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What To Do?



I find myself at a cross road, whether to stay or leave my marriage.

I was a victim of incest from 3 yrs old to 14 yrs old by my grandfather, an uncle, a friend and his son. Because they threatened me with lies and later because I was brought up to believe that you're supposed to rely on God to handle it all, I never said anything and went through the motions of living, including getting married in 1992.

In 2001, I found myself in front of the church elders and my husband. He told them that he committed adultery and didn't want to be married to me anymore because I never wanted to have sex. I was dumbfounded yet found myself feeling guilt and acceptance. They asked if I'd forgive him and without missing a beat, I said yes. A few days later, he didn't come home. He was with his new love. I begged and pleaded and he returned. When I asked him for some time, he said that he'd leave again if I didn't immediately have sex with him. So I did.

In 2011 I had an affair (emotionally it started in 2009) and it ended May 2013. We haven't communicated since.

In March 2013 I saw a withdrawal from our savings account and found out my husband had hired a divorce mediator. In July 2014 he hired a different one. I found myself crying uncontrollably the day we went to pay and get the paperwork. He signed the paperwork but hasn't filed it.

Today I find myself trying to decide on whether to stay or leave. He has never reached out to me to help me or agreed to go to marriage counseling. He did send me to get counseling. I've learned a lot from my therapy sessions. I've come to understand why i am they way I am but I've also learned that I need my partner's willing participation in the healing process.

My husband is a good person so why the resistance to get help? Even before either affair? Perhaps it's easy for you, the reader, to see the answer.

I'm so exhausted. Thank you.


P.S. I'd greatly appreciate to hear from both incest victims and spouses married to incest victims. Every story has two sides. What am I missing?

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I am married, almost three years now, and a survivor of incest for too many years to count and admit.

I struggle often because my husband is not able to support me emotionally at all. He is just incapable. He does love me and I love him but we do have struggles. I have found that no one can make the decisions of our relationship for us, except us, but I have found that I never want to make a decision when I am feeling that emotional 'neglect' that I feel sometimes. I have learned, just for myself, that my best decisions come from being level, rested and able to weigh my options. It is hard because happiness is hard to identify when we come from a lifetime of silent unhappiness. I had to learn to see happiness and healthy choices for myself. then, I had to find my voice to seek that happiness. I still struggle with this.

I hope you can find your answers and happiness whichever way you choose.

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