we talked about how we love each other and how we hurt each other. he has no idea how i really feel about what is going on and i cant tell him. i do tell him but i guess i cant get it through to him there is a problem. no one seems to see what is going on inside of me. i wonder if it is all real or not. i struggle with the thoughts and the feelings each and every hour of the day and i fight sleep while i yearn for it. is it depression or fear? maybe neither or both. i wake up looking forward to so much and wishing it would all end. i want to be loved but dont want anyone close to me. i am struggling with reality and thoughts colliding in my head. hubby says my addictions wont run him away and i say i wont run from his. at least, not physically. i wish i could just go away for a while and find some rest and peace. im incapable of love, patience and understanding in the reality of it all. i see so much pain and stress and heartache every day and i just need to see the sunshine and feel a smile coming from inside somewhere instead of faking how things are going. instead, im going to go about my routine until the train finally runs over me.