struggle for me over the years. Being vulnerable. Being vulnerable has always been a huge struggle for me. I hardly let anyone see any of my emotions or internal struggles. In the 4th grade, I asked for a new bike for my birthday. I wasn’t sure that my parents would be able to afford one but that was the only thing that I wanted. The day of my birthday, I got my bike. Internally, I was ecstatic because I know they had to sacrifice to get it. (My siblings and my birthdays are within 6 weeks of each other with my sister and I only being 2 weeks apart). On the outside, I said a polite ‘thank you’. I made sure that I was tall enough for it and new how to operate the gears and brakes. I rode it once that evening for about 5 mins. Not because that was all the time I was allowed to ride it but because, I didn’t know how to allow anyone to see my excitement. For my 16th birthday, I received a car. At the time, I had not asked for a car. Not because I didn’t want one but because I knew my parents could afford one. Shelling out a $1500 expense with 3 teenagers was extravagant and just couldn’t be justified. I had just returned from a gifted cruise (my cousin had recently been placed on punishment and I went in her place) and my parents surprised me when I came home. Again, internally, I was jumping up for joy. Not only did I get what I really wanted but it was total shock and surprise because I didn’t ask for it. Externally, I smiled and again said thank you. For a week, my parents thought I didn’t like the gift because I wasn’t boasting about it to anyone. I couldn’t wait to get behind the wheel and be ‘free’. (I got the car a week before my birthday, so I still had my permit and couldn’t drive it anyway) Again, I couldn’t allow them to see the utter excitement that I had about the sacrifice they made to get me something I would really enjoy. I later learned that my grandmother had purchased the car for me. That didn't change anything because now I knew that the one thing my parents probably wanted to be the greatest surprise for me, they couldn't do on their own. These are 2 examples but there are countless others that extend past the material items and into mental well-being.
But when I think about it, this has always been the case. From the earliest I can recall, I have always not allowed ANYONE to see fully past that wall that I had placed up. Is it because of the males that had taken advantage of me at an early age? Is it because that is the life that I was brought up in by my parents or other relatives? Is it because I was conditioned other places that being vulnerable made you weak and susceptible to danger, threat or be taken advantage of? I have yet been able to pinpoint where it started but I can see it’s affects throughout my life and in everything I do. I take very little credit for anything that I have done that would be considered an accomplishment to others. Even when I know that my feelings have been hurt, trust broken, I rarely show anyone that. I typically stay calm, cool and collected on the outside and trembling with fear or a ball of confusion on the inside. Recent example is my medical procedure. I knew that given the symptoms, I was having what would occur. I had a procedure before and I knew how it affected me mentally and physically. Even the testing and exams that were needed to determine what procedure to have were triggering. None of them every knew. I told everyone what would happen and that they had nothing to worry about. If it hadn’t been for the fact that I couldn’t drive home afterwards, I would have told no one to come with me. I had to present a front of being strong and OK. The procedure, although very common, had to appear as if I had it done like brushing my teeth each morning. It was nothing big and I would be breeze through it. Inside though, I was panicked. I had to take a medication before the procedure that would cause triggering pain and I knew I would only be able to take Tylenol for it which over the counter would have no effect. I knew that after the procedure, I would be in some pain that again would be triggering for me. I also knew that I would have stronger pain medications that would keep me sedated for it but I shouldn’t rely on to avoid my emotions. I knew that preparation for the procedure would be a struggle and I would be extremely conscious of if I had prepared enough. I knew that from the day I had to start preparing until weeks after, I would always feel insecure about what the doctor and nurses were going to be thinking if I had not been prepared enough. When people asked me how I was doing, I told them I was OK, even though I was still feeling pain. My sister and my niece became ill shortly before and after my procedure. So now we were all going to be in a position of needing someone and all we had was each other with my niece dependent on us both. And due to another extended family emergency, we have 2 additional children in the house to take care of and try not to send back sick in a couple of days. So, I sucked it up and did what was needed in order to take care of them and not try to catch what they had and take care that the dogs were fed and not tearing up the place. But I was and am in turmoil most of the time still. There are intermittent pains that I have just from sitting at work all day to the pains of my body just trying to heal itself after the procedure. I know that the latter will continue for at least 2 more weeks. With me being the only person working, I can afford to just take off when I don’t feel well. Even my post-op in a couple of weeks I am trying to decide to tell the doctor the truth or a lie or a partial truth. She is not aware of my past. This was an intentional omission on my part but I am sure obvious to her by now. Dangerous move? Yes. Necessary for me? Yes.
