To start I should explain what made me want to open up and write this blog. I am in college, business major and decided to take a class called Family Stress and Coping. As you can imagine it is very different from my business classes. My therapist agreed it could be beneficial and it felt right to take a class that might actually help in my private life. It started off okay, but now the teacher wants us to right a case study about our family. The professor went through the whole class allowing everyone to tell a stressor in their life, most were about their families, it was extremely triggering. The other students were excited to share their traumas, they opened up easily. Their problems seemed so normal and I wished they were mine. I went home crying my eyes out feeling that my experiences will always be worse than everyone else's and will always keep me isolated.
So now I want to open up and explain my experience and get some feedback I guess, yeah this is pretty triggering but with my therapist encouragement I feel ready.
I was four years old when it started. My father would come into my room every night and rape me. He took advantage of the fact that he could control every aspect of my life. At the time my mother had a full time job and my father did not have a job, so she was always gone giving him open access. He had opportunity and means to rape and torment me every chance he got. He totally and completely over powered me. This went on for about 5-6 years not quiet sure on the time line. In most of my memories though I am fighting back, running and screaming, I am always fighting, that makes me proud.
Thats the first part of my trauma. The second is that my father was not only a rapist but also a drug addict, and as I said he did not have a job so he needed a way to pay for his drugs. So he used the only thing at his dispel, me. At night when my mom would go to sleep he would take me from my room and use me to feed his drug habit. I think its called commercial trafficking or something like that. I look it as group raping. There was many men that abused me and this is all before I reached the 4th grade.
My mother had no idea what was happening though I think she was in denial. The bruising on my body and the way I acted as a child pointed to something going on. It all ended when my father exposed himself to my older cousin one night when we were having a sleep over and she told on him. I will always love her for that. She was strong enough to tell on that monster. My mother divorced him and we moved out of our house. This was the summer before I was in the 5th grade. My family questioned me and even sent me to a therapist but as scared as I was I did not say anything. I always hid it, I was afraid he would come back for me and kill me, like he always threatened.
I've been for lack of a better word, broken ever since. I have been through it all eating disorder, depression, anxiety, drinking, and suicidal attempts. Anything to lessen the pain of my past.
I still get flashback, nightmares, and have a lot of triggers. They get in the way of my everyday life. For example, riding in the passenger or the back of a car triggers me. The feeling that I have no idea where I am going scares me and reminds me of the car ride to whatever house my dad would take me to at night. Another is touch or someone being close to me. The most hurtful, I think, is not being able to go into a house I have never been in before. I can push through it and walk in but I feel extremely uncomfortable. It affects me, I can't focus on conversations, I worry I am in their private area that I shouldn't be there that I am not safe.
I have successfully hidden my true myself from my friends and family for years, but this year has been different. After another suicidal attempt, I told my friends everything, though I am still trying to be more open about my feelings with them. I also told my mom, though she doesn't know much, just the bare minimum, I opened up more in this blog then what my mother knows.
I am actually currently writing all my memories in a book and hopefully one day I want to show my friends and family. I think it will feel good them knowing everything. It will give them a chance to know me better because though my past is bad it is still part of me.
Well, this is my story. I am starting to look at my past as being IN THE PAST. I don't want it to define me anymore. I want to be able to have someone touch or be close to me and not freak out. I want to be able to open up to my friends and tell them my feelings even if its something simple. I want to date and have successful relationships. I want to not have my depression, even with medication, to be so over powering I can't get out of bed. I want my past to feel normal, to feel like nothing. I don't want my father and all my other abusers to win.