In my head I wrote this in the style of open mic poetry night sort of thing. But this one will never be spoken by me. I wish I could though, even if I just heard it out loud.
I don't know how to really BE with someone anymore.
Something subtle starts to grip my mind and wipes it clean
He was supposed to love me...
and he was suposed to care for me...
and he was supposed to know the most about me...
I made it through the first
"You were too young"
"It could have been so much worse"
"The memories are such a blur"
I can still remember his daffy duck impression though
I made it through the second
At least he didn't touch me
shrugging off the memory
I just stare forward in time like I did in that room
I can still feel the heat of panic run down my neck though
I broke on the third
There was something different that time
something unnerving about how I trusted him
It shook me the way I made my voice heard
My confidence soared, I was in control
but I broke that time
It was the quietest snap I ever heard
It took me over a year to process that night
one day it just hit me. The man I was with at that time just said
"I was wondering when you would see it for what it really was".
The woman who was supposed to love me just sighed
The drinking at a peak
I had no will to live
struggling to win against the pessimism that had gripped me
I reached out.
I caved in.
I'm living now, but I feel like I'll never win.
I'm better now, but this is the quietest war there's ever been.