It even shows up in my relationships with people whether they are family or not. With family, they have become use to it but they still ‘joke’ about it. There are the jokes about how I don't hug anyone or rarely say I love you or cry about much of anything or show much anger. Some days, it stings a little. Other days, I push through with a strained attempt to hug or say a quick love you so that they are appeased for a short period of time. I call it being a work in progress and trying. The truth is much of the time, it feels like fire to utter those words or give/receive that hug. With friends, I try to never let them see me sweat. If I am having a bad day emotionally, they accept it as me being tired or that I am just the shy silent type and don’t participate like that. Sometimes, I even say it is because I just don’t like people and have reached my limit for the day. Usually though, I am feeling something that I cannot express out of fear of what will happen if I do. Whether that is fear of other people’s reaction or fear of how much I will show of myself to only be rejected, be invalidated or my feelings be minimalized as not that big of a deal. While it may not be a big deal to anyone else it is a huge deal to me. I am the one feeling it and I am the one dealing with it. Others may be worse situations and making it through or in similar situations and making it through but they are not me.
Entries in this blog were even supposed to help me break down this wall that I have placed up for the better part of 40 years. I find that I am censoring myself on this too. It took me 45 mins to write to this point and I wrote it on MS Word just in case I changed my mind about adding it as an entry. By the end, I will have read it 3-4 times. I have edited it so much I wish I had just left it in its original form because now it seems too rehearsed or planned or some paper to be graded for school. I will try to get the point across without getting too detailed in what I am really thinking. Why? Even strangers that I will never meet cannot enter my safe place for fear even their replies will taint the place I have shielded myself from the rest of the world. Even though I recognize all of this, it is still extremely difficult to not be this type of person. The moment that I even think I can gather the words to say ‘help me’ great fear takes over. I can’t say that there have been enough times that I have been supported when I show some vulnerability that outweigh the times when seeking help was more hurtful than not saying anything at all. And because my circle of friends or safe people is small, when the hurtful ones happen, I feel like there is nowhere else to turn. The safest people to let in are no longer safe. Or they are only safe for very minute issues like work sucked today or the stranger at the store was rude. I admire people who can allow themselves to be free in this manner though. There is a strength in being vulnerable. There is trust in being open enough to allow people in to see that you are not putting up a facade. I am sure that they have been hurt by people who abused this but they still press forward and open up to others for the sake of their own growth. They put fear aside to allow in the help that they need. The put pride aside. I am not saying without vulnerability you can’t grow but the damage that it can do internally puts a strain on you mentally because you hold onto a lot of frustration, anger, anxiety and just stress.
I don’t know. At this point, I am just hoping and that the little I am doing will eventually build to something much bigger and years down the road, I can look back and see how far I have come. But right now, it feels like a task that I just don’t want to do. That the little bit I have done is all that I will ever be capable of and one day I will have to learn to accept this weakness and continue to suck it up when they jokingly poke fun at me.
And nearly 2 hours later, I am still contemplating posting this and chipping away at the barbed wire, steel reinforced concrete wall that seems better than any maximum security prison ever built.
