In the last year or so I've gained quite a bit of weight. I now have stretch marks all over because of how quickly I gained it. I didn't try to gain it it just kind of happened because I went off my medication for a while because I kept not getting to the doctor. I was afraid of the fact that I didn't have insurance. I used to look in the mirror and love myself but now I look in the mirror and I see something completely unattractive. I didn't wear shorter shorts this summer, I didn't wear my favorite sun dresses, I couldn't afford to buy all the cute new clothes I would have loved to be able to wear.
I am beautiful, but I don't feel that I can be sexual. My weight feels like too much of a burden. But even with all that insecurity I feel wonderful. I don't feel as scared anymore. I'm aware that victims come in all shapes and sizes, but I just feel less like an option for predators and I have less propositions in general. It makes me feel safer.
I want to be healthy, but I'm afraid to lose weight. I'm afraid of adding some other guy to the list of people that wouldn't listen when I said "No" or set a boundary.