A month since the heart attack and I am just now starting to think about getting back into life. It was so difficult trying to decide to fight through this and change my life and not just give up and finally get to rest and leave all the pain and darkness I have been dealing with in my head.
I came back to work today. Tired but going to try to see what I am still capable of doing. I think that my mindset has changed so much just in the past hour of being here. I have peace in my head and feel like I do have something to contribute even though I do not think I can be the warrior I used to be.
I have taken time lately to look at life through a different window, realizing that someday soon, I will no longer have this opportunity. My days are limited and strangely that gives me a feeling of being more alive than I have felt in a long time. Not so much that this will end soon, just that things matter to me now. A day sitting with best friend and laughing over stories of the past is delicious to my mind and wraps me in warmth like a blanket. I can feel the love coming from my husband when he hugs me just because he wants to be close. The look my dog's eyes are deep and revealing as he tells me so much in just a glance. I feel the sunshine and I smell the rain again. My heart, that little bastard that is giving up before me, beats in my chest and I finally feel it. I am alive as a human being and not a shadow for the first time in my life. I have a voice. I can smile in the sunshine. Hugs matter. Peace matters. Hellos and goodbyes are louder than they have ever been.
I get it now.
I just hope I have it long enough to explore the beauty of being alive and find someway of passing it on.