I finally got approval for my surgery after months of dealing with my blood pressure. I am now 3 days after surgery. I will say I was a bit worried of how I would be enotiinally but it all seemed to go so well. I slept off the anesthesia day 1 with very minimal after effects. I had no bleeding and by bedtime very minimal cramping. But I could feel the emotions starting to trickle in. Day 2 was different. No cramping. No bleeding and the emotions had subsided. I thought this will be a breeze. No painkillers needed and I am back to normal. I started moving around trying to make sure I didnt overdo it. After all, I did just have a procedure less than 48 hrs ago. But again, the evening came and I started to feel like I was cramping again? Is that real pain or repressing emotions pain? Is it all in my head? I took some ibuprofen instead of the hard stuff just in case. I dont really like the hard meds because they make me sleep and I was uncomfortable but not in terrible pain. Day 3 and the cramping remained. Starting to feel like this whole process may be a fail. Reminding myself that this is normal. This isnt a fail and I should be experiencing this 72 hrs after. The dr said that I could experience spotting for a few weeks off and on and because of the ablation, I should feel cramping as scar tissue forms. But I dont want meds because, I had worse pain than this a week ago and took nothing. I can tough this out. Now I am spotting again and cramping.
I am trying to keep in mind this is normal but it is starting not to work. I am starting to feel the surge of emotions from the real or imaginary pain. I wasnt really prepared for this I think. I focused so much on ensuring I got the surgery that I put it out of my head that there are emotions that I will feel from the pain. I forgot to do what I normally would do. Prepare myself. So I am trying to practice self-care. Being kind to myself. Resting. I am back to taking meds because I dont want to loose sight that the pain is real even if it is mild. Reducing the pain will reduce the emotional aspect. I am reminding myself that none of this is the result of my past. All the women in my family from the eldest to the newst adults have had a similar issue. They either are srill dealing with it or had it resolved many years ago. This isnt my fault. I am not to blame. I did the right thing.
I return to work on Monday. Physically, I can do it. Physically, I am ok to return. Now to manage the emotional and mental. I can do this. I got this. I have been been in worse places and turned it around. I can do this.
Perfectly made with flaws. Flaws to encourage growth and wisdom
Intelligent. Knowledge I have gained and more knowledge to obtain.
Kind. But able to display anger when not treated in kind
Safe. No longer surrounded by those who wish me physical harm
Brave. To face my fears, past and current
Open. Open to the possibilities that life has to offer
Loved. And I can give love to others
Strong. To fight the demons and battles that come my way
Able. I can do all things I set my mind to achieve
Worthy. Worthy of all that life has to offer and all opportunities headed my way
Enough. Being my individual self makes me enough for anyone I come in contact with. Enough that I dont have to change to be loved, appreciated or cared for.
Reminding myself I have more to offer than the negative thoughts that fill my head and hold me back from being the best me that I can be.
While going for preop for my procedure, my blood pressure was super high. High enough that surgery would not happen withiut primary dr clearance. Additionally, they took me to ER to control immediate blood pressure. The primary dr says in addition to meds I need to destress. But they wont clear me until bp is below 160/80. That was 2 weeks and 3 prescriptions ago.
I am not sure how they expect me to lower stress at this point. They may not mean to but they scare me that high bp is a silent killer with no signs much of the time. So now I am scared to sleep for fear of dying in my sleep. I am scared that a headache or pain in my arms or legs is a stroke warning. I am afraid that a moment of feeling lightheaded is a sign of high or low bp. I still have the original condition that remains to be treated. That causes its own symptoms and issues. Now how do you destress from that? Those things coupled with normal living and trying to figure out how to pay for all of this. Each dr visit is 60-100 bucks. The surgery is another 3000. The labs. The hours missed from work. How do you destress from that???
I am losing weight which is not intentional. I am waking at odd hours even after going to sleep at a decent time. Do they realize that they cause additional stress? And I am losing control over the situation. When I started this, I planned it out. I had time to prepare myself for what I knew was to come. And now...now it's all in someone else's hands and I am a spectator. I am just doing what they say. I have lost hope that I will get the procedure in the next few months.
Now I am just ready to be done with all of it. No more drs. No more needles. No surgery. I managed these things before. I will again. I need to regain some semblance of normalcy again. This isnt it. This is chaotic and stressful.
The results are in and they are normal. One month, hours of worry and a few tears shed. It would have been nice to know this when they knew it. But better late than never, right? So, the biopsy did show that I am facing the same situation as 8 years ago. I have been there and I know what that means. I know what that process looks like.
