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Hope, Who Is God To Me?


survivor122509

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This entry is going to explain why I chose Eternal Misery to be the name of my blog. There are actually a few reasons why. The first big reason: I don't believe in hope. I know that's probably a big problem with some people, but hope has never gotten me anywhere in life. I believe that hope breeds eternal misery. Every time I have hoped or prayed, nothing ever happened. What really took the cake was laying there, being raped and hoping that it was a dream. Hoping that my brothers would walk in and save me. Hoping that they would believe me when I told them. It wasn't a dream. My brothers did NOT come and save me, nor did they believe me when they found out. At that moment, I didn't believe in God. I didn't believe that there was any chance that he existed because if he did, he would've helped me. I can't think of one thing in my life that this God has done for me. I mention in another entry that I stayed with my grandfather who taught me enough to get me back on my feet. Don't misunderstand, he tried teaching me about God and telling me how wonderful he is, but I was already torn away from that. Being with my grandfather made me feel safe. If there was a God, he was definitely watching over my grandfather and nothing would happen to me while I was in his hands. He would die before letting anything happen to me. My soulmate is a Jehovah's Witness and wants me to be a part of the religion with him, but I pretty much refuse. I told him that I would go to his services and all that for respect, but I will never fully believe that there is someone up there who helps anyone. I apologize if I offend anyone, but I can't believe in something or someone who has always let me down when I put my life in his hands. When my boyfriend and I talk about his religion, I find every hole I can in the religion, which he loves and hates. He loves that I am somewhat interested, but at the same time, he hates that I refuse to believe. Tell me, how can a God obsessed person fall in love with someone who is the exact opposite?

The next reason for the name: Eternal Misery, is because this is something that is going to stay with me forever. I have NIGHT TERRORS. This man STOLE my life from me before it even begun and I won't ever get that back. I am never going to be able to forget what happened to me, and quite frankly, I don't think I want to. There were MANY bad things that came from being raped, but also, there are some good. I was a horrible person before it happened. I have changed drastically since then. I have been speaking and making people aware that this does happen and I want to make more people aware. I have made friends with people who have been raped, and I have helped them get better while getting better myself. I have been trying my hardest to make people aware. This stuff does happen and people need to know about it. Going back to the first point, some might say that God opened my eyes through this, that was his plan all along. But I don't believe it, no matter what. I wasn't doing anything bad enough to deserve rape. So, no, that's not his plan and I am not going to live by that.

Lastly, how do I know if this God answers? Like I said, he has never answered me before, so why should I believe in him. I am still waiting on someone to convince me that he exists. My boyfriend still hasn't been able to convince me and he is the one person left in this world that I trust. If anyone wants to try and tell me how God answers, by all means, try. But I don't see anyone actually convincing me. As I said before, God doesn't answer me. God never helped me. To me, God is just a ray of hope. I will look at the sky and know that there is a higher power. But I doubt that I will ever submit to it and let it wash over me. I apologize for my thoughts, but I just needed to get that out there and explain the name of my blog in detail. Thanks for taking time to read this.

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