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If I Could Speak Freely



In my head I wrote this in the style of open mic poetry night sort of thing. But this one will never be spoken by me. I wish I could though, even if I just heard it out loud.

I don't know how to really BE with someone anymore.

Something subtle starts to grip my mind and wipes it clean

it's the quietest scream I've ever felt.

He was supposed to love me...

and he was suposed to care for me...

and he was supposed to know the most about me...

I made it through the first

"You were too young"

"It could have been so much worse"

"The memories are such a blur"

I can still remember his daffy duck impression though

I made it through the second

At least he didn't touch me

shrugging off the memory

I just stare forward in time like I did in that room

I can still feel the heat of panic run down my neck though

I broke on the third

There was something different that time

something unnerving about how I trusted him

It shook me the way I made my voice heard

My confidence soared, I was in control

but I broke that time

It was the quietest snap I ever heard

It took me over a year to process that night

one day it just hit me. The man I was with at that time just said

"I was wondering when you would see it for what it really was".

The woman who was supposed to love me just sighed

she never did end up believing me

The drinking at a peak

I had no will to live

struggling to win against the pessimism that had gripped me

never safe

never loved

never heard

I reached out.

I caved in.

I'm living now, but I feel like I'll never win.

I'm better now, but this is the quietest war there's ever been.


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this is truly something . thank you for your expressiveness and openness. Its the ones who cared about us and hurt us that makes us feel the most broken. We may all be broken but we are not alone . you are not alone.

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