So now I wait for an appointment so I can get someone to take me since It requires me to be under. I decided not to do a hysterectomy. Emotionally, I just cant. Plus, the cost is astronomical. At least my insurance has a higher deductible than the last one.
So now I can really breathe a sigh of relief. I can prepare for the next step and hope that I beat the odds on having another recurrence.
Another week has come and gone and I still know nothing. I called the dr office 3 times. The first time, the dr called and left a message. Since I was working I couldnt answer. She apologized and said she was out for the rest of the day but to call and tell them if ok to leave results on a message. I call back and then nothing. I waited until Monday to call again. The nurse tells me she is out until Tuesday and will leave a message for her. I tell her I am a bit anxious about it. She says that considering the dr isnt calling urgently and she hasnt given her a head's up that something is wrong they are probably ok.
Here we are on Wednesday and still nothing. So for my sanity, I am going to say the results are ok and think only of the 2 options I have to make. I cant keep stressing and waiting for the phone to ring. Or checking my email every 5 mins like a basket case. If she calls, fine. If she doesnt fine. I will worry about it more if I have additional symptoms. Going to another dr is beyond what I am capable of at this moment. It took me weeks to choose her. It would be weeks to research another. I just dont have the energy to do that.
Dont get me wrong, her bedside manner is great and she has been very underdtanding. She doesnt talk down to me or try to shame me. Until this, she has been great. Sometimes I think dr and most service professionals should be put in their client's position. Maybe then they would understand better. Maybe they will get the anxiety that we feel waiting on info about our care that only they have. Sometimes holding the answer to life or death.
So today is the last day I will spend allowing these results to determine my life. Well....I am going to try very hard to make today the last day.
It has been 11 days since the biopsy and I have no results. My dr said she would have the results in about a week. It has been 11 days. Early on I was concerned but it was manageable. If the results came back negative for cancer, I would have the lesser invasive procedure that would stop the bleeding. If they were positive, I was prepared to have the hysterectomy and any other procedures to give my body a chance to fight. The longer the wait, the more I am nervous either way. The longer it takes the more anxiety that builds up in me.
Both procedures would make me sterile which is fine...I think. I have never wanted to be pregnant. But the longer I have to wait the more I think about what that loss means for me. In an odd way it feels like a loss of femininity. Logically I know that really wont change but the loss is there to some degree. I am worried that it wont be enough either way. What if I end up with a negative result and 10 years later it all returns. I had this issue with bleeding about 8 years ago. The dr then sounded so certain it wouldnt return but here I am. The reason seems to be different. Polyps then. Fybroids now. I chose the lesser invasive procedure then because the alternative gave me the same feeling of loss as today. It felt right then. It feels like a mistake today.
I am trying to remain optimistic. When I told my dad he said the result is already set in place whatever it is. He will pray for healing no matter the result. I know that at this moment I am not ready to not fight to keep myself healthy and alive. I think about my aunt who had cancer and did not survive it. She fought with her last ounce of strength. I just dont know if the wait is a positive sign. If it was bad they would have contacted me immediately right? Or is it the wait is to determine how bad it is?
I dont know what the answer is right now. I do know I am going to try and not let the what-ifs take me to a dangerous place. I have never been so anxious about getting results from a dr as I am right now. I cannot wait for this to be over, one way or the other.
I am not sure which it is but my attempt at being open and honest is unsuccessful. I am definitely shutting out. Reaching out is just becoming too painful and isolating. It shouldnt be. People dont realize that words have power. They hurt whether we let on or not. They cut deeper than physical pain at times. And then there is the flat out dismissal of my feelings and thoughts. The dismissal of what I feel because it doesnt look like what they expect or want.
I dont think it is shutting down but it is what I want it to be. Shutting down symbolizes I no longer allow this crap to occupy constant space in my dailey thoughts. It exists but I put it back undrr lock and key. Yes, my feelings and unresolved guilt and shame exist but...they dont matter.
In writing this, it feels like I shouldnt say I am doing either. Announcing it feels attention seeking or not shutting out/down. Either way, attempting to reach out was a fail. Maybe another day I will feel less pessimistic about it.
