I Cant Care About My Life
Entry posted by CaseyLeona ·
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Fifth time I have tried to type this up!
I have worked myself up in to a panic because I'm scared I am ultimately going to fail at life now because I really just cant care about much of anything. Its been a year since the last incident and I feel a lot more stable but that's about it. I have been playing down how I feel about everything, seeing as my family want to ignore the whole incident and my friends would rather focus on anger and pretty revenge then dare worry about the fall out. For awhile that's been fine, I got by but recently its becoming too much. I am miserable at work, which is fairly normal as its a café, but now going home isn't a relief. I'm constantly worrying that I'm not achieving anything and that the part time university course will get me nowhere. I feel like I'm stuck going nowhere, bouncing between my nowhere job and my nowhere course, pretending that I will have a future. Once I'm done panicking and have calmed myself down, I don't care. I look at all the ideas I had before, all the things that I ever wanted to be and it all just seems ridiculous, like I was stupid for ever believing I could do any of that and there is no point trying for anything. I seem to have three settings panic, misery or nothing at all.
It really hit home over the weekend when I went to a Halloween festival with my friends. I have gone to it for years and I have always loved it but this time nothing. I felt like I should be happy to be there, I kept sort of nudging myself like, look where we are this is fun! But I felt nothing. Before I have always been so excited but this time I may as well have been home in bed. Its not the place either, this year it was bigger and better then ever before. It was just me.
That's really all I have now. Either I feel nothing or I feel miserable. I'm at work feeling stressed and looking forward to leaving or I'm at home feeling like a useless, pointless human being. I just cant seem to win. Getting up the energy to do anything takes a lot of effort, if it weren't for my dog and my job I really wouldn't leave the house much at all. Now realising I seem to have even lost just plain old happiness, not the reasons to be happy but the emotion itself, I don't know what to do. Even meeting with my friends, I don't feel depressed which is good, but I'm not happy either.
After all that worrying my brain just kicks in to down right panic when it thinks of the future ahead. I'm 21, I will be expected to move out soon and get a full time job, pretend I'm a happy, sane, capable human being. I was happy enough before it happened, more importantly I had actual plans for my future. The things I was really interested in before, looking after animals, psychology, its just feels disconnected from me now. All this juggling of panic, depression and resignation just feels like its building up to a tipping point and I don't know what to do.
And that's my first blog post I guess. This is where I am a whole year on from the last incident. basically; still completely lost.
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