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I Just Can't Anymore...


survivor122509

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I'm going through one of those moments where I can't breathe. My boyfriend touched me when I was against the wall and I broke down, crying, begging on my knees for him to stop. He touched my side. That was it. I don't know what to do. My nightmares are back. I haven't had one of my night terrors yet, but I am just as affected. I want to crawl into a hole and die. I continue to remember the phrase: One wrist for attention, two for results. No matter how much I tell anyone that I am a survivor, I still feel like a victim. I haven't survived anything. I am still in hell and only after it has completely passed will I be a survivor. I don't want people to look at me. I feel like everyone can see right through me and I don't like how that feels. Despite my embarrassing reaction to him, I just want my boyfriend. I want him to hold me and never let me go. I hate being away from him because he protects me and would never let anyone hurt me.

I really don't want to be here anymore. I say I want to go home, but even when I am home, I say it. I am wishing to be in a place that doesn't even exist. A place that I can be happy. A place where no one can hurt me. I'm just a poor, broken child.

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Hello Survivor,

I am sorry to hear that you are going through an especially hard time right now. Keep breathing! Paying attention to your breath can really help with bouts of anxiety. Sometimes our growth periods are very much like giving birth! You are safe here, and it sounds like you are safe with your boyfriend. You are lucky to have a caring man in your life. Perhaps this positive relationship has provided the stage for you to heal on a deeper level.

Sometimes, certain safe circumstances allow us to let our guard down a bit. When that happens the old memories come back because it is time to release them. If you allow this to be a time to go into a deeper healing state for yourself, it can be a marvelous release of old emotions that you have been holding you back!

Have you had a chance to speak with your therapist about this yet? Its important for you to have as much support as possible at this time.

Dasi :-)

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