I feel like I am constantly being handed lemons lately. Every time I turn around there is one issue or another. Work sucked so I changed jobs but right now that os a huge question mark. From the training to the test to the calls. It was a financial hit too. Thought we could manage that but the universe seems to think differently. I tried to manage that with a vehicle that required less maintanence. 2 months in and I am looking at a 1600.00 repair bill.
It just feels like every thing I try to right goes way wrong. Right now, I am just fed up and tired. Whatever karma has planned is a slow painful revenge. I like my revenges quick. More time to recuperate.
You ever have those moments where you are so filled with 'stuff' that all you want to do is scream? All of the pushing down of feelings to try to stay present and 'sane' have caught up with you? All the fighting to not remember, be triggered or 'keeping a brave face' have worn you down? In an attempt to feel nothing, you feel everything? Now you just want to scream. Scream like a coyote howling during a full moon. Everything feels raw. Your patience is failing. Your anger is building. Your mind is raging and torn between keeping the facade and releasing all that is in you.
That's my day. That is my life. Always fighting to keep myself from falling off a cliff. Its an exhausting task to maintain daily. Some days are easier but at some point I have to let all that 'stuff' see light. It must be released into the atmosphere so it doesnt injure me further. But releasing feels dangerous for me and anyone I am in contact with. There is fear of how bad it will hurt to feel all if that at one time. To not be able to fully describe all thosefeelings.
I have spent so much of my life stuffing. I just want to get past my past a live afuture not hindered by fear, mistrust, anger, shame, brokeness. I want to do that without harmingmy family. Without stirring up trouble. Without feelingmore isolated than I was before. Is that too much to ask? The answer seems to be a loud yes. My family structure is fractured enough. I dont want to do any more damage to anyone. Yes, after everthing, I still dont want to hurt them.
Shaking. The kind that you can feel start from the inside. From your bones to your veins to your muscles. Skin tingling. The trigger. Someone sat next to me.
I havent given my new co-workers the talk about my personal space. Last week one kept touching me. I silently prayed then. Today the prayer didnt work. I kept saying to myself, it will be fine. Sge will move soon. She didnt and the feeling kept building. I could no longer focus. The trembling became visible. Someone else saw and I got up.
I need to breath. I need to remain centered. Focused. Present. Count it out. Deep breath in. Slow release. It is not a good thing to flip out on them. You have to tell tthem soon.
It is frustrating when I cant sleep. If I fall asleep now, I can get 3 full hours but that wont happen. It is one of those nights where a billion thoughts are in my head and they all want to be answered of acknowledged. No sooner than I handle one another appears. And God forbid one becomes a complex stream of thought.
And it isnt just 1 train of thoughts. They are all over the place. Are the doors locked? What am I wearing to work? I should wash my laundry. My hair. What should I do with my niece's hair for summer? The less we have to do, the happier we all are. Did he call the insurance about his car? Wonder if I should see a doctor about pain in my elbow. The list goes on and on and on. A game doesnt help. Nor a movie and definitely not silence or darkness. The last 2 options cause the thoughts to be 10 times worse.
There was a time I could use work to solve this. Now I have to figure out something else.
If I sleep now, I can get 2hrs and 56 mins of sleep.
Maybe I am too hot but I have my fan and air on. Minimal cover because I must have it even if only on my feet. Not a milk person so no warm milk for me. Training is going to be painful at work. I am already bored and adding sleepy is not a good look. Lol I already fell asleep once last week. Cannot do it twice.
If I fall asleep now, I can get 2 hrs and 48 mins of sleep. Typing this on a phone takes longer than I thought. Maybe shorter if I made less spelling errors 😊
Think I am more awake now than I have been in the last few weeks lol. My body clock seems to have confused night and day.
Or maybe I just needed to have a conversation even if it is a one-sided one. Writing can be quite theraputic and relaxing. Something about thought to paper (in this case screen) relieves the mind. It releases just enough thoughts that sleep is possible. It will be waking up that will be an issue. I will revert to the kid who tells their parent 'I dont want to go to school today' or 'I'm sick' just to get to sleep in.
