kyva

Member
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About kyva

  • Birthday 04/07/1982

Profile Information

  • Gender Female
  • Interests writing, hiking, poetry, outdoors, art, drawing, painting, music

Previous Fields

  • MembershipType Survivor

Contact Methods

  • Website URL http://alyiakallen.blogspot.com/
  • ICQ 0
  1. I Think I'm A Survivor.

    What you are feeling now is a natural reactions upon many survivors. It takes time to heal. It has taken me over 10 years to get to the point I am at now. Just take it one day at a time and remember that we all heal differently. Welcome to AS.
  2. I Need To Stop Doing This

    Thank you for the wonderful support Tamara ;)
  3. I Need To Stop Doing This

    I am very proud of all that I have overcome in the past year. I am finding however that writing my story is a tad difficult. Need to take it in small amounts, you know?
  4. How many times have I fallen from the net in the past 2 years? It seems like a lot when I think about it. I keep meaning to stat connected, but then get uneasy and sort of fade out. I do have some wonderful news though that I would like to share. I am also hoping to be more active and helpful in light of all of this. When I used to read through the forums about a year ago, everything was a trigger. I found it hard to offer support when I was still hurting inside. Over the past 1-2 years, I have spent a lot of time self-healing. I had started my own business, which built my self-esteem. I had to close it down due to $ issues, but now I have a full time job that I like which also pays well. My SO and I got our first apartment back in the beginning of May. We share the same bed, I do not flinch from his touch, back away or have flashbacks like I used to. I feel more confident, hold myself higher and just feel proud for all that I have survived. I can finally have sexual relations with him without crying or any twinge of memory or flashback. I am now able to fall in love completely, without fear of him not understanding or walking away. We plan to get bonded through a justice of the peace in the fall. We've been together for almost 7 years. Now, some of you may recall me working on something for other survivors. A book of sorts, with my poetry in it. The last time I worked on it, it sent sparks through my memory and I had to stop. That was over a year ago. I have since picked it back up and find that the poems do not trigger me. I also am starting a novel explaining what had happened as well as my healing process. The one thing that upset me most of all when I was hurt, was that I could not find any silent companion to take comfort from. I wanted to find a book that I could relate to, that would tell me everything would be okay and to know I was not alone. I feared telling anyone and wanted to keep it secret. Even now, such a book is one I have not found. I have found ones on statistics, numbers and workbooks, but not something along the lines of a survivor's journal. That is the full reason as to why I am writing up my past now. To bring comfort to others, in knowing what I have learned over the past 10.5 years. Hope you all have been well ;)
  5. Hi, I'm New Here

    I am sorry for whatever reason has caused you to find AS, but I also welcome you. Take all the time you need in getting settled in. I think we all hide behind a false name and that is okay. You are safe in these forums.
  6. Back And Forth

    To my fellow survivors, I hope you all are doing well. I have been ok, just in and out if you know what I mean. I had a downfall last week, which I am slowly pulling myself out of. As for my inactivity, a lot has happened. Back in april I lost my job. I left Thursday afternoons for therapy. They knew about this and yet kept asking for "doctors notes." I had explained that I do not feel comfortable with them knowing where I am going exactly and my therapist told me they had no right to know. Well, the kept hammering me, accusing me of cutting out of work early to do "fun things." They even threatened to fire me. I spent 2 days, sick with anxiety. I went in close to the end of the second day and blew up at my managers. I quit . . . it just was not worth it. Since then, I have been in business for myself. It has taken a while to get started, but things are going fairly well now. I like the fact that I make my own hours, so if I am having an anxiety attack, I do not need to call in sick. I have also been eating better and have not had as many shadows as I did when I worked in the doctor's office. Grant it, money is tight, but I think that goes for just about all of us. I also have not been back to therapy for almost 7 months. I do think my business keeps me busy enough to keep my mind on other things. I have had some time to reflect, but it has not been nearly as bad. I also have not tried to harm myself for almost a year now, so I am very happy. I hope this gets me up to speed. Sorry for vanishing a while ago. I still need to get my book of poetry out there.
  7. I did not forget all of you. I just got side-tracked for a few months. I am back .. sort of. Let's see .. so what all happened? I quit my therapy, i quit my job. I am just now opening my own business to the public of making vegan friendly bath & body products. I still have not finished writing my poetry collection and I still suffer from my demons and shadows .. though not nearly as much. I am glad to have found my way back.
  8. What Did You Do For You Today?

    i made a peanut butter sandwich and a nice, big cup of tea.
  9. A Survivor

    are always welcome ;)
  10. A Survivor

    I just wanted to thank everyone for their kind welcome and wonderful words. I have been to many comunitie, which i read a lot first before posting . . i generally do not post as some forums sound . . . fake? It's hard to say, but i am a really cautious person as i am sure you will learn sooner or later. However, the stories here, i can tell are full truths and not just some jerk playing pretend to get attention or in on some conversation. we all need to be so careful who we tell and what we share, for it opens ourselves up. For me, telling my friends and ex . . it opened me up to be abused a second and even third time. So when looking for a community, i remained silent and very cautious. I have been reading as a guest for some time and it just sort of . . felt right. sorry if i am not making much sense
  11. A Survivor

    It is not a commonly used way to describe myself and what i have been through. In most cases i will speak of myself as a victim and how my past has hurt me, what it has taken from me .. many of which i will never get back. Here on AS many of you speak of being survivors, which means that though it is a dark past you are been touched with, you are still holding strong and moving forward. Some of you even write about how far you have come, instead of saying all the wrong that has been done. I want to go from being a victim to a survivor, in my own eyes. Though I still breathe and lay awake at night, I died inside almost 10 years ago. I want to bring my life back to me and call myself the survivor that i truly am. However it seems . . . saying i am a survivor is just as hard as saying the word r*pe. It is something i find very difficult and am horribly uncomfortable with. Please, help me take the last steps in my journey of healing, to accept me for who i am . . a young woman, a survivor who is still going strong.