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  2. I’m new here

    Thank you everyone for your kindness. I’m overwhelmed by your support. This has been a lonely journey that I have been on until today. I started counselling today. Which was another huge step for me. I’m emotionally done for the day, but I didn’t want to not say thank you for the kindness.
  3. Today
  4. I’m new here

    Hi Maajpvram, Welcome to AS. I am very sorry for what you went thru as a child. It was wrong and unfair to you. You will find tons of support and understanding here. I am sorry also that you are having difficulty with your husband. It is often hard to understand from a non-survivor perspective. Perhaps reaching out here will show him you do want help and any step we take is actually huge. It's not easy what we live with and it's not easy to share it. Beyond your husband, I do hope you find support for all those struggles we survivors go thru. You are not alone. Take your time and look around. I wish you the best on this complicated journey of healing. Mary
  5. Hello

    Hi leeny, Welcome to AfterSilence. I am very sorry for the trauma you experienced just a few months ago. Nobody ever has the right to hurt another in this way. Sadly there is a need for this place to exist, but it's also a relief to not be walking this path alone. You are not alone. Take your time and look around and do know that support and understanding are around each corner. I wish you the very best as you walk this path of healing. Mary
  6. I’m new here

    Hi @Maajpvram Welcome to AS. I'm sorry for the trauma in your life that has brought you here, but I'm glad you found the site and decided to join. This is a safe space and no one will judge you here. We are all here to support each other. You can and will heal from your childhood abuse. Healing takes time, but it is possible. I hope you end up finding this site to be as helpful as I do.
  7. Hello

    Hi @leeny Welcome to AS. I completely understand the mixed feelings. While I wish we all had a reason not to be here, I'm at least glad that we all have a safe space to support each other. I'm sorry about what happened to you. Please know that I believe you and that it was not your fault. I hope you end up finding this site to be as helpful as I do.
  8. I’m new here

    Hello @Maajpvram and welcome to AS! I'm sorry that you have reason to be here, but am hoping that you will see that there is strength in numbers and you're not alone! I am sad to hear that you and your husband are having troubles. It's not uncommon for a survivor to have difficulty finding a balance between a healthy relationship and a past that is marred by trauma. I do hope that reconciliation can be achieved as you begin to heal from your childhood abuse. Wishing you all the best and lots of luck! - Capulet
  9. Hello

    Welcome to After Silence, @leeny. I am totally with you on the mixed feelings - but I mostly am glad that our community exists. So many people share in your struggles with PTSD and other effects of trauma. I'm so sorry that you had reason to join, but I'm hopeful that having done so will bring you comfort and healing. Please take your time looking around and jump in whenever you're ready. We're all rooting for you. Best wishes, Capulet
  10. I’m new here

    Dear @Maajpvram Welcome to After Silence. I am sorry to hear of the trauma you have been through! Being here has helped me so much. Everyone is so caring and supportive here. I am proud of you for reaching out. I know that is hard to do. I also know that you will find that needed compassion and support here within our community. Know we are here for you and we will listen whenever you would like to lean on us. Take care and please do not hesitate to ask for any help if you ever need it.
  11. Hello

    Dear @leeny Welcome to After Silence. I am sorry to hear of the trauma you have been through! Being here has helped me so much. Everyone is so caring and supportive here. I am proud of you for reaching out. I know that is hard to do. I also know that you will find that needed compassion and support here within our community. Know we are here for you and we will listen whenever you would like to lean on us. Take care and please do not hesitate to ask for any help if you ever need it.
  12. I’m new here

    Welcome to After Silence. I think most people have mixed feelings about this forum existing. I’m sorry for what brought you here but I’m happy you are here reaching out for support. Good job taking this step in your healing process. You are not alone and what happened to you wasn’t your fault. Take your time exploring and post when you are ready. If you have any questions feel free to message me.
  13. Hello