If I fall asleep now, I can get 2hrs and 25 mins of sleep. Let's see if I can beat the alarm.
I watched a movie the other night called 'The Tale'. I am not always one who reads the overview of a movie. The title catches my eye and I watch. This is one I probably should have passed on but I couldnt stop watching because I related so well to it. It is about a woman who receives a story she wrote when she was younger from her mom. The story was about a young girl who was manipulated and sexually assaulted. The film spends the rest of the time with her trying to reconcile the story with her memories from 30 years ago.
This is what I feel like daily. I feel like I have these memories that feel unreal. I feel like I documented something years ago, blocked it out and rewrote it. Now, my mimd is trying to determine which is the truth. Was I that young? Were there that many? Was it all a lie? A fabrication because I needed a tale? A reason forbeing the way I am. I know that the thoughts werent 'planted' by anyone. By the time I soughttherapy, the memories were already present.
I want to believe my memories and say that I am doubting myself because I was very young at the start. How can you trust the idea that a 5yr old or younger recalls something like that accurately? Or that a 12 yr old recalls her memories from that age accurately. Did I fill in the 'blanks' with what I believe is a plausible explanation?
In my head, it all seems extremely real. My emotions react to the memories. My body reacts to the memories. I feel negative responses when I think too long about the times it happened. The doubt creeps in though. I start to question the details. I start to wonder if I inserted a detail for a part I couldnt recall. Did something I felt was inappropriate happen and it was completely innocent?
Because I do have such specific memories of before, during and after the events I am trying to have faith that they are true. It would be difficult for a child who hasnt experienced it to have such details and remain consistent.
Realistically, I should have turned this movie off as soon as I saw where it was going. The fact is I related too well and couldnt turn it off. Most other films deal with someone lying about it or drunk or drugged or have memories planted by someone else to explain their behaviour. In this case, it was none of those. The only difference is she seemed to block out much of it includimg what she looked like at that age. Picturing herself curvier and fuller and more adult-like. I can see myself as the child I was.
Part of healimg for me is to resolve the doubt. Until I do so, I will be stuck. I will always be moving in a circle. Always reverting to past behaviours when I think I have made.some progress. It isnt progress though. Its a pointless effort that I will have to repeat when the cycle comes back around. The woman in the film confirms what happened with another person, her mom and confronts the abuser. There is no one who can confirm it for me. I cannont comfront some of them because they are dead or have moved on in life. Others have family ties. As a cousin of mine says, we have enough broken branches on the family tree. Anymore and it will be a dead tree. And there is the one that I just cant. It has been my hope that confronting them is not required in my healing. They are all pretty dead to me. I dont speak with them at all. I may be proven wrong later. If so then that is when I will do it.
Today, the doubt is minimal and tamed. That is all I can ask for.
Yesterday was Memorial Day. It is the 1 day a year I plan to go to the cemetary. I go to say hi to my family. The 'unplanned' trips are because I am at a breaking point. Those usually turn out very bad. Unfortunately, some of that family was toxic. My mother's family has the most in one place. Sadly, they are all together so there is no avoiding specific ones. Luckily I dont go alone. It is helpful because I dont get emotional and sit there crying alone. That doesnt mean that I am not affected. It becomes a suffering in silence and trying to push back negative emotions and thoughts. I still am angry for what I believe some of them knew but did nothing to stop it and for those who were directly responsible. I just wish the day would come that I am less affected, de-sensitized in a way.
But that is a long way off. If it ever happens. I am not holding my breath either way.
I have become more aware that I must stay busy. After changing jobs and being in training unti July, I am bored. If nothing else I always had something to do before. Now, I try to be patient while everyone else catches on. That is not meaning I am smarter than them. I just have a bit more experience with some of the tools than they do. I remember when I was 'tech' support for it for 2 years. I am also use to using 10+ systems to do my job so I am not confused by having so many windows open on 1 screen. It is a transition of working all the time to only 8hrs a day. I am having to re-learn how to occupy the downtime without sinking into a deep depression.
