I'm going through one of those moments where I can't breathe. My boyfriend touched me when I was against the wall and I broke down, crying, begging on my knees for him to stop. He touched my side. That was it. I don't know what to do. My nightmares are back. I haven't had one of my night terrors yet, but I am just as affected. I want to crawl into a hole and die. I continue to remember the phrase: One wrist for attention, two for results. No matter how much I tell anyone that I am a survivor, I still feel like a victim. I haven't survived anything. I am still in hell and only after it has completely passed will I be a survivor. I don't want people to look at me. I feel like everyone can see right through me and I don't like how that feels. Despite my embarrassing reaction to him, I just want my boyfriend. I want him to hold me and never let me go. I hate being away from him because he protects me and would never let anyone hurt me.
I really don't want to be here anymore. I say I want to go home, but even when I am home, I say it. I am wishing to be in a place that doesn't even exist. A place that I can be happy. A place where no one can hurt me. I'm just a poor, broken child.