    Welcome to After Silence. I think most people have mixed feelings about this forum existing. I’m sorry for what brought you here but I’m happy you are here reaching out for support. Good job taking this step in your healing process. You are not alone and what happened to you wasn’t your fault. Take your time exploring and post when you are ready. If you have any questions feel free to message me.
  14. Trade my joy for my protection 

  15. I’m new here

    Hi. I hate this fact this forum exists. But feel glad (in a guilt induced kind of way) that there’s somewhere I could go to talk. My marriage has broken down and my wonderful husband has left me, because I refused to seek help over what happened to me as a child. That sounds harsher than it is. He’s a wonderful man, who got pushed past his breaking point. Hi.
  16. Hello

    Hello all, I have mixed feelings about being here. I wish there was no need for this forum to exist, yet I am glad it does. I was raped in March of this year and subsequently diagnosed with PTSD. Life has been a struggle since. I am looking forward to being part of such a supportive community.
  17. New here

    Hello Beccawife32, how are you today? I hope you are fine. I'm sorry about what brought you here. It was not your fault. I hope you will find this group helpful. You are not alone. Take care.
  18. New here

    Hi Beccawife, Welcome to AfterSilence. I am very sorry you have reason to be here, but happy you've reached out. You will find this community friendly and supportive. You are not alone. Take your time and look around. Jump in when you are comfortable to interact. I wish you the best on this joureny of healing. Mary
  19. Glad to find this place

    Dear @JenXJenny, I'm sorry for the abuse you suffered in your young adult years. You will find many kind and supportive people here who understand what it's like to carry the pain of sexual abuse and the triggers that come in the years after. What you said above resonated with me because I also watched Dr. Christine Ford and it was very triggering/revealing for me. Wishing you peace and healing, Gold Raindrops
  20. Hi All.

    Dear @edfisch, I'm so sorry for the pain you've been carrying. I dealt with the same feelings for a long time. I am happy you found us, because there are many kind and supportive people here who understand the suffering of abuse and the feelings that come up in the aftermath. Feel free to read through the site and post whenever you like. Blessings, Gold Raindrops
  21. New here

    Dear @Beccawife32, I'm sorry for the abuse you suffered in your early years, and for the years of destructive relationships. That is common among survivors. I'm happy you found your way here - there are many kind and supportive people in our community happy to help each other heal. Feel free to look around, read our forums and post whenever you like. Gold Raindrops
  22. New here

    Welcome to After Silence. I’m sorry for what brought you here but I’m happy you are here reaching out for support. Good job taking this step in your healing process. You are not alone and what happened to you wasn’t your fault. Take your time exploring and post when you are ready. If you have any questions feel free to message me.
  23. New here

    Hi, @Beccawife32 - Welcome to After Silence! It’s normal to continue to struggle with abuse even if you’re far along in your healing journey. I was recently talking to someone and mentioned that healing is a lifelong process. It’s almost like, in a way, we will all be healing for the rest of our lives. This is a wonderful place to find support and to make progress with healing! I hope as you look around, you’ll find what you’re looking for. If you have any questions or need anything at all, please let me know! I’m always here Hugs, Poppy
  24. Yesterday
  25. New here

    Dear @Beccawife32: Welcome to After Silence!! I'm sorry for what you have been through. I find it is easier to talk on forums then out loud. Being here has helped me so much, even from the first time I ever posted. It is still helping me - I have so much support here and I know you will, as well. Here at AS, we are like a big family and our members are kind and non-judgemental. I am sending you lots of safe hugs! Take care!
  26. New here