So here is to hoping that aknowledging these 2 things relieves some anxiety and the Sandman sprinkles his magic dust over me before 2am.
This is week 3 of training and I am still clueless I feel. Still a lot I just dont get. It just doesnt make sense yet. Still have 9 weeks to go. The 2nd biggest change is the free time I have. No more working late nights, early calls, interviews, reports, babysitting grown adults. No more worrying how to keep the account afloat and trying to convince people to stay when the company is showing them they dont matter. I have my evenings free. I can just relax. But that would be too easy lol. I have too much time now. I still stay awake until 2am.
I can say a lot of the stress has been relieved. I am all for a challenge but this challenge was set to fail from the start. So I have started crocheting again. Using that to occupy some time. Catching up on Netflix. Their original films are awesome. I have plenty of time to study but havent brought myself to do it. Reading about stocks and bonds, life insurance, taxes and retirement accounts is boring as h%$%. I am trying to be sure to not allow myself to slip so easily into my own mind and negative thoughts of myself or others. I was there for a few days. Realized where I was headed and just decided to push past it. It sounds like avoidance but just trying to stay out of dark and unsafe places mentally. One thing we do in training daily is to name 2 things that went well for the day. To keep away from everything the others say has been a challenge. There are 14 people including the trainer and me. 12 of then say daily how the training is starting to make sense every day. It is now day 13. I try to stay away from that. Choosing anything I can. It is beneficial doing this brcause I have to think of something good that day. That is a new challenge. I have resorted to a daily countdown to friday lol.
But so far it's ok. I am pushing through and slowly learning. Just a couple more major steps to get past. I can relax more after that I think. Hmmmm maybe my hair will grow back now. That would make it worth it!
So....I havent updated this in a long time. A few reasons for that.
First, after almost 7 years, I resigned from my job. The people I worked with in my office were mostly great. My boss was definitely my top boss ever. She had what I lack in the people area and I had the operational stuff down. Having the most tenure on my account helped a lot. At the end of the day, several things caused me to throw in the towel. I was way overworked and underpaid. I was putting in about 60 hours a week. I was sleeping about 3-4 hours a night. I was burned out and the workload was not getting any better. Because my account team is based in the UK, I started getting emails before I woke up each day. They didnt let up until the early evening US time. I was stretched and stressed beyond normal levels. Because the US company was being poorly managed, my agents were leaving left and right. The moral at the site was the lowest I have ever seen. No pay raises in more than 3 years and horrible benefits. The recruiting team was a disaster for the quality of applicants and their process.
Anyway, the final straw came with layoffs in leadership positiins at the end of March. Now they werent getting raises and no opportunity to advance. They were evn laying off my boss. There were many talks with HR before and after this but nothing changed. No new business and no changes in workload. So I gave my notice. It saved myboss her job. Now she sees the pain I endured for 5 years. I now work in the same building but on another floor and for a different company. I see her daily. The other day we literally had the same conversation from 7 months ago but in reverse. She was on the verge of tears feeling like she was a failure. We laughed at the role change but she understood what I was saying to her now. So I still help her out but as an 'advisor' only.
My new job is challenging. I am clueless right now and worried. Keeping the job requires a federal license. I dont feel able to pass the test right now. It all sounds like blah blah blah. The others claim they are getting it. My trainer said sometimes you have a look like what the hell. I told him I was probably thinking that but I am trying.
One thing I have come to realuze is the old job kept me from having to think so much about my own issues. There just wasnt enough time in the day to think of myself. Now, I got plenty of time and thats all I do. This cycle is frustrating and hard. I am suppised to think about it to acknowledge my feelings. Tgat is supposed to help me verbalize them and nit internalize them. I am supposed to be forgiving them and myself. I am supposed to be moving forward and releasing the hold of fear. What is really happening us cycles of depression. I am emotionally stunted. An adult with emotiinal state of a 7 yr old. Feeling like the child who is still learning what I feel and when or if I am free to express them. I am stagnate. Stuck. I hear and read about techniques to help me move forward but I am still in that place. The one where you are still at step 1 of a 12 step process. I am so inhibited that I feel like I am shutting down all emotions, happy or sad. I pray for deliverance of this part of me. I dont see anything that has changed. We went to a church revival today and if I wasnt distracted by my own thoughts, I was trying to decide which emtion to expres while the preacher gave her sermon. I understoid what she was saying and it touched my. But all I could do was stare mindlessly. By the time I decide on a reaction, the moment is gone.
I am losing what little bit of myself I have. I dont think GOD is hearing my prayers.
Because my brain is all jumbled and my heart is hurting...
I am finding it hard to stay centered right now. I try and get about 3 good hours. After that I am worthless. I cant help but focus on the message I got Thurs. I cant help but think of all that may want me gone. I cant help but think of how much I wanted this job to work only to have this happen. This was my career. My place to retire. I keep trying not to cry. I have to move on and move forward. But what I want is to hide in my bed. I dont want to talk or see anyone. My insecurities are coming back to the surface. Things I try to hide in many ways.
I feel alone. But I set it up that way. I have pushed and pushed. The wall is still there even though I painted a pretty picture on it. Now it is a pretty wall. It still blocks the world from me. I am still protecting myself as much as possible. I still hold everyone at arm's length. That is true for everyone. I dont have long friendships. Hell I cant even keep friends.
I feel like a bit of a burden. My mood swings can be vast. I can spend a day in so many different moods I get motion sick. And when the wrong one sticks, it stays for weeks. Because I dont want to be the person who is dragging everyone down, I put on the face. Whatever was bothering me no longer matterson the outside. Inside I have so much to say. I have a need to release what is bubbling up inside. Normally I would take a drive to help clear my head. But I cannot do that due to my car acting up. And I dont even want to deal with that right now. I need to but I just want it to magically work for me.
Everyone says you look tired. I am. Physically, emotionally and mentally. Last thurs and fri I couldnt sleep. Caught an hour here and there. I normally spend a few days a week working 16hr days. So I am tired. If they only knew the emotional portion is taking the greatest toll on me.
So it is nearly 3am. I am writing this because I really want to go for a long walk and cry. I am writing this to not cause physical harm. I am writing thisbecause using my voice is too difficult. I am writing this so I get it out. I am writing this because drinking wont solve anything. I am writing this because I want a semi-peaceful sleep. I am writing this because I am hurting. I am writing this becauseI want a hug but cant accept it. I am writing this because it is 3am and I cant stop thinking.
I am so heartbroken by the message I got yesterday. I cancelled all of my meetings. I spent more time crying at work than actually working. My boss sent me an email that she hadnt heard about a petition. In the afternoon she came to talk with me. She wanted to know who told me. I know who told me but they are not part of our organization so telling her who it was is pointless plus I dont know who said they were doing the petition and neither does the person who told me. She asked if there was anything she could do. She insisted that what they say is not true and that she never has had any complaints or concerns come to her. As much as I tried, I cried because that is all that I could do. she told me to stay home Friday but I know all I will do is cry and have troubled sleep so I declined. She says she has told no one else. I dont know that I believe any of what she says right now.
I cancelled all meetings for Friday as well. I am only speaking when required. If I am not hiding because I am crying I sit at my desk and try to focus. I am moving as best as I can. I just want to not go to work but if I dont keep going in, I wont go back at all. I am literally crushed right now. I came home and force myself to eat and then slept for 5 hours. I dont know what to do. I dont know who to trust and I feel completely alone. There is no one I can talk to about this who I feel is not biased. I am lost. I am damaged. I started deciding what was the best way for me to die. Although I have these thoughts regularly, I have not planned it in almost a year. Realizing what I was doing only added to the sadness. It felt like I was attempting to make some progress only to be setback.
I have no reason to believe the messenger has ill intentions. They are not in my department. The dont typically communicate with anyone from my area. I trust them and dont trust them at the same time. That probably doesnt make a ton of sense to anyone else but it does to me. I cannot fully concentrate. It is even worse than my normal lack of concentrate. I am just lost. The best thing for me to do is just try to go to sleep.