    Hi all, I am a survivor, who after years of self destructive relationships, is finally happily married to a very supportive husband. But I continue to struggle with abuse that began early in my life, so I am hoping to support others as well as receive support myself.
  27. This post has some references to suicidal thoughts. Please don't read ahead if you're feeling sensitive. Yikes! Is it already Friday?? This day really snuck up on me this week so this blog, while still being thoughtful and sincere, will be a bit of me just shooting from the hip. I guess it will just be about whatever it is on my mind today. I would like to be able to tell you a funny story seeing as my last two blogs have been SERIOUS downers, but I don’t have any funny stories right now. The past couple weeks have been rough to say the least. Don’t worry though, I’m still here with my dark and twisty sense of humor, so maybe this will be more lighthearted than I’m thinking right now. I had a few fleeting ideas yesterday, but never found one worthy enough to actually write about today. If you follow my posts on After Silence, you saw me post yesterday about the AWFUL therapy session I had. I considered writing more in depth about that, but I don’t know that I really want a full blog post dedicated to the woes of my inability to communicate my feelings. However, although I did not want to speak solely of my therapy session, it did get me (over)thinking about something I do A LOT that seems to make things really difficult for me. I’m guilty of OVERTHINKING. (Now that I’ve said it, I know you’re realizing that funny thing I did up above.) Yes, I overthink literally everything. I know of some individuals that are agreeing with me so hard right now. I am the queen of overthinking. This has caused SO MANY PROBLEMS in my relationships with other people and it took me until just recently to learn that this is what I was doing. What got me thinking of this yesterday was my therapy session. That session ended terribly, and it WAS my fault. Had I just slowed down and listened; it may not have happened. So, I suppose I will go into some detail for the sake of getting my point across. Let me first say that I wasn’t intending to delve into this, but I DID promise that this blog would be the unedited version of my life – the good, the bad, the ugly. While I won’t always share my therapy sessions with you, I will share this one. The beginning of the session was fine, so I won’t elaborate on that. But there was a point where I brought up a conversation I was having with another person that kind of upset me. Well, let me back up a bit. My therapist is all about me finding other sources of support aside from her. I realize now that she doesn’t mean this in a bad way, but she wants me to have other people I can talk to because that’s healthy. I used to overthink that a lot, but I see her reasoning more now. Anyway, I have a very hard time making “friends” or getting close to people. Partly because I have been burned so many times or my trust has been broken, and partly because I HATE feeling like a burden on other people. I worry about annoying people or them growing tired of me. But despite this, I have been working VERY hard to find people to trust and talk to, and right now, I’ve got three of those people in my corner. Which for me, is AMAZING. I had been talking to one of those three people recently. I opened up quite a bit to her and trusted her with a lot of information. We were mid conversation on Wednesday, I asked her a question, and she never responded. I was perplexed because it wasn’t anything too serious, I just wanted her opinion on something. There was something personal she found out about me and I asked her opinion on it, so it bothered me that she never answered. I wanted to know if she hated me now, or if her views of me changed, or if maybe she no longer wanted to speak to me because I have too much baggage. It’s now Friday, and I still have not heard from her. I’ve given up hope on her ever responding to that text. There’s nothing I can do about what she knows at this point. I brought this up to my therapist because she was asking how things were going with this individual. I told her things had been okay, but that she never responded to my message the day before and I didn’t know why. I wasn’t crying or overly upset about it, I was just…concerned? Making conversation? Answering her question? It wasn’t a huge deal. I was just letting her know what was going on. Her answer to that? She said, “maybe she’s too busy to answer.” Excuse me? Did I hear that correctly? You’re telling me that the person YOU encouraged me to open up to, the person you WANTED me to form a relationship with, the person you wanted me to REACH OUT TO, is now TOO busy to respond to me? Well if they were too busy, what was the point in making me reach out to them and open up to them in the first place? Why encourage me to do something like that if I was going to be a burden? These were the things running through my mind. In that moment, it felt as though everything was crashing down and I would never be able to speak to that person again because she probably thought I was annoying, and she was tired of me. Which is what eventually happens with EVERYONE. You’d think by now, I would catch on and I would be more prepared, but it still hurts. Mostly because I DID trust her, and I DID believe her when she said she wanted to be there. By now, I figured I had ruined it. It was over, and I was sad. My therapist continued to say that she was probably busy with her kids and her work and doing things around the house. Things that didn’t include me. Things that were more important than me. At that point, I had completely shut down. My mind had gone completely off the deep end and I felt completely alone. I was so angry at her for saying those things to me – for making me feel like a waste of space. I left her office and completely broke down, ugly crying, in my car. I had no one. I was completely and entirely alone and I could feel my heart breaking in half. As I drove back to work, (yes, I had to work after that which was not ideal) I thought about how much not only my therapist hated me, but how much everyone must hate me. I thought about how I was so screwed up no one would ever love me. My mind contemplated the very existence of my being and in that moment, I wanted nothing more than to disappear. (I told you – the good, the bad, and the UGLY.) I made it to work, composed myself, and went inside. I was still feeling isolated and hurt, so I reached out on AS for some support. Let me add here that this site has been a LIFESAVER to me! Thank you all for your unconditional support. I got some answers on here and a text from one of those special three people I mentioned earlier. I talked the situation out both on here and via text with my sweet friend. The general consensus was to work it out with my therapist, and by the time I had calmed down enough to rationally think about all of this, I realized everyone was right. I was encouraged to send an email to express my feelings and hopefully get some reassurance or some clarification on what happened. When I left her office, it really and truly felt that my therapist no longer cared about me. I knew she could see how upset I was, but she didn’t reach out or comfort me at all. I know that she doesn’t really prefer for me to email her about personal things, but this felt important enough to warrant a message. I typed out an email explaining why I was upset and what was going through my head. I left out the details of my ugly crying and my compulsion to end my life, but I did let her know what it was that upset me and why. I honestly did feel better after typing everything out, but after I hit that dreaded ‘send’ button, my world went back into a spiral. The overthinking started, yet again. What would she think of my email? What would she say? Would she respond at all? Does she hate me? Is she going to tell me I can’t see her anymore? Will she think I’m too emotionally involved? But alas, she responded within a couple of hours and soothed my fears. She assured me that what I HEARD was not what she SAID. While I heard the actual words she said, I did not perceive it the way she intended it. She let me know that she tried to further explain herself, but I had already shut down and was not willing to listen. Once she explained what she DID mean, I felt better. I truly did. Because I simply didn’t understand her the first time, and I wouldn’t LET her clarify. She meant the opposite of what I thought. She meant that she didn’t respond because she got sidetracked. She meant I WAS NOT a burden, but that she may have set her phone down and forgotten to respond. She meant that even though she WANTED to help me, something may have called her attention away from her phone. It wasn’t about me. She never meant that it was. Now I knew what she meant, and it did make me feel better. I’m still not THRILLED that I never got a response, but I at least understand a little more now. I’ll actually be seeing that person tonight, so maybe she will say something about it then. Or maybe she won’t but that will have to be okay too. I said I wasn’t going to delve into this ENTIRE story, but it was like my fingers were on fire and I couldn’t stop typing. Every detail felt so important. Maybe I just needed the time to release some of this and get it out on paper. I didn’t intend to share all of this with you, but here it is. My very exposed heart. In closing, I’m hoping this might be able to help another overthinker that may be reading this. Your thoughts won’t ruin everything, sometimes you just need to communicate. Those thoughts are usually misconceptions of your wandering mind. Information that isn’t true. So, don’t worry, you’ll be okay. Just remember to communicate and to clarify – that’s all we really can do. Thank you for taking the time to read about my own wandering mind. I appreciate all the support. Loves and hugs, Poppy
  28. Friday wisdom.  TGIF, everybody!

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    1. Show previous comments  1 more
    2. Amsekhmet

      Amsekhmet

      Thanks for giving me my smile for today! : )

    3. Capulet

      Capulet

      You got it, @Amsekhmet!!!!  I am raising my glass (of water) to this, today.  And smiling, too. :)  TGIF!

    4